Three Reasons Why We Need A Better Emotional Vocabulary

The flights were booked.The car rented.We had anticipated this trip for years and I wanted to be prepared.  

Though I had studied Italian in college, I knew my skills were rusty at best, so I purchased an online study course so that I could maximize my experience.

As time passed and I moved from level one to level two, then to level three, I grew confident in my language abilities, but as soon as our flight landed, something strange happened.Maybe it was because they spoke ten times faster than the lady online, maybe it was because they weren’t telling me about the apple on the table, I don’t know.

What I do know is that once I arrived, my Italian vocabulary shrank to about three words —bathroom, restaurant, hotel.

Even though those three words were important, they did little to help me navigate the complexities of a foreign country, much less to communicate what I needed to anyone around me who was in a position to help.

A heart is a vast continent of unexplored and undiscovered imaginations, hopes, and passions.Words are the heart’s compass.

Many of us grow up believing our three-word emotional vocabulary (sad, mad, glad) is all we need to successfully navigate our lives and our relationships.We resist the muddy terrain of human emotion and yet we wonder why our relationships resemble a barren wasteland of confusion, loneliness, and heartache, a shallow wading pool for desperate souls, looking, longing, hoping for something more.

There are three reasons we need a better emotional vocabulary to navigate our relationships well and build a foundation of strength, stability, and peace.

To Know Our Own Souls

How can we make contact with another human soul if we have never discovered the depth of our own?Our feelings give us access into the deepest places of knowledge, acceptance, and wisdom within us.

Emotions force us to face the questions in our hearts about God, about ourselves, about our identity, our likes and dislikes, opinions, beliefs, hopes, and dreams.They lay us bare as we struggle to come to terms with and unearth the answers that will provide strength and direction for every twist and turn, every winding road on our journey.

Psalm 77:6(NIV) states,I remember my songs in the night.My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

Psalm 119:59(NIV) also encourages, Ihave considered my ways and have turned my steps to Your statutes.

All that we long to find in another person, we must first find in ourselves and in our relationship to our Abba, Father —acceptance, safety, belonging…love.

If we don’t know ourselves, really know ourselves, we have little of ourselves to give to anyone else.The deeper, richer, fuller our emotional vocabulary, the clearer we can lean in and hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit leading and directing us, the deeper the well of beauty and grace we have to pour into and over our loved ones.

To Find Our Partner’s Emotional Location

Couples desire connection, they long to be heard, considered, and understood, yet many are reluctant to share their emotions with each other.Somehow they believe their partner should already know where they are emotionally, they should instinctively feel what they are feeling.

For a long time in my marriage, I think there was a part of me that wanted to be found.Like the starlet in the old Hollywood movies, I had these romantic notions of wanting to be pursued, and held, and known by my leading man just for being me.I wanted this all without ever having to say a word, or awkwardly explaining the whys and wherefores of my complicated and often unpredictable heart.

Unfortunately, real relationships don’t work quite like my youthful fantasies.

Feeling words provide the most direct and accurate information about our emotional location.The broader our vocabularies, the more precise our words, the better the odds that our spouses can lean in, hear, connect with, and understand us, therefore the more help and compassion they can offer us on our journeys.If they don’t know where we are emotionally, they will be helpless to find us, nor will they be able to bring us insight, comfort, or encouragement for the steps ahead.

If you are not sure where to start, my book, Peace For A Lifetime, includes a great feelings chart that will help you begin to feel, name, and speak your feelings to those in your life.***Plus, this week only, those you subscribe to the blog will get a free feelings chart PDF!!!

To Fall In Love Over and Over Again

I’ve heard people say they think they know everything they need to know about their partner. Yet somewhere along the way of life when they stopped asking questions, stopped staring at the stars, stopped sharing the music in their hearts, there comes a day when they wake up to wonder how they fell out of love, how they lost sight of each other, became strangers sharing a home while feeling worlds apart.

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it, your relationship goes cold. _William Paisley

When my emotional vocabulary is rich, when I can let my husband know what I am feeling —disquieted, unsettled, concerned, overwhelmed, lonely, hopeless, frustrated, angry, afraid, betrayed, resentful, joyful, grateful, excited, satisfied, —there is more for him to know, to discover, to grow with, to respect, more reasons to fall in love, over and over again.

We were designed for feeling. We were designed for connection.There is a whole world of people and relationships out there waiting to be explored.Is our emotional vocabulary what we need in order to know ourselves more deeply, to communicate our emotional location more clearly, and to discover deeper love than we ever thought possible?

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

  Exams have passed.Graduations have been celebrated.Summer’s coming hard upon us.

Our kids have been feeling it, really feeling it — the stress that has them wound up tight, stress that makes them doubt themselves, stress that overwhelms every bit of courage to dig deep, reach in, and press on into their lives and their dreams.

Sometimes a momma’s heart, hating to see the worry etched across their baby’s forehead, feels compelled to remove, or soothe, or just make the big, bad wolves go away so that everything will be okay for their little one.

We know better, but sometimes a momma’s heart just can’t help herself.

Parents longing to protect their kids sometimes suffocate the experiences that grow rooted souls and resilient minds.We forget that we are not changing the world to coddle our kids, we are growing gladiator kids to change the world.

What I know is that every night sitting around the kitchen table doing homework, every Saturday morning when chores are needing to be done, early on Sunday morning when the alarm goes off for church, we have a choice— a choice to let the pressures of parenting weigh us down, or a choice to write our own parenting proclamation designed to free and not constrain us, purposed for empowering and not extinguishing the fire that’s in the hearts of our kids.

Here are four ways parents can reclaim their homes and reinvigorate their kids, in order to embrace a new way of parenting with a lot less burden and a lot more joy.

1. We can give our families the grace of just being.

We’ve got too much ‘doing’as it is.Our kids are starved in being, in becoming.In sitting quietly exploring a favorite book, a puzzle, or finding beauty in simply doing nothing at all, their minds can listen inward to discover their soul-worth in Christ so they can recharge their wisdom and creativity outside the noise and distraction of a phone or video game.

Busy is not always better. Children don’t need an entertainment coordinator nearly as much as they need us to model for them lives of space, of proportion, and meaning. We can make our homes a refuge of prayer, a haven of hope, and they will grow within them an anchor to steady their anxious hearts, they will know the grace of being fully present in each moment, without worrying about the next.

Luke 12:27-31(NIV) tells us, Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

We can cultivate the gift of calm.

Perhaps we weren’t meant to control it all or fix it all for our children (or ourselves, for that matter.)We can give ourselves the tender gift of calm.Like the exhale of a warm, summer rain, we too, can learn to exhale, to release the stresses and worries of the day that invade our inner sanctum, and quietly, graciously surrender them to the Father.We can observe the rhythms of our heart and mind.We can choose gratitude.Always.

Gratitude changes the reflection in the mirror—how we see His hand, His heart, His love writing itself into our despair, our brokenness.Gratitude removes the shadows of criticism and self-condemnation, allowing us to settle into a new flow of freedom, of peace, of joy pouring in and pouring out, seeping into every corner and every crevice of our homes.A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances.

[click_to_tweet tweet="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances." quote="A calm, grateful heart in parents points young hearts towards their Creator instead of their circumstances."]

If you haven’t read my book, Peace For A Lifetime,it is written with parents in mind and equips them with strategies that are powerful for cultivating Emotional Abundance into children’s hearts and lives.

It is only with gratitude that life becomes rich!  _Dietrich Bonhoeffer

We can learn to let go of ‘perfect.’

Our kids don’t need a ‘perfect’parent, they simply need us.Just as we are.It is simply not our job to beeverything, or doeverything for our children.It isn’t.Parents who race around removing every sadness, every imperfection, every disappointment from their children’s lives don’t build strong spirits, don’t build in them the guts or the grit to overcome the injustices that are sure to meet them along their paths.

We waste so much time trying to protect our kids from this vast world instead of preparing them for it.

We unconsciously use our children to undo, heal, correct, or rewrite everything that was wrong in our childhoods.Could we free them from our need to make things ‘perfect?’ Could we give them instead experiences of creativity and kindness, wonder and wisdom, instilling in them hearts bulging with compassion and confidence?

We can be compassion warriors.

Much of the time parents recognize how easy it is to be a shame speaker.Don’t worry.Don’t feel that way.Don’t do this.Don’t do that. We say these things as much to ourselves as we do our kids, or anyone else for that matter.We are irreverent and unkind with our own meager humanity, especially when it is exhausted and empty.

How much harder is it for us to breathe compassion over our children when we find it impossible to give it to ourselves?

We can make it our mission to become compassion warriors  —to welcome in all of the parts and pieces of our brokenness, to allow ourselves the gift of feeling, of speaking life instead of death, love instead of hate. 

The words we speak to ourselves are the words being imprinted on our children’s hearts.How kind are they?

So as summer kicks off, let’s do things a little different.Let’s go against the grain.Let’s reclaim our homes and our peace in a way that will not only give each of us a lot less stress and a lot more joy, but will also build up our children’s stress-resilience and allow them to grow solid, strong souls. Ready for life.Ready for battle.Ready for Christ’s calling.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

What To Do When You Are Waiting For Your Life To Bloom

I waited every spring for the peonies to bloom.

Tracing the edge of an earlier autumn sun, I remember so carefully digging a home for them in the soil.

I waited, anticipating their gracious blooms.My heart was desperate for their beauty.Sometimes we need beauty to remind us that our journey has a purpose, that weeds won’t ultimately betray our pain, and that life will spring forth from the dust.

Each year I tended the soil, removed any weeds from their surroundings.I watched the greenish-red shoots as they shot up from the ground.And yes, the plants grew big, though year after year they yielded no blooms.

It’s as if the night brought no morning, and these heavy labor pains bore no grace, no fulfillment for this awful stirring in my soul.

Something inside me wanted to uproot these delicate, brave stems, to find the soil of validation and comfort for my meager plants to grow.I saw other bushes in the garden swell with blossoms and desired my fragile gifts to unfurl brightly and boldly.

The purposes that God plants in our heart sometimes feel barren and fruitless.It can feel painful to hold onto unseen and often unrealized dreams, to miss the watering of tender soul-roots or the birth of their expected harvest.

I am learning, sometimes slowly, sometimes with an ache in my step and a strain on my brow, to surrender my expectation for the harvest, to reclaim my steps beside the Master.Yielding to His ways, His timing, His process for this cynical and stubborn heart of mine, forces me to remember this sacred pilgrimage is not even in the tiniest way about me.

Just as I can never force or cajole tender blossoms from my peonies, I can never coerce or demand my own vision or destiny for my life.

God knew finding my destiny would pale in comparison to finding His presence.Exercising His joy in each and every moment.Pursuing holy.

Henri Nouwen describes, Joy and laughter are the gifts of living in the presence of God and trusting that tomorrow is not worth worrying about.

He knew I’d have the tendency to rush the miraculous, to manage this internal metamorphosis that is transforming me into His image.Perhaps that is why He so loving spoke to me,

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? (Matt 6:25-30, NIV)

He understood the most beautiful of nature’s gifts could not satisfy the eternal cravings in my heart.He gave me the one thing He knew would fill me, heal me, mold me, and complete me.He gave me Himself.Utterly and completely.Arms spread open wide.

Practicing His presence, I’m discovering He is enough.Period.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that the subtle surrender of our ways, our wants, our hopes and dreams, frees us to settle in and enjoy the surroundings.

And on that lovely, bright, spring morning when I stepped into my garden, I discovered the most brilliant, beautiful peonies had appeared right before my eyes.

When I least expected it.Right on time.

I wait every year for the peonies to bloom.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why Embracing Our Brokenness Is Necessary For Us To Be Whole

  We equate wholeness with perfection, with having it all together, with success. Yet the meaning of wholeness is perhaps just the opposite.

Wholeness, at its very core, implies rather than an absence of brokenness, the innate existence of a fractured, fragile, astoundingly imperfect self. Wholeness, is about embracing our brokenness as an integral part of life.

For most of my life, I longed to be whole. I was hungry for it. Desperate. I became vigilant, some might say obsessed with achieving, attaining. My focus was on becoming as perfect as I could be, on removing any faults or defects. For me, the finish line of success was where I would become whole.

As I walked through the “season of my undoing” and stumbled upon the door of my healing, I discovered that I could lay down this mountain of pain I had been carrying, that I didn’t have to become perfect, that I could accept, even embrace my brokenness.

Embracing my brokenness allows me breathe.

It is exhausting to carry the weight of shame and fear on my shoulders. Impossible to bear up under such an insurmountable and unforgiving oppressor – me.

My Abba Father whispered to my soul, Child, Why do you carry such a weight when my Son already carried it for you?

He hung on the cross for every broken place, every shame, every sorrow. Our past was redeemed. Our present is His gift to us, free and clear. And our future is secure. Why do we insist on placing the weight of our shame back on our shoulders?

I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost likesetting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him. _C.S. Lewis

Wholeness allows me to see myself as God sees me, through the eyes of love, of grace, of compassion as big as the universe. Through His tender, aching eyes I can see more clearly who I am. I am His beloved.

Embracing my brokenness allows me to have greater communion with others.

Comparison is the thief of intimacy. External validation is but heroin to a broken, striving soul. And thus we can never truly be with others as long as we are so terribly needy of them for our fulfillment.

We all come to the table of community broken. We are all like Peter himself, stumbling along our journeys with Jesus, bringing our mess-ups and our failings, our weakest sensibilities to our brothers and sisters in Christ. To be encouraged, strengthened, comforted, and built up together. Yes, together.

Settling into a newfound rhythm of release—from needing what others cannot give, and embracing an identity that no one can steal away—we are at once home with our brothers and sisters. Accepting their humanity allows us to embrace our own.

As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down you cannot see something that is above you. _C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Embracing my brokenness creates greater intimacy with God.

Nothing stands between us. No longer needing pretense to validate my existence, I can allow myself to come right up to His outstretched arms and dive in. I am utterly and divinely safe. I have no need to hide. No need to fear. He is here. He is with me. Embracing my brokenness tears down the wall and creates full, unfettered intimacy and vulnerability with the Creator of my soul.

Isaiah 53:5 (NIV) tells us, But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

How can it be? When we're naked and ashamed and alone in our brokenness, Christ envelops us with His intimate grace. When we're rejected and abandoned and feel beyond wanting, Jesus cups our face: "Come close, my Beloved." When we're dirty and tear-stained and despairing, Jesus Christ is attracted to us and proposes undying love: "All that you're carrying I take... and all that I am is yours." How do you ever get over that? _Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way

Embracing my brokenness allows my authentic self to grow.

I am learning to see all the parts and pieces of me as one singular, beautiful mosaic. As I learn to hold the myriad of shapes and shards in my hands, I can finally see them through the eyes of compassion, as He sees them. This is the sacred place where God moves me from being healed to being whole.

God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever. _Vance Havner

Brokenness keeps me planted in the good soil of redemption.

Brokenness keeps me drenched in the love I cannot live without.

Brokenness is the one thing that keeps me reaching for, clinging to the Truth that molds me, and transforms me into who I am not yet, but who I am becoming.

Brokenness does not make me weak.  It  is perhaps the strongest part of who I am.

Because in my most broken, wounded, fragile places, I know He is strong.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

A conversation for every parent and child who feels the struggle of being ‘raised up:’

I know it's hard.

You’ve come up in this wild, unwieldy age of technology. So many things coming at you at once and it all feels so necessary, so now.

I know it seems that life has always been this way but it hasn’t. There was a time when homework was done with a pencil and paper, and you had to memorize your multiplication tables because there wasn’t a calculator there at your fingertips.

I remember how a boy asked a girl if she liked him on a handwritten note with one check box for yes and one for no. There were no texts, no un-friending, no ghosting. Just a bashful smile, some awkward conversation, and giggling with your friends about how cute he was.

Somehow it seemed so much simpler then.

I feel so sad that relationships have been reduced to a machine and some pictures, that make or break your hearts depending on the mood of the day and who is popular or not.

I know technology was supposed to help me stay connected to you, yet how distant I feel from you. How many times I have longed to talk with you —really talk, and share stories, share hopes and dreams, but most importantly, share the faith that’s been the foundation of this life we’ve been building.

We’ve assumed you shared our faith. Assumed you felt it to the core just like we do. You see, nothing we have is ours, none of the blessings are anything other than lovely treasures from God. Like you.

Passing Down Our Legacy of Faith

Pretty Bible verses hang on our walls and we say a blessing before every meal, but looking back I think we relied too much on Sunday School and Wednesday night youth groups to grow you up spiritually. And that was our job.

I wish I had taken more time to shut off the tv and the phone, wish we’d sat down —just you and me— to study the Bible with you, pray with you, teach you what we believe and why we believe it. To teach you that God loves you and sent His Son to die on the cross for you. Teach you what being a Christ-follower means —really means. To show you what taking up your cross and following Him looks like.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (NIV) states, And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

‘Cause there is so much pressure on you to be like everyone else and do like everyone else. And when they tell you it’s okay as long as you’re in love, I want you to know the truth. I want it buried in the deepest part of your heart so on that day, you rise up like that strong one I know you are and say, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

I want you to know and understand that though the world will tell you, child, that you can decide what is right and wrong, and that you can pick and choose your beliefs like the pies and cakes at a potluck dinner, I want you to know you can’t.

That’s what being a Christ-follower is all about. It’s about us laying our hopes, our dreams, our values and beliefs, our identity and purpose for all that is and is to come, right down at His feet and trusting Him for all of it.

Though it’s hard and uncomfortable, and there’s too much busyness that gets in the way, I want to have these conversations with you. I need to have these conversations with you.

Raised Up To Be Ready

There will come a day when you will leave my house and will have to forge your faith in a harsh and callous world. I want you to be ready.

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)  encourages parents to, Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Just like our Father wants each of us to be ready.

There He is waiting to talk with us, to pour Himself into us so that we are soaked in His love, His truth. And usually I’m right there scrolling through Facebook.

I get it. He wants me to rise up and be that strong woman, to say to the naysayers and the thrill-peddlers, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

We’re all being raised up. Called to be set-apart. Molded into His image. So we can breathe a little hope into a hopeless world. Shine a little light into the pits of night. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to broken souls who are desperate to feel grace instead of contempt, and compassion instead of this world’s harsh condemnation.

2 Corinthians 3:18 (MSG) shares His beautiful hope for His children, Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

We got such a work to do. You and me.

I know it’s hard, but in this age of technology and disconnect, pressure and busyness…

…it is time for each of us to rise.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

My Prayer For New Things and New Dreams In 2018

Revelation 21:5 (ESV)And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Sometimes it is the hardest thing to stay as clay, soft and supple. Sometimes the cold is so bitter the safest thing to do is to bury wounds deep enough we never have to risk them seeing the light of day, of being exposed.

But buried wounds only grow more brittle and cracked with time. Buried wounds never feel the warmth of tender hands leaning in to lovingly caress weary soul-sores.  Nor do they feel the fire of life as blood flows in and covers the most broken and raw aches that have left us limping for so long.

Yes, in many ways we’ve grown accustomed to our limp. We barely recognize the unconscious compensation, the halting steps, the fatigue. The wound is ours and along our path it has somehow become our identity.

So when the Spirit sweeps into our heart and whispers, behold I am making all things new, we feel certain He doesn’t mean that.

Surely there are other areas for Him to mature or meddle, whichever end of the emotional scope we perceive He is peering.

Dear one, you can be sure He means that.

Don’t run away. This time, this year, be kinder, more intentional with yourself. Don’t busy yourself with other’s growth, other’s healing so that you distract yourself from your own.

Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow.

[clickToTweet tweet="Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow." quote="Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow."]

Ann Voskamp describes, New life happens in you when you aren’t afraid of the deaths that happen before resurrections.

Don’t allow the enemy to steal your next resurrection. Don’t allow him to keep you wandering in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19 (NIV) encourages us, See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

So as you enter this year, risk a little more. It takes courage to go with God into our soul spaces and allow Him to reveal areas He wants to heal in you.

Where is He leading you this year?

What are the areas of your life He wants to bring healing, to breathe life?

What is the old He is calling you to make new in 2018?

It may get a little messy. That’s okay.  The deepest meaning is cultivated from the messes He has made beautiful.

More than anything, keep your eyes on the prize. Can you not perceive it?, the verse asks. Don’t let the enemy lull you into a dim vision of your future, your destiny. Hold onto the freedom God has for you.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) reinforces God’s truth when He says, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am excited to walk with you to encourage you along your healing path, to comfort you in your sorrows, and to cheer you in your successes. I am excited to see how God takes a little healing from each of our lives and uses that to bring healing in the lives of those around us.

Full circle.  Yes, full circle.

If you have a specific prayer, a goal, a place that God wants to breathe into this year, please email me, message me, PM me. It will always be confidential, but I would love to pray with you specifically this year!

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Find Thanksgiving In The Middle Of Your Pain

It was a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about.

The morning my mother went into the hospital for a heart cath procedure, everything was fairly typical. We prayed on my way to work. I spoke with my dad shortly afterwards. Nothing atypical. Nothing unusual.

She had come through fine and was in recovery. Dad was upbeat and calm. She would be released a little later, he offered.

So after my next session, when I checked my phone, I noticed a text from my husband. It said simply, Call me.

Stepping outside, I called him to find out that just a few minutes after my phone call with Dad, something had gone wrong. Dad had called Mark in a full panic, sobbing with worry for Mom.

Mark was out the door instantly, talking with Dad and calming him down as he drove to the hospital. He called the pastor, my aunt and my brother. Informed them of the circumstances.

Mom had started passing out. Several times. The final time the nurses immediately rushed her to the CCU and tried to get her stabilized.

I felt helpless. Though I couldn’t get to her, my heart and my mind reeled. My schedule was completely full and there was no way to cancel my clients. I simply prayed.

Over the next several hours her condition improved and she was able to go home the next day. What a blessing. A sacred exhale.

It doesn’t always work that way, though. Life doesn’t always give us the desired ending. The miracle. The answered prayer. It doesn’t.

So how can we hold onto hope, how can we muster any shred of gratitude or thanksgiving when our world has been torn apart, when the unthinkable happens?

Whether you have lost a loved one to cancer or divorce, whether you are sinking beneath the weight of depression, loneliness, or heartache, here are two ways to find thanksgiving in the middle of your pain.

Rest In His Faithfulness

The Lord knows where you are. He knows what you have endured. He sees your pain and weeps with you over your sorrow.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV) tells us, The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV) shares, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) also encourages, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He doesn’t want you to hide your pain. Nor does He want you to pretend your brokenness away.

He wants you to be honest, acknowledge your deepest wounds, and reach out for help in your season of grief. Don’t walk this season alone.

We are all in the journey together. We need each other. We need to walk with and comfort each other right where we are. We are the hands and feet of Christ to the hurting. We are wounded healers, if we choose to be.

Acknowledge the Small Things

Find ways, small ways, to be thankful. Even in your grief, look around to notice goodness around you. As needful as it is to acknowledge your pain, it is as needful to acknowledge God’s goodness.

Our healing is stalled when we focus solely on our loss, our sorrow. Find something, anything, for which you can offer thanks. It will move you forward through your pain and slowly give you hope for a new day. A new season. Healing.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV) tells us to, Rejoice always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Even in hard times, we can trust the character of God. Even when the circumstances make no sense. We give thanks that God is good. He is not evil. He is not arbitrary. God has a reason for everything He does, whether we can understand it in the moment, or not.

Henri Nouwen beautifully describes,

Perhaps nothing helps us make the movement from our little selves to a larger world than remembering God in gratitude.

Such a perspective puts God in view in all of life, not just in the moment we set aside for worship or spiritual disciplines.

Not just in the moment when life seems easy.

It can challenge every ounce of our being, yet walking through this season with a balance of honesty, authenticityandgratitude will yield a heart healed, a quiet mind, and the beauty of hope for the seasons to come.

Blessings to you and your family this Thanksgiving! With love from my heart to yours.

Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God. _Henri Nouwen

Sometimes it can be hard to find anything to be thankful for when we are in pain. The holidays can be the most difficult time of year for many adults, men, women, and children. Here are a few ways to find Thanksgiving in the middle of the pain.

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Blog

Sep 17, 2019

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Stop Running and Start Fighting Back Against Fear - Book Review

Sometimes the only one way to deal with fear – is to fight it. We’ve got to stop hiding in the corner, stop shaking in our shoes. In the face of such an opponent, our only response is to put on our big girl boots and kick fear all the way to the curb.

Fear can take over our lives if we let it. I know it used to take over my life at times. Fear consumed so much of my mental, physical, even my spiritual energy. I felt helpless to overcome the waves of sheer terror that pounded on my heart and mind.

I shared a few months back about my journey with fear and how it had resurfaced recently after more than twenty years. When I had the first panic attack, I said, Aw, just a anomaly. Nothing to worry about. When I had the second I got a bit concerned, and after the third, I began to get serious.

I needed every tool I could find, every ounce of strength I could muster. I needed emotional strength. I needed physical strength. And I needed spiritual strength.

You see, God wants us to use ALL of our resources to fight the battle against the enemy. He doesn’t want us fighting with one hand tied behind our back, tripping over ourselves in our despair and fatigue.

Here are four practical ways you can fight fear spiritually and win the battle once and for all.

Don’t Pretend

Many of us like to color a pig and call it pretty. But it’s not. Never will be. We can’t pretend that fear isn’t real. We can’t run and hide.

Our first step towards healing is to acknowledge that our fear is real so we can begin to face it head-on instead of burying our heads in the sand. Like they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt.

One article in Psychology Today suggests,

A lifestyle of "not-knowing" requires that we subscribe to the old adage that what we don't know won't hurt us.  But the evidence of life shows that this just isn't true.  As a way of life, hear no evil-see no evil-speak no evil is a recipe for disaster.  Denial may offer the appeal of short-term bliss, but it prevents us from taking responsibility for things that really do matter, things we could do something about. 

Give Your Fears A Name

When I’m able to identify my fear, that’s half of the battle.

Are you afraid of —death, dying, heights, or diseases? What about fear of loss, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, intimacy? Is you fear more about shame, criticism, failing, being humiliated or simply being enough? Are you afraid of losing your health, your wealth, your safety and security? Perhaps your fear is about spiders and creepy-crawlies that make you squirm in terror?

Give your fears a name.

Speak The Truth That You Know About God

• God is faithful.

Lamentations 3:22–23 (NLT)The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. 

• God is all-powerful.

Isaiah 40:29 (NLT) He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

• God will never leave you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) Be strong and courageous. DO not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

• God is for you.

Romans 8:31 (NIV) What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

• God is good.

Psalms 136:1 (NIV)Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.

• God fights for you.

Deuteronomy 20:4 (ESV)For the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies; to give you the victory.

I want to introduce you to one of my favorite fear-fighters. She is my dear friend and blogging mentor, Kelly Balarie. Her website is PurposefulFaith.com.

Earlier this year, Kelly came out with a new book called Fear Fighting: Awakening Courage To Overcome Your Fears and it is just that—a manual to come face-to-face with our deepest fears,  and use God’s strength to awaken our courage and overcome every anxiety, worry, or doubt that stands in our way.

Kelly is a natural cheerleader. When I first entered the blogging community, Kelly was the first to reach out and invite me into her group. Every time I am discouraged, doubting my words or my calling, Kelly is right there to energize and encourage. And that’s precisely what she does with this book.

It’s far less about having shining circumstances or a picture of a sparkling future or an image with no cracks and much more about the small choice to remove your shoes in faith, knowing God’s planning goodness for you. Fear Fighting– pg 42.

She beautifully weaves her own experience with fear and teaches us how to allow the Spirit to rise up within us to help us fight our fears. She shows us how to identify fear-inducers like the devil, control, people-pleasing, worry, comparison, and many more, so we can demolish every fear the enemy would use to defeat us and destroy us.

With a clear action plan and a twelve-week study guide, this book will help arm you, inspire you, and encourage you. It will help you find the bravery and strength you never knew existed so you can discover as Kelly describes, the beautiful woman God created you to be.

What Is a Fear Fighter?

A fear fighter doesn't look around but rather inside for strength.  She doesn't back down to naysayers but says God will help her.  She doesn't see the waves as waters ready to sink her but floats to new heights.

She doesn't fear the truth but voices it, knowing it heals.  She doesn't live a fake faith but finds a small seed within and nurtures it.  She doesn't feel like a puppet, moving to the sway of the world, but dances.

She loses herself in vast Love to find herself loved.  She will be you and she will be me, only by the power of the Holy Spirit.Fear Fighting _pg. 16

This book was named as one of Kathy Lee Gifford’s favorites on the Today Show. It has been a bestseller and there’s a reason why.

We all face fear. We all struggle to silence the roar of lies that invades our hearts. We all long for the bravery of a lion to stop running and start fighting. We dream of facing our fear-Goliath and standing with arms in the sky as we conquer this foe once and for all.

Fear Fighting gives us the roadmap based on God’s Word. I am ready to be a fear-fighter. I’m ready to be done with this mess called fear. I’m ready to live life to the fullest, to find joy, contentment, and peace. Are you ready?

Let’s do this together!

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Blog

Sep 17, 2019

How To Stop Hanging On By a Thread

Sep 17, 2019

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Sep 10, 2019

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

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Jul 2, 2019

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May 28, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?

May 28, 2019

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/15539289

The One Quality Guaranteed To Make You Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise

The Secret Of Delayed Gratification

Could you sit with your favorite cookie in front of you and not eat it? Could you eye a favorite shirt at the department store and make a choice not to buy it?

Surprisingly, many individuals can’t. Whether in their relationships with finances, food, work, or romance, many people find it difficult-to-impossible to resist the urges they feel in order to avoid impulse decisions. Why do you think rates of personal debt are so high and savings are so low? Why do you think rates of obesity are at epidemic levels? Why do you think relationships are more volatile and strained than ever before?

The Marshmallow Experiment

In 1970 psychologist Walter Mischel famously placed a marshmallow in front of a group of children and gave them a choice: they could eat the marshmallow immediately, or they could wait until he returned a few minutes later and then be rewarded with a second. If they didn’t wait, however, they would not get a second marshmallow.

The choice was simple: they could have one treat right now or two treats later.

Upon leaving, many children ate the marshmallow almost immediately. A few, though, resisted eating the first marshmallow long enough to receive the second.

Mischel termed these childrenhigh-delay children.

Published in 1972, this popular study became known as The Marshmallow Experiment, but it wasn't the treat that made it famous. The fascinating part came years later.

The Power of Delayed Gratification

Interestingly, the children who were best able to delay gratification in the marshmallow experiment, later on did better in school and had fewer behavioral problems than the children who could only resist eating the marshmallow for a few minutes.

As adults, the high-delay children ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. In contrast, the children who had the most trouble delaying gratification had higher rates of incarceration as adults and were more likely to struggle with drug and alcoholaddiction.

The researchers followed each child for more than 40 years. Repeatedly, the group who waited patiently for the second marshmallow succeeded in whatever capacity they were measuring. In other words, this series of experiments proved that the ability to delay gratification was critical for success in life.

The Bible speaks clearly to the concept of self-control. Here are a few verses that show the importance God places on the ability to delay gratification, to manage our emotional impulses and to make wise choices for ourselves both short-and long-term.

Proverbs 25:28 (ESV) A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.

Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV)But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self- control. Here there is no conflict with the law.

2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Titus 2:2 (NLT)Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have strong faith and be filled with love and patience.

2 Peter 1:5,6 (NIV)For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.

God thinks this is pretty important, huh? That is why I wrote my book, Peace For a Lifetime. It speaks to the vital nature of our relationship with our emotions, our need to feel, understand, and think differently so we can effectively and wisely manage our impulses in order to achieve the plans God has designed for us.

Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future lives and crimes to society. _Daniel Webster

Learning To Say ‘No’ To Ourselves

So is this where we give up, tell ourselves we would have taken the marshmallow and sulk in our hot chocolate? I hope not!

What I love so much about the journey is that Emotional Abundance is never too late to develop or acquire. You may not be good at delayed gratification today, but you can always train yourself, just like you train your muscles at the gym.

In his book, Play The Man, NY Times bestselling author, Mark Batterson, talks about the secret sauce to success in self-control.   He states, We want success without sacrifice, but life doesn’t work that way. Success will not be short-changed. You have to pay the price, and it never goes on sale. The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself.

[clickToTweet tweet="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself. _Mark Batterson" quote="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself."]

Exercising the no muscle gave Jesus the strength to withstand the temptations of satan in the wilderness, and the no muscle is the one thing that will help you withstand the temptations you face throughout your day. Exercising discipline physically helps develop discipline spiritually and emotionally.

As Batterson adds, Discipline begets discipline.

What area do you need to develop your no muscle? Where are your triggers? What areas do your children have difficulties using their no muscles?

Is it hard for you to say no to:

- food?

- spending money?

- an angry outburst when something doesn’t go your way?

- your sexual appetites?

- making everyone around you happy?

- social media?

- what about video games, technology, alcohol, sports?

The next time you find yourself having the impulse to do something you know you shouldn’t —to skip the work project you should really get done, or to buy something you shouldn’t just because you want it —don’t. Yes, don’t.

Strengthening Our 'No' Muscles

Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions inside when you say no to yourself. Listen to name the emotions, understand where they are coming from, and coach yourself honestly and truthfully through the emotions towards a positive reward at the end.

The truth for me is, I don’t really need this extra helping of mashed potatoes. The truth is, what I am really wanting is to feel loved and valued. The truth is, God loves me and I love me. I want to care for myself well and get my body in the shape that would make me feel best. And the truth is, if I don’t get that extra helping right now, I will give myself my favorite fruit after my workout as a treat. And my body will thank me later. That will be the best gift to myself.

We can do this!

Hebrews 4:15 (NIV) tells us, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

John 16:33 (NIV) adds, I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

We can develop our ability to delay gratification and in doing so, we will watch everything around us begin to change. Life becomes calmer, we are better able to manage our emotions, our time, our resources, and we get to experience the life we’ve always dreamed.

Life does not always have to feel out of reach. Success isn’t just for someone else. Peace is achievable, sustainable.

Yes, delaying gratification is definitely worth the wait!

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Blog

Sep 17, 2019

How To Stop Hanging On By a Thread

Sep 17, 2019

Sep 17, 2019

Sep 10, 2019

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

Sep 10, 2019

Sep 10, 2019

Sep 3, 2019

4 Ways You Can Fight Back Against Loneliness

Sep 3, 2019

Sep 3, 2019

Aug 27, 2019

ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

Aug 27, 2019

Aug 27, 2019

Aug 20, 2019

Created for Wholeness - Guest Post by Denise Wolf

Aug 20, 2019

Aug 20, 2019

Aug 13, 2019

8 Keys To a Healthy Relationship With Your Body

Aug 13, 2019

Aug 13, 2019

Aug 6, 2019

Four Ways To Celebrate A Perfectly ImPerfect You

Aug 6, 2019

Aug 6, 2019

Jul 9, 2019

7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

Jul 9, 2019

Jul 9, 2019

Jul 2, 2019

8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

Jul 2, 2019

Jul 2, 2019

May 28, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?

May 28, 2019

May 28, 2019

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Relationship Is Healthy Or Toxic

Girlfriends can be the best back-seat drivers for each other’s relationship issues. We can effortlessly diagnose any situation and tell our friend exactly what she should do, why she should do it, and when. Yet, the bravest and boldest of us can be rendered completely helpless, confused, and/or paralyzed when it comes to evaluating the health of our own relationships (or lack thereof).

Not able to see the forest for the trees, we find ourselves second-guessing our instincts, questioning our sanity, and compromising our self-respect because we long to make our relationships work.

While each relationship has a different dynamic, style, and personality based on the two individuals, there are some basic qualities in relationships that must exist for the relationship to be healthy, for it to be a haven where two people can thrive.

I’ve put together a list of qualities to help us begin to identify healthy qualities versus toxic qualities so that you can begin to assess the health of your relationships.

Here are ten qualities that can help you tell if your relationship is healthy:

Safety

Healthy relationships are safe places where two people with two different personalities, backgrounds, can come together and enjoy their differences. We all need to feel safe – physically safe and emotionally safe. Safe to share our thoughts and feelings. Safe to share our fears and wounds. Safe to share our hopes and dreams for the future.

Safe people accept us, they support us, they listen to our thoughts and feelings, they encourage us on our journey. They don’t listen to correct, criticize, or condemn. They never belittle, call us crazy, or make us feel less-than. There is no manipulation or intimidation. Relationships with bullies are never safe relationships.

Trust

Trust is the single greatest factor in determining relationship success or failure. Trust, according to Merriam Webster Online Dictionary is, firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust allows us to listen and accept each other’s words and actions based on a consistent pattern of faithfulness, reliability, and respect. Trust allows us to be vulnerable with our spouses as well as to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Are you able to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt? If not, why? Do you have faith in their words and/or actions? Is your partner trustworthy?

If you answered no to any of these, there is some level of toxicity in your relationship. Seek out professional help to work through these areas and resolve them so that you can grow in your trust for your mate.

Good Communication

Good relationships usually have good communication. Bad relationships almost always have terrible communication. You and your partner should be able to share your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs, both openly and effectively. Neither of you should feel timid about asserting yourselves in calm, respectful, appropriate ways.

As much as it involves speaking, healthy communication also involves listening. Active listening always means that you are curious to know, to hear, to understand what your partner is saying, what their viewpoint is, whether you agree with them or not. Listening well doesn’t always mean agreeing. We can have vibrant relationships and learn to enjoy each other while respecting our differences.

Communication in toxic relationships tends to escalate quickly and easily. There is no room for differences. Messages can be caustic, unkind, disrespectful, and blaming. Admiration, kindness, and gratitude are rarely spoken, but messages of criticism, contempt, and ridicule are rampant. Issues are rarely resolved in this kind of toxic environment.

Psalm 19:14 (NIV)May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Proverbs 17:27 (NIV) A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.

Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

Mutuality

Mutuality means that two people are mutually invested in the relationship. In healthy relationships, there is a certain level of commitment to each other and to the relationship as well as an equitable balance of giving and receiving.

Tina Tessa, PhD., LMFT, states,

Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. 

If either you or your partner is always ready to check out for a better opportunity, someone is probably not prioritizing the relationship. If the relationship road always seems to run one way leaving you to draw the short end of the stick, the other person is potentially not as emotionally invested as you, which may be a signal that the relationship is toxic.

Respect

Love without respect can be dangerous. It means that one person must abandon themselves to the wants/needs of the other. It is consuming, depleting, and toxic to the individual as well as to the relationship.

Respect allows both people in the relationship to see the other as a separate entity —with a unique identity, thoughts/feelings, beliefs and values, wants and needs. If a relationship is respectful, we are able to see the other person as a person, not an extension of ourselves, nor a possession or a reflection of us in any way. Healthy relationships are fertile environments where thoughtfulness, kindness, and consideration for our spouse abounds.

Healthy people listen to their spouse’s needs, desires, and concerns. They offer empathy to their partner instead of trying to fix their partner or change them. Learning to speak words of acknowledgment, appreciation, and gratitude not only for what your partner does, but for who your partner is, shows the ultimate respect for them and for the relationship.

Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Romans 12:10 (ESV)

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Philippians 2:3 (ESV)

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Shared Power

While a relationship doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50 in order to be healthy, it should have a balanced power differential. Trying to control or dominate your spouse through subtle or not-so-subtle maneuvers reveals a toxic dynamic that can destroy a relationship.

Instead of focusing your energy on seeking power over to having power with will build strength, safety, and trust.  Interestingly, research shows that shared decision making between partners actually leads to better decisions.

Relationships should be safe places where both parties can be heard, considered, where decisions are shared. Scripture describes mutual submission, sacrificial love, not dictatorial commands.

Why else would husbands be commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church? (Ephesians 5:25, NIV) The best relationships are ones where there are two excited yeses to whatever decisions need to be made. Period.

Openness, honesty, and accountability

Are there secrets in your relationship? Hidden areas, accounts, technology, or places where you or your spouse have no access? If so, you are in the danger zone.

My Momma used to tell me, People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If you or your partner is withholding information, if they are secretive, vague, or deceptive in their communication to you, there is usually a reason. And it is usually not good.

Openness, honesty, and accountability create a solid foundation for a couple to build safety, respect, and trust with each other so they can work through life’s challenges successfully. If you or your partner have a hard time admitting mistakes, can never own responsibility for words and actions, or have a hard time apologizing, your relationship is likely toxic.

Colossians 3:9 (ESV)

Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices.

Proverbs 11:3 (ESV)

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

Individuality

Healthy relationships have room for both partners to grow and flourish as individuals. Shared interests and common recreational activities are necessary for a relationship to grow, yet, if there is only room for the relationship, both partners will wither and the relationship will suffocate.

One article in Psychology Today tells couples, Feeling and demonstrating interest in each other's growth and development as individuals builds greater connection and sustained energy -- emotionally, relationally, sexually, and spiritually.  All are intertwined.

Explore individual hobbies and interests. Allow your partner to engage in their own interests as well. Avoid getting lost in the relationship or cultivating a dependence on the relationship to fill needs that God and/or you were meant to fill. Our relationships are a beautiful part of our lives. They simply cannot be all of our lives.

Cooperation

In an age of ‘me-first’ attitudes, cooperation can be a rare commodity in relationships. One of the most beautiful pictures to me of marriage is the metaphor Scripture uses of being yoked. With a yoke, two partners are joined together side-by-side. One is not ahead, the other not behind. In order to move forward effectively, they must work things out and cooperate if they are going to pull together.

Cooperation is a natural extension of mutuality. Each partner wants the best for the other. Each works to find healthy compromises, and better still, to collaborate together on win-win solutions to the challenges they face. If you or your spouse has a demanding, entitled attitude, if tempers explode any time someone doesn’t get their way, if either wants the other to lose in order to win, the relationship is likely toxic.

Proverbs 14:29  (NIV)

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 (NIV)The end of a matter is better than its beginning,and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Fun

Relationships need fun in order to flourish. While there will always be responsibilities and needs to attend to, healthy couples find time to play together, to laugh together.

It’s not easy. The stresses of life and irritations within the relationship can always leave us sidelined, if we allow them. Still, we can be intentional with date nights, with walks together, with getaway weekends. When one person always finds an excuse to avoid alone time and rarely makes time for their partner, to relax and unwind, it will lead to distance and disconnection.

The truth is, there is no perfect relationship. Most likely, there are areas that are strengths in your relationship and areas of weakness or growth. Yet, if you identify multiple areas that are toxic, I highly recommend you seek out a professional Christian therapist that can help you and your spouse work through these areas.

Even if your mate is not willing to see a therapist, go by yourself anyway. Any steps of health are ultimately steps toward health. You will gain support, encouragement, tools, direction, and strength for your journey.

Our relationships are the canvas for each of us to learn and grow. Don’t ignore the warning signs. We can make choices for health that will bless our relationships and make them the best they can be.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Is Rest The Forgotten Key To Your Emotional Wellbeing?

Rest. Typically not a word in my vocabulary.

I was coming up to the weeks before my vacation, barely hanging on by a thread. I didn’t even notice how tired I was. My body moved slowly, numbly in its predictable, mechanical motions of the day. Though I accomplished all of my responsibilities, it grew challenging to be present, much less to focus. I could hardly tell how cloudy my mind had become. How disconnected I felt. Unsteady.

The travel rituals that usually include a fun summer read, some writing, catching up on emails, this time contained sleep and a half-dozed perusal of “The Shack,” that I had wanted to see for some time, but now could barely recall any scenes, if you asked. My only collected awareness was that the seat beside me was miraculously empty, leaving me just enough space to twist my feeble limbs in a sequence of contorted positions, all in pursuit of a little rest.

The first few nights away I noticed how heavy my sleep was, as if someone was holding me in a cavernous, murky, basin of darkness, which I was helpless to fight against and could only shyly succumb. It felt good somehow. Slowly, sweetly, sleep became more rhythmic, more unassuming, allowing me to wake rested and refreshed.

Was my body finally telling me that it had worked too hard, carried too heavy a load —or was I, for the first time in a long while, listening? It can be so hard for me to listen sometimes. Hard for all of us, if we’re honest.

Have we grown so accustomed to silencing the needs of our bodies that the state of exhaustion is normal? Have we developed patterns of pushing through, all the while applauding our woeful disregard for our soul’s care and nurturing?

We live in a world where late nights and early mornings validate our human struggle, where doing without physical or emotional sustenance equates with a personal suffrage of sorts. We pass the days telling ourselves when this project is over or this season is done, then we can rest, then we can breathe. Quietly, we believe our own lies.

Lies that tell us —

…we are not enough.

…we don’t deserve good things.

…love must be for others, not for us.

…we must strive.

…we must earn.

…we must prove our worth.

Ever feel that way? Ever feel the swirl of self-defeating, self-condemning lies that invade your mind with the power of a hurricane and knock you to the ground, pulling you away from yourself and away from the rest that would be the medicine for everything that torments you and keeps you chained to your perilous busy?

Reclaim Your Heart

To tend to everyone else’s problems, to meet everyone else’s needs, seems easier, doesn’t it? Easier to numb our messy feelings than to have them spill over into our disinfected and whitewashed heart spaces. Easier to stay strong than to make ourselves vulnerable. Easier to do than to be.

We live our lives this way, one day to the next. Capable and functioning. Excelling. Surviving. We find ourselves at once too busy trying to BE God that we are never transformed BY Him.

And still, somewhere deep inside, in the shadowed places no one knows, the very depths we try ourselves to avoid, we are weary. We yearn for rest. Heart rest. Soul. Rest.

God created us for rest.  It is a pilgrimage we must choose, to follow our heart and to follow our Abba, Father to His rest.

Isaiah 30:15 (ESV) tell us that, For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.’ 

One of my favorite passages, Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV) urges us, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

That word. Rest. Say it. Inhale it. Over and over.

When we finally stop trying and start resting, start allowing His love to pour over us and into us, we find Him changing us in the strangest and most intimate ways.

We start believing—

…we are loved.

…we are the Beloved.

…we can make room for ourselves, for Him.

…we don’t have to live striving.

…we can do less.

…we can breathe.

…we are enough.

In the midst of hectic schedules, busy routines, men, women, moms and dads, need rest as a crucial, though often forgotten, key to their emotional wellbeing. Find out why rest is so important for you, too!

We All Need Emotional Margin

Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. ― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

What does your emotional margin look like? Where does rest exist in the rhythm of your routine?

Claim it. Cultivate it.

Rest is where we find our truest selves in Christ. Rest is where we can listen to our heartbeat, where we can dream again, risk again, perhaps even love again. Rest has so much to teach us and tell us, if we will listen.

Allow rest to be the unapologetic rhythm that guides your movements and your schedules. Allow His rest to uncover the songs and the stories buried inside your heart that are longing to dance out loud.

So you can live a better story. 

Today.  

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Five Rules You Need To Read Before Posting On Social Media

Today, within a two-minute span I saw two posts on Facebook —one screaming in all caps that you, cannot be a Christian and be a Democrat, the other proclaiming that, if you call yourself a Christian, you cannot be a Republican. Republicans are evil, and Democrats are godly. Two separate people. Two separate posts. Two different parts of the country.  Are you serious?!

As I’ve quietly perused social media in the wake of the Charlottesville incident, my heart grows ever weary and troubled. The way we talk to each other, the permission we give ourselves to be arrogant, condescending, hateful to each other, is alarming. What’s worse is that some of the harshest diatribes are offered, in the name of Jesus. Really?

This wounds me to the core. What concerns me the most is not necessarily the content of our conversations —differing opinions have never bothered me. What concerns me is the dynamic that is occurring in these online exchanges. Perhaps because I am trained to analyze communication styles and teach couples which qualities work and which qualities don’t work in their relationships, seeing how online conversations escalate from respectful disagreements to all-out war, is disconcerting, at best.

I wrote in my book, Peace For A Lifetime, about the importance of relationship dynamics. There are certain characteristics of communication that determine a couple’s viability and strength. Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher on relationships and communication, suggests that it is not if a couple fights but how they fight, that determines whether their relationship will survive.

You see, we will all disagree with someone at some point in our relationships. Gottman even argues that 70% of a couple’s disagreements are unresolvable, yes unresolvable. Only 30% of a couple’s disagreements are actually resolvable. Therefore, it is how they interact and communicate around the 70% unresolvable issues that will determine if they can create the safety and respect necessary to build a healthy, strong relationship.

The same principles at work within the microcosm of couple relationships, I believe apply in a larger sense to our relationships online, within our families, and across our nation. It is how we are communicating and interacting with one another that is destroying our ability to coexist, interact, and solve the problems of this great nation.

I’ve come up with some rules for communicating on social media and in real life relationships that will help move our families and our country forward, and will breathe new life into all our online relationships.

Before posting anything, take a breath. A long breath.

Ask yourself if what you are typing is necessary, if it adds anything to the larger conversation. Sometimes less is more. I am in no way suggesting that we silence our hearts or remove our voices from being heard on important topics, but sometimes every fleeting thought or feeling doesn’t need to be injected on each post or comment with which we disagree. It just doesn’t.

I try to be careful about when I post, comment, etc., because that post is rarely the last word of the thread, and the emotional rancor from the discussion that follows almost always steals my peace. Someone always comments, always rebuts, always disagrees, no matter what I share. Reading follow-up comments, replying, thinking of the perfect “comeback” keeps me from enjoying my day and from directing my energies toward the people and purposes God has called me to invest myself.

We need to ask ourselves, Do I really need to share? Is it worth it? Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t.

Be humble.

You are not God. You are not the ultimate authority on every aspect of political, religious, and cultural life in this country. Your perspective is valuable because it is uniquely derived through your set of experiences, both historic and present, and therefore has merit as a member of the human race and as a citizen of this country.

However, it is not your job to set everyone straight, to label, criticize, or condemn. Sorry. Emotionally-abundant individuals are able to hold on to their unique identity, their values and beliefs while being close to someone who may be different from them. It wouldn’t be okay for someone to require us to abandon ourselves in order to be close to them, and it is not okay for us to demand anyone else abandon themselves either.

We can agree to disagree. Respectfully. Calmly.   We can create a space where two perspectives can coexist safely without fear, intimidation, without shame or condemnation.

Be kind.

If you feel the need to post or comment on social media, use the same rules your mother taught you about how to treat others.

• If you can’t say something nice (with kindness, respect, care, or concern), perhaps you shouldn’t say anything at all.

• Treat others how you would want to be treated.

• Bullying anyone is never okay. Period.

Somehow on social media, it becomes easy to lambast someone from the safety of our computer with impunity. Many of us would never say the things we say on Facebook to someone face-to-face. We rally against bullying, hate, and discrimination in our social circles all the while we are bullying, hating, and discriminating against others online.

Share how you feel —your personal emotional experience. When this happened, it made me feel (fill in the blank.) Share your individual perspective, but be careful to avoid criticism, condemnation, defensiveness, and sarcasm.

Belittling statements, broad judgments, name-calling, and insidious corrections of someone else’s opinion as if we were elected to be the righteous police —these serve only to destroy. They not only destroy our opponent, they destroy us.  They form a cancer of bitterness that infects us slowly from the inside out. Worse yet, they will destroy our relationships. Ultimately, they will destroy our nation.

Be fair-minded.

If you are going to hop on your bandwagon about the atrocities on one side of the political aisle, you should also be willing to speak out against the atrocities in your own party.

We have become masters at victimization. We are well-schooled at claiming offenses, inciting outrage, and denouncing the opposition on issues that are important to us. All the while we remain stunningly silent on offenses that are equally egregious and shameful, simply because they don’t fit our agenda.

If we are truly speaking from a place of justice, then we should seek justice for all. That means that we speak up for our black brothers and sisters, that we denounce all forms of hatred. It also means that we speak up against corruption, division, hateful rhetoric, all forms of bigotry and violence, no matter where it arises, whether it is convenient to our cause or not.

Listen first.

Truly listen. Listen to understand, not to correct, rebut, or defend. There is a personal experience behind every opinion, an honest story behind every belief that we should seek to access, lean into, and be curious about. Stop trying to win the argument. Perhaps winning comes more from hearing and considering another’s perspective. It is here that God can enlarge and expand our hearts, shattering the rigid confines of our myopic experience.

We will never solve the great woes of this land by trying to shame, annihilate, or subjugate the other side. The other side isn’t going away and they are not changing their minds, no matter how much you may want them to. Our country is trembling. She is crying out for each of us to lay down our weapons and work together. Pray together. Listen to each other. Really listen.

Are you tired of the hate on social media? Here are 5 simple rules for men, women, individuals, and teens , for sharing effectively online.

In the end, we will only move forward if we move together. We can, we must. Stop waiting for someone else to take the first step, let’s each decide that we are the first step. We will get there, one step at a time. God is faithful.

Sometimes when we feel like the chaos is too consuming and we are becoming our worst selves, God steps in and creates pivotal moments where we can choose to be our best selves, to be who God created us to be. To love, to serve, to do daily as Micah 6:8 (NIV) exhorts us…

To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

When We’re Feeling Too Small To Make Any Difference In This World

We crossed at low tide. With only one road that washes out with the waves, there was a small window of time to make our way across, to leave behind the mainland and enter this remote, speck of an island…Holy Island.

It was holy. There was something powerful and sacred about this place —like reaching back and touching history over 1500 years ago. And what a history this place has.

Situated right off the eastern coast of Great Britain, Holy Island sits right on the border between England and Scotland. It’s called Holy Island because in 635 AD Saint Aidan came here from the isle of Iona in Scotland and established Lindisfarne Priory. Known as the Cradle of Christianity, this place was the evangelical center of its time, bringing Christianity to all of England.

It’s hard to believe when you are standing here. Hard to imagine how something so small could have such a profound impact, not just on Great Britain, but on our own country’s religious history as well. The men of that day could not have imagined the lengths their legacy of faith would reach.

Sometimes I get trapped in thinking that my life, my ministry, my calling is of no value because of its size. In this day and age perhaps, it is easy to become discouraged, believing we can’t make a difference in this chaotic time we’re living, that we cannot impact the world for Christ in any meaningful way without a national ministry, a prestigious position, or a sizeable social media following.

That’s what the powers that be tell us, at least. Yet if a tiny island in the middle of nowhere can be used by God to change the course of history, then perhaps God can use each of us right where we are, with what gifts we have, to leave a powerful legacy.

God uses the smallest things to accomplish the greatest purposes.

God used just three small stones to defeat a giant (I Sam 17, NIV). He used five loaves and two fish to feed a multitude (John 6:1-14, NIV). He used a simple carpenter to save the world. He can use you, too. He wants to. He longs to. He loves you and created you for a purpose.

Where has God called you to serve today? Who has God called you to love today?

Maybe your legacy today is in loving and serving in your home, raising up little ones to be warriors for Christ. Maybe your legacy is in loving and serving those in your neighborhood, your community, your local church.  Maybe it's standing up to hate, to violence, to bigotry whenever it arises, in whatever size, shape, or form it takes.

Whatever it is, wherever He calls, your legacy is right in front of you. It may not be grand or lucrative. It may not guarantee you an enormous following. It may not ever be noticed by anyone around you. But it will be noticed by God.  It will make a difference.

Imagine what kind of impact your life may leave for generations to come. Imagine what could change if we didn’t get paralyzed and discouraged by the lies of the enemy telling us we are not enough, that God could never use us, that nothing we do could ever make a difference. Imagine each of us loving what is right in front of us, each serving whomever crosses our path. Imagine.

…walls torn down.

…hearts transformed.

…communities working together.

…a nation healed.

I Corinthians 1:27 (NIV) tells us that, God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

It will start with us. You and me. One act of love at a time.

God uses the smallest things to accomplish the greatest purposes.

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Blog

Nov 5, 2019

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Nov 5, 2019

Aug 20, 2019

Created for Wholeness - Guest Post by Denise Wolf

Aug 20, 2019

Aug 20, 2019

Jul 23, 2019

3 Lies About Pornography That Could Be Destroying Your Marriage

Jul 23, 2019

Jul 23, 2019

May 21, 2019

Finding a New Way To Live When Life Brings You Down - Guest Post by Jolene Underwood

May 21, 2019

May 21, 2019

May 7, 2019

4 Truths People With Mental Illness Need The Church To Know

May 7, 2019

May 7, 2019

Apr 16, 2019

When Grief Feels Like A Forever Good Friday

Apr 16, 2019

Apr 16, 2019

Apr 9, 2019

Three Ways To Surrender Judgment and Welcome a Heart of Compassion

Apr 9, 2019

Apr 9, 2019

Mar 26, 2019

Eight Ways to Live in Real Joy - Guest Post by Karen Friday

Mar 26, 2019

Mar 26, 2019

Jan 22, 2019

My Prayer for 2019 – How To Hope For Things That Feel Hopeless

Jan 22, 2019

Jan 22, 2019

Jan 8, 2019

The One Thing Your New Year Needs Most

Jan 8, 2019

Jan 8, 2019

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Six Strategies To Help You Thrive After Divorce

Few people walk down the aisle at their wedding thinking about divorce. But it happens. The reality is that 5 in 10 marriages will end in divorce, and 3.8 in 10 evangelical Christian marriages will not survive, according to statistics.

Divorce is one of the most significant stressors anyone will ever experience in life bringing with it not only the death of a marriage, but also the death of the hopes and dreams we have for our life and our future. What’s worse many say, is that after divorce, their spouse is still living and building another life without them. In addition, when there are children involved, they are forced in most situations to interact with their ex at some level.

Individuals walking through divorce can never get away from the pain, it seems. Every text, every phone call, every chance encounter, brings a depth of unresolved emotion and gut-wrenching pain to the surface, forcing them to deal. As best they can.

Though coping with divorce can be overwhelming, you will never be able to move fully into your future without first grieving this tragic loss. Here are six strategies to help you successfully cope with a divorce.

Be Intentional With Grief

Many individuals go into crisis mode when faced with divorce. Pushing the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, heartache, and confusion aside, they focus almost entirely on practical details of the legal divorce. They feel as if they are doing great, that they are coping well, until one day they have no battle to distract themselves with, and an ocean of pain begins pour to in, devouring them and leaving them in a bottomless pit of despair.

Please be intentional with your grief. You will never bypass grief, you can’t go over or under it. The only way to the other side is to walk through the grief process. Those who are intentional with grief will face their feelings and allow themselves to feel them in a healthy way. Having healthy outlets for their emotions, they will be able to absorb the loss from the divorce until they are ready to move forward and rebuild their lives successfully.

Ecclesiastes 3:2,4 (NIV) describes that there is a season for everything, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

If you would like to read more about how to grieve in a healthy way, you’ll want to read "How The Power of Grieving Prepares Us To Dance!"

Get Connected In Community

During a divorce, you need more support than ever before. You also need different kinds of support. Great friends and family are vital in providing emotional support and encouragement during the divorce process, but you also need support from sources that can understand the unique emotional stresses associated with divorce.

Groups like DivorceCare not only provide an environment of support from those who are in like circumstances, they also create a healthy, structured setting to help educate on many of the issues surrounding the emotional aspects of a divorce. More than anything, support groups can offer a needed prevention against getting stuck in the grief process.

Do not isolate. Don’t become an island warrior. Do your best to surround yourself with love, encouragement, and support, so that you enter the next season of your life as healed and whole-hearted as possible.

Galatians 6:2 (NIV) says, Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Get Involved In Church

Studies show that faith is a significant source for healing, especially when we are going through a challenging season. Many people pull away from their faith during a divorce, at a time when they need it most.

Allow your faith to be a resource that strengthens and steadies you in this season. God knows where you are. He sees the pain. He hasn’t forgotten you. He loves you. He longs to be the One you run to when life becomes too overwhelming, too out of control. He longs to be your covering in torrents of the storm.

Let Him. Lean into Him and allow Him to pour His love over you in the most gentle and loving of ways. Let Him hold you up when you feel like you can’t bear one more minute. He will. He has. He always does. That’s who He is!

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV) encourages us, So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; Iwillupholdyou withmyrighteousrighthand.

Do Not Date While You Are Going Through A Divorce

The last thing you need while going through a divorce is a new relationship. You need this time to heal.  I know loneliness can feel more unbearable than you could have imagined. I know your pain is overwhelming.

Still, let this season be a time for your healing. Period. Every day that you remain focused on your healing, every minute that you focus inward and allow God to do His cleansing, transforming work in your heart, will be a multiplied blessing to your future relationship. It is vital that you close the door on this relationship —physically, emotionally, and spiritually— before you enter another.

Love will come again. In some way, shape, or form, you will experience the love for which you long. But you will not experience healthy love birthed from this deep wound. Your heart will scream its desperate need. Your loneliness will betray you. Give yourself time. You will heal. You will love.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV) tells us that, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Find a Good Therapist

Therapy is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself while going through a divorce. I often hear people say they don’t want to spend the money, but I can think of no better investment for your healing, or your future.

There are many resources for professional therapy —your local church, community counseling centers, or referrals from friends. People who have engaged in therapy during their divorce are always glad they did, recognizing the power of having someone outside of their circle of family and friends, who can help them through the grief process, and who can walk with them as they begin to pick up the pieces of their lives and re-imagine their future.

Be Compassionate With Yourself

This is likely to be one of the most difficult seasons of your life. Now is not the time for rigid goals or agendas. Be flexible. Show yourself the same kind of grace you would show a good friend.

This season will take more than a minute, to heal from and move past. Your emotions will feel as erratic and intense as a rollercoaster. You will feel great one day and horrific the next. Don’t be so harsh with yourself. The divorce will end, you will make it through, even if it takes longer than you expect.

Breathe. Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture. Just focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV) states, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Divorce doesn’t have to be the end.  You can make it through this season, and enter the next season healed, whole, ready to see what God has in store.

Going through a divorce can be tough for anyone. Here are six strategies to help individuals, men, women, cope, survive, and thrive both during and after a divorce.

God doesn’t just create new things; He is also a God of making all things new. That includes your heart and your life, if you let Him. Though you never expected this would be a part of your journey, it doesn't mean God cannot do something beautiful in you. He has. He is. Trust Him.

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Blog

Sep 3, 2019

4 Ways You Can Fight Back Against Loneliness

Sep 3, 2019

Sep 3, 2019

Jul 23, 2019

3 Lies About Pornography That Could Be Destroying Your Marriage

Jul 23, 2019

Jul 23, 2019

Jul 16, 2019

Finding God's Healing Through The Pain of Divorce

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7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

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ASK LISA - How Do I Navigate Sex and Dating?

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Feb 26, 2019

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Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Feb 12, 2019

Feb 12, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

Are Your Expectations Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Three Lifelines That Can Help You Win The Battle Against Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Nights can be the worst. That’s when they steal in and threaten to pull me under. Panic attacks.

Not me, the therapist, I thought. I had been free of panic attacks for almost twenty years and out of nowhere, they began again —three in the last eight months.

Somehow in the middle of the night a tsunami of sheer terror arises out of nowhere and crashes over me before I even know what’s happening, before I can have a conscious thought or even begin to fight for my life. In those moments, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster not to drown in the fear and to keep my head above water, though everything is pulling at me, holding me beneath the surface, jeopardizing my very survival. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

It’s not pretty. Sometimes a panic attack can mean a sleepless night, other times the attack can result in my body waging an internal war, tying every ligament and cell into a knot of torture and torment that can take days to calm. What has been worse for me is developing a fear of the fear, a dread and/or apprehension of having another attack.

Psychology Today defines a panic attack as, a sudden rush of fear and anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere and causes both physical and psychological symptoms. The level of fear experienced is unrealistic and completely out of proportion to the events or circumstances that trigger a panic attack.

Everyone who suffers from panic attacks experiences them differently, but some of the symptoms are fairly universal. These can be:

• trouble breathing

• chest pain

• rapid heart beat

• a feeling of impending doom or dread

• shortness of breath

• feeling of choking or smothering

• trembling

• sweating

• nausea

• feeling like you are going to die

If you have ever experienced extreme anxiety or panic attacks, you might feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Panic attacks can be quite common, with about 6 million American adults having a diagnosed panic disorder, a condition marked by recurrent panic attacks, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). At least 11% of the population has a panic attack in a given year.

These attacks typically affect more women than men, young adults, and individuals with workaholic, type A personalities, but they can also be found in children. They can be triggered by specific situations, by extended periods of extreme stress, or by nothing at all.

Suddenly your body surges with adrenaline. You are hit with a feeling of dread and impending doom like you are going to die, go crazy, faint or lose control, said Tamar Chansky, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book, Freeing Yourself from Anxiety.

Chansky goes on to describe the onset of a panic attack as the brain, suddenly and out of the blue, engaging the emergency response program like it would if you’re in serious danger. [This] would be great except that it happens in the absence of any actual threat.

Dr. Archibald Hart, Christian psychologist and expert on stress and anxiety, says in his book, The Anxiety Cure, that, many hard-working, driven people don’t realize just how close [we] walk to the precipice of anxiety until one day, out of the blue, a panic attack strikes . . . . We don’t realize how close we are to the edge of anxiety until we lose our footing and tumble . . . into the dark abyss of panic.

For me, there was tremendous shame because I believed somehow I should have this anxiety thing whipped.  To be honest,  shame's dark cloud held me in a prison of silence for a season. I told no one. Believing at the same time I was a spiritual failure because I couldn’t think clearly enough to get my Bible and find the verses dealing with fear, proved to be overwhelming.  Yet today, I have hope.

While medication is necessary for some people, I have found several strategies that have turned the tide and are helping me win the battle over extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Lean Into the Wave

In the midst of a panic attack most of my energy is spent trying to get away, to escape the horrific feelings that are pounding against me. Running never works —it usually makes it worse.

Deep-breathing exercises are critical in dealing with extreme anxiety or panic attacks. If you would like to learn more about deep breathing and watch a tutorial, here is a helpful article that will guide you step-by-step through deep-breathing techniques.

I’m learning more and more how to lean in and breathe through the feelings of panic. Like many women who breathe into labor pains, leaning in and breathing into the panic begins to change the direction of my energy. I can slowly focus my energy on the present moment, which helps me accept the feelings in my body and press through them to the other side.

Yes, there is another side. It’s important to know that a panic attack won’t last forever. In fact, they usually last about 10 minutes. The panic will begin to fade, moving away like waves slowly wandering back out to sea. In the end, you may be left a little tired, perhaps a little drained, but you will also relieved.

Talk Myself Off The Ledge

I cannot even think of talking myself through anything if I haven’t learned to lean into the wave and begun to slow my heart rate, calming my physical body to the point the fight or flight symptoms of brain fog start to dissipate. At this point I am clear-headed enough to re-engage my thinking and begin talking myself off the ledge.

At first, my thoughts are simple. I am okay. I am safe. God is with me. This won’t last forever. Being able to remind myself that though I am going through a difficult moment, it won’t kill me and I will make it to the other side, is invaluable.

Tip, strategies, tools, for adults, individuals and teens to overcome anxiety and panic attacks

I will also start to speak out loud my favorite Scripture on God’s love for me, His compassion, His care, even in my deepest struggles. Here are a few of my verses:

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) -The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV) - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

John 14:27 (NIV) - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 4:8 (NKJV) - I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

If I am still in a stressed state and my thoughts are racing, I will usually implement some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that allow me to see the connection between my thoughts and behaviors. The point of CBT for those of us with panic disorder is to teach us how the panic attacks start as well as how to not perpetuate them. By learning to question the negative thoughts associated with the panic attack, decatastrophize the thoughts by taking them to their worst case conclusion, and challenge the negative beliefs, we can stop the panic spiral.

Without that panic spiral of catastrophizing questions — what’s next, what’s next, what’s next?! — panic attacks really can’t occur anymore, says Chansky.

Take Myself To The Beach (almost)

Guided imagery is powerful to help redirect my focus from the physical and emotional distress of the panic attack to my calm, safe place where I am free of any worry, anxiety, or fear. With guided imagery, I close my eyes and begin to focus on the smallest details of my calm, safe place —for me, the beach.

In noticing and engaging the sights, the smells, the sounds, and the sensations of the beach, I give my full attention to my safety rather than my stressor. In minutes, I can feel my body start to relax and my mind slowly untangle from the irrational, panicked thoughts that created the panic attack in the first place.

Phillipians 4:8 (NIV) tells us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

We don’t have to remain helpless victims to our fear and panic. We don’t have to let it destroy our peace. We are powerful to shape our experiences and create mindful, intentional ways to redirect our thoughts, to refocus our minds on something that is true, that is lovely. Pure.

I’m sure many people think those of us who struggle with anxiety and panic should, just get over it, as I once thought. I can’t say I will never have a panic attack again —the truth is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I am cultivating the courage to deal with them differently and each time, I’m a little less scared than before. Each time, my strength grows and my bravery shines, for I know I don’t walk this path alone.

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Blog

Sep 17, 2019

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Sep 10, 2019

Alcohol Addiction Recovery: 8 Critical Commitments to Minimize Relapse

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ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

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8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

Jul 2, 2019

Jul 2, 2019

May 28, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?

May 28, 2019

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

I was sitting on my back porch a few weeks back, reading quietly while sipping on a hot cup of coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed one of my juniper trees start to shake. All of a sudden, I saw what looked like a tiny round blob drop like a paperweight to the earth. It appeared lifeless, it exerted no movement —until right before it hit the ground, two small wings sprouted and the baby bird flew off excitedly into a nearby tree.

It took a second for me to realize there was even a bird’s nest in the tree, much less to determine that what I witnessed was the final moments of a baby bird’s effort to leave the nest. It wasn’t pretty. It didn’t look hopeful. In fact, everything told me that whatever it was would surely wind up as a splat at the bottom of the tree.

But it didn’t. As so many baby birds have done in the past, they all have a similar experience, a collective moment when they can no longer reside in the safe confines of the mama bird’s nest, when they must take that step into the unknown, and they must learn how to fly.

Interesting how different things have become for Millennials learning to fly today.

Recently Pew Research Center released a study stating that Millennial's most popular living arrangement is living at their parent’s house at 32.1%. Instead of cheering our children while they launch, instead of nudging them out of the nest, many parents these days appear horrified at the notion. It seems our ideal is to do everything we can to delay the move, to minimize the risk, and to make our Millennial’s transition to adulthood as seamless and as secure as possible. To remove any uncertainty, any challenges, and as a result, any growth.

How can we as parents know when our love for our children isn’t loving at all? How can we give them the greatest chance for success in life? And how can we know when it’s time for our adult children to move out? Here are three signs that it is time for your Millennial to leave the nest and learn to fly.

When They Stop Struggling

Growth is always a struggle. It’s not supposed to be easy. Developmentally, this is where resilience is cultivated, where our identity, our confidence in our competence, and our purpose in life are forged.

Participation trophies don’t give kids a strong self-concept. Doing kids' chores for them so they can sleep in doesn’t produce a strong, developed character capable of meeting their own physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. Only struggle, yes struggle prepares them to lean into life as well as their relationships in the midst of the storm without going under when the going gets tough.

Malcom Gladwell offered, A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.

Albert Bandura described that, In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.

So why do we parents remove every aspect of struggle from our children’s lives? Why do we desire for our children to remain fragile, weak and underdeveloped?

We need to begin seeing struggle as agift—a good gift at that. When they are not struggling, when there is no external battle for forward momentum and independence, it is time for our Millennials to leave.

Here are a few signs:

• When they spend more time on the couch than we do, they are not struggling.

• When they are not actively putting together and implementing a plan for school or work, they are not struggling.

• When most of their day is spent sleeping, but their social life in the evening is busier than ever, they are definitely not struggling.

• When they give you their grocery list and/or bills to pay, most likely they are not struggling.

• When they don’t have money to pay for rent or the cell phone bill, but they have plenty of money for manicures, dinners out with friends, new clothes, new games, and other luxuries, they are not struggling.

When They Stop Growing

From the time we are born until the time we die, we should be growing. We were created to grow. In some way, we should be moving, learning, stretching, and healing whether we are 5 yrs old or 50 yrs old. Yet many Millennials today prioritize enjoyment in life over growth. When they are not actively growing, they become sapped of energy and creativity, drained of the very curiosity that would engage them, focus them, or give them passion for something that could become their purpose in life.

Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within.

[clickToTweet tweet="Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within." quote="Purpose does not come upon us externally as a lightning bolt. Purpose is only cultivated within."]

Home should not become a breeding ground for stagnation. Home should provide fertile soil for our adult children to grow. If we do not see them actively growing, then it is time for them to go. A new environment with all of its struggles and challenges is most likely the perfect environment for them to persevere, to overcome, to build purpose and to thrive.

American psychologist, Abraham Maslow, stated, In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.

The question becomes, do we want our children to thrive, or are we more interested in them needing us? Do we get our sense of self as good parents by doing everything for our children, and for providing for all of their needs? Do we feel guilty that because we have been successful in life we owe our children a certain lifestyle?   Are we afraid that if we don’t provide for our children, they will not figure things out?

Here are a few signs:

• When it’s clear your child isn’t getting anywhere at work, they are not growing.

• When your child has no definite educational, financial, or career goals with specific timelines, they are not growing.

• When your child hasn’t offered to mow the lawn, do the dishes, clean the house, or run errands, they are not growing.

• When your child isn’t developing healthy patterns and/or routines for eating, exercise, spiritual growth, or relationships, chances are they are not growing.

• When your child continually demands their rights and freedoms while ignoring any responsibility or accountability, they are probably not growing.

• When your child’s bank account does not increase by at least the monthly rent cost of a room or an apartment they would have rented, they are not growing.

When They Stop Dreaming

Many of our life’s accomplishments began as a dream. I remember dreaming as a teenager and young adult of everything I longed for in life. I dreamed of career aspirations, I dreamed of marriage and family life, experiences, travel, and a million other possibilities. Somewhere in the process of dreaming, opportunities to invest in my dreams usually came alive.

If our adult children are not actively dreaming, actively imagining what their lives could be, they will not be in a position to connect with opportunity should it arrive. They will feel uncertain, doubtful, overwhelmed. Many will struggle with anxiety and depression.  Not having the active, accelerated psychological energy to move when a door opens will prevent them from engaging in the kinds of activities that will ultimately help them make their dreams come true.

When they are not dreaming, they are merely existing, and they will never muster the emotional energy it takes to leave. And no, gaming is not the same as dreaming. They should spend more time dreaming about their long-term goals than they do on immediate wants or needs.

Anais Nin said that, Dreams are necessary to life.

Poet and author, Victor Hugo, also stated that, Each man should frame life so that at some future hour fact and his dreaming meet.

If they are not actively invested in planting emotional, financial, and occupational seeds for their future, it is time to leave. If they are not intentionally pursuing their dreams, they will never move beyond their dependency on us into independent, dynamic adults.

Here are a few signs:

• When their only dream is what you will be making for dinner, they are not dreaming.

• When their dreams consist of what new video game, what new outfit, or what new vacation they want, they are not dreaming.

• When most of their time, energy, and/or income is spent on entertainment, they are not dreaming.

• When their greatest plans are about what they want right now instead of what they want for their lives later, they are not dreaming.

• When they look to you to dream for them or provide their dreams to them, they are not dreaming.

We as parents love our children. We want them to succeed in life to build a bright and hopeful future. We must get out of the way.

Deuteronomy 7:9 (NIV) tells us, Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations…

We must recognize when our own emotional issues are preventing us from taking the steps we need to help our Millennials move into their future, and get help to deal with our own emotional issues.

We can help them. We can love them. Most of all, we can pray for them. We can lovingly nudge them out of our living room and into their life. We can. We must. They are counting on us!

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Blog

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Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

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ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

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Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

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May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Authenticity and The Courage To Let Your Real Self Shine Through

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The truth is, sometimes I’m not fine. There are moments my day hasn’t gone great, and yes, some days the weather really does stink.

That’s what I want to say at least, but I rarely do. How about you?

There are a lot of things about me I don’t say, many truths I keep tucked inside, hidden in the bottom drawer of my heart, for fear others wouldn’t want to hear about what’s really going on with me. Somehow I believe if I let them see the real me, they might think I’m crazy, too much to handle. Or they might just reject me altogether.

So I’ve learned to edit myself. If we’re honest, I think most of us edit ourselves. We’ve learned to do a fair job stitching together the prettiest sides of ourselves to show people while keeping the worn and ragged edges hidden out of sight. We pray no one will notice and try to convince ourselves that our patchwork looks as good as new. As long as no one gets too close.

Up close is where the reality of our threadbare and disheveled selves might poke through. Where the tears, the insecurities, the pockets full of unworthiness spill their ugly selves onto our identity. It isn’t pretty.

The problem is, all the years I hid my truest self, all the years I kept everyone at arm’s length, I also kept the beauty of intimacy and vulnerability from ever reaching my impenetrable, fear-filled heart.

Relationship is the casualty of a guarded heart, the victim of pretense and shame.

Authenticity at its core is transparency and admission of failure. It's the rejection of insincerity and hypocrisy. It's truth-telling about all areas of life, even our soul spaces, where our greatest fears and sorrows reside.

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Brene Brown describes authenticity as, the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Authenticity is a gift not just to ourselves, but to all of our relationships. Here are three ways you can start to cultivate authenticity and let your real self shine through.

Claim Your Belovedness

The more we as Christians own our worth based on God’s incredible love for us, the more we can begin to see ourselves as worthy, not based on performance, certainly not based on perfection, but based on position. Upon Whose we are. God’s beloved children.

Henri J.M. Nouwen describes, Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.

When our worth is based solely on other’s acceptance or approval, it is a roller-coaster waiting for the next dive. It is inconsistent at best, bumpy throughout, and at some point always crashes to a halt.

However, knowing ourselves and our worth as God’s beloved, in whom He delights, is the strongest foundation for each of us to become curious, eager —to explore, to create, to dream, and possibly even to dare.

Resist The Urge To Strive

Striving is a lethal drug for a perfectionist. We remain almost helpless to resist its power, its compulsion to prove, to perform, to achieve. Yet striving will almost certainly destroy us from the inside out. It fills us with fear and empties us of any courage or creativity.

Striving has been one of the fiercest competitors throughout my life, and I would dare say, it has gotten the best of me many times in the past. What makes resisting the urge to strive so difficult is how intensely our culture celebrates it. We revere the pursuit of acquisition, we extol the virtue of accomplishment, and fantasize that rest is waiting for us just across the finish line. Until we cross the finish line, and realize that even here, there is no rest. Just another finish line, another demand, another task to prove our worth.

Martin Luther expressed, I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.

Once our worth is settled, we can rest in believing whether we succeed or fail, whether we are celebrated or not, whether our ranking on amazon.com is at the top or on the bottom, we are enough. Period. Our performance is not attached to our worth.

Be More Emotionally Honest

No, that doesn’t mean to emotionally vomit on anyone and everyone with whom you come into contact. Emotional honesty simply means we become more intentional about accepting ourselves —our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, opinions, and perspectives —and we are not afraid to share appropriately and respectfully with those around us.

Psalm 32:1-2 (NLT) states, Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

Do you share freely your opinions with others, even if they differ? Do you find yourself withholding your thoughts and feelings from the people around you? Is your highest priority not to do or say anything that might make people unhappy with you?

We can find healthy, compassionate ways to let our true selves shine through without being disrespectful or unkind. The more we feel worthy, the easier it is to risk potential ridicule or rejection from others because we don’t need their approval to feel good about ourselves.

Mother Teresa shares, Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.

If you find yourself longing to let go of the façade or craving a place that is real, you can begin today to cultivate authenticity in your life.

Claim Your Belovedness. Your worth is settled.

Resist The Urge To Strive. You are enough.

Be More Emotionally Honest. Let the real you shine through.

Authenticity embraces our healing journey in its totality —the journey toward accepting who we are, toward becoming more courageous, toward embracing who we are not yet, but who we will one day be. The journey is beautiful, it is hopeful.  It is the way of peace.

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Today’s post comes from our “Ask Lisa” feature, where readers submit questions they would like for me to address in an upcoming post. Anonymous writes, We recently caught our oldest son engaging in "stuff" online. Looking for some basic advice and help for our son.If you have a subject you would like me to address in the future, please submit your question here.

We don’t talk about it a lot. It is the silent epidemic that affects both adults and teens. It’s pornography. Many say it is not “if” someone you love will struggle with it, it is “when.” These days, the struggle with porn isn’t just limited to males. Recent studies show a dramatic increase in pornography usage in both women and adolescent girls.

Sad, huh? A 2014 Barna Group survey revealed the following demographic data regarding pornography use by American adults:

• Among males 18-30 years old, 79% viewed pornography once per month and 63% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

• Among males 31-49 years old, 67% viewed pornography once per month and 38% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

• Among females 18-30 years old, 34% viewed pornography once per month and 19% viewed pornography more than once per week.

• Among females 31-49 years old, 16% viewed pornography once per month and 8% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

A recent survey of American young people revealed that 51% of males and 32% of females claimed to have viewed pornography for the first time before they were 13 years old.  Thirteen years old! In a 2012 Australian study of pornography use, men who were frequent pornography users said their first exposure was between the ages of 11 to 13 years old.  A 2009 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 85% of adolescent males and 50% of adolescent females had been exposed to pornographic material. These are our babies, our precious children. This is not just someone else’s issue.

Many say, Boys will be boys. What’s the big deal?—right? Wrong.

Pornography is having a profound affect on our teens. Science shows that exposure to violent pornography is associated with sexually aggressive behaviors in both adolescent and adult males. For young people, one study found that viewing sexually explicit web sites increased the likelihood of having more than one sexual partner. Porn also increased the likelihood of using alcohol and drugs during sexual activity. 

Now we are seeing a direct linkage between teenage sexting —the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages or e-mails using a mobile device— and pornography exposure.  Many female teens who view pornography find themselves in relationships where they are exploited by their partner, feeling coerced to participate in sexual acts that they object to.

Dr. David Berry in TheJournal of Pediatrics noted the research of Bryant D. Zillman, reporting,

Pornography use by teens and young adults often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships.  These distortions include the overestimation of the prevalence of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal, and the belief that sexual abstinence is unhealthy.  These perspectives are likely to make it more difficult for young people to form lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, which ultimately results in more anxiety, depression, and overall life dissatisfaction.

The negative impact isn’t just for today, either. Pornography will have a negative effect on our teens later when they marry, creating unrealistic expectations for spouses and developing a reliance on heightened excitement and adrenaline spikes that normal sexual relationships cannot provide. The fantasy associated with porn causes individuals to lose interest in their spouses, forming a cycle of conflict and distance with their husbands or wives.

Parents need to understand the negative impact widespread use of pornography is having on today’s children so we can help stop this destructive influence and do our best to protect our teens. Here are six things we can do today.

Monitor Mobile Devices

Though I personally don’t believe in teens having their own mobile devices, most teens today do have cell-phones, I-pads, I-pods, etc. Mobile devices are one of the most common ways teens are accessing porn. While many families have web filters installed on their home computers, filters for tablets and phones are much less common.

Instead of using web filters that are only installed on your family computer, try installing filters at the entry-point into your home. There are many options for routers that filter any and all internet devices in your home, as well as other similar options.

Make sure ALL phones, tablets, computers and other electronic devices have parental controls to help eliminate access to inappropriate material and make sure electronic devices are used in public spaces only. Isolation is a breeding ground for inappropriate activity, whether texting with friends or accessing pornography.

Review YouTube Ads and Related Videos

Most kids today spend a lot of time on YouTube. Even though Google, the parent company of YouTube, has announced they will no longer allow pornographic ads on their ad services, their idea of inappropriate often looks a lot different than mine. One of the best options is AdBlock Plus, which not only turns off related videos, but also filters out ads and other questionable content.

Control Streaming Services

If you are one of the millions of families who have signed up for Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, beware. All of the new streaming services make it extremely easy for teens to access material they shouldn't. Parents, take the time to look into each service’s filters and set up the controls you need to keep your family safe.

Evaluate Kids' Friends and Schoolmates

Our teens’ friends can be extremely difficult to monitor and control. What do you do when one of your child's schoolmates exposes your son or daughter to pornography? It’s hard to filter out a friend. You can't keep your child locked away forever in order to keep them away from problem kids. 

The best prevention is to consistently instill in your children healthy Biblical principles of living a life honoring to God, having a strong enough sense of self to do the right thing even when no one else is looking, developing clear boundaries, and knowing what being a good friend looks like, even to those who are making poor choices.

Watch Out for Video games

Video games may seem harmless on the surface, but many have dangerous or inappropriate content inside. Regardless of the genre, it's important to be careful which games we allow in our homes. Parents must be proactive in determining which games you let your children play.

The ESRB rating system —"E for Everyone," "T for Teen," etc.— can be helpful, but even then parents need to use the ratings wisely. Sit down and play the games with your kids. Watch them play. Be certain their games comply with your family standards.

Oversee Apps like SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, and more

Apps are everywhere and our kids are finding new, more secretive ways of connecting than parents can keep up with. Don’t just assume that an app is safe or appropriate —investigate all of them. Have an ongoing conversation with your teens about what apps they use on their phones or tablets. Parents should have a no secret password policy where family members either forego the use of passwords on their devices or share their passwords with you, the parent.

As always, diligence is key. Parents need to take an inventory periodically of which apps your kids have downloaded, what they seem to spend most time on, and what the purpose or content of the app entails. If necessary, use a service like Screen Time Parental Controls which allows you to set time limits, block calls from strangers, and more.

What To Do If You Discover Your Teen Has Developed an Addiction to Porn

Sometimes we as parents find out about our child’s pornography usage and/or addiction after the fact. Please do not overlook the situation or think that because you have had the talk, everything is probably fine. It’s usually not.

Get your teen help. Find a good, Christian counselor that can work with them to understand and process through the distorted images they have seen, help them grow a strong sense of self built on strong core beliefs and values, assist them in developing healthy emotional regulation and impulse control, as well as identify the qualities of normal, healthy adult relationships.

Help your teen when they can’t help themselves. There are accountability programs like Covenant Eyes that will notify you and/or other accountability partners to help your teen stay safe. They can also benefit from support provided by SA groups for teens and other therapy groups.

At the end of the day, there's no perfect way to protect our children from the growing pornographic content they are bombarded with on a daily basis. What parents can do is be aware, be vigilant, be consistent, and be present.

Give your children and teens plenty of extra-curricular activities to help keep them invested in positive outlets. Instill in them the need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Model for them an active, dynamic faith. Give them the gift of love. Most of all, give them the gift of prayer.

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

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Blog

Apr 23, 2019

Two Lessons About The Wisdom and Wonder of Parenting - guest post by Chip Mattis

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Mar 19, 2019

Mar 19, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

Ask Lisa—What Do I do With A Daughter Who Is Out Of Control?

Jan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019

May 29, 2018

Four Ways Parents Can Minimize Stress While Maximizing Kids' Wellbeing

May 29, 2018

May 29, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

Feb 6, 2018

Feb 6, 2018

Jun 27, 2017

How To Know When It’s Time For Your Millennial To Move Out

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Jun 6, 2017

Jun 6, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Four Life-Changing Reasons Children Need To Hear The Word “No”

Apr 25, 2017

Apr 25, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

Mar 21, 2017

Mar 21, 2017

May 31, 2016

Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

May 31, 2016

May 31, 2016

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891