7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

Welcome, friend! Today’s post is a little longer than normal, but that is because it is such an important subject. I have received more questions about narcissism than any other topic! I wanted to make sure I did my best to deal with this subject adequately. Please be prayerful for those in toxic relationships today. Pray that God would use this information to bring knowledge, understanding, healing, and freedom!

Savannah and Jack had a whirlwind courtship.  He was everything she had ever hoped for, the man of her dreams —until he wasn’t.

The day they got home from their ‘honeymoon in paradise,’ paradise was lost.  His temper began to rage. It seemed she couldn’t do anything right. All she wanted to was to make him happy and build their future together.

Savannah found herself at the brutal end of Jack’s criticisms.  No matter what the argument, she somehow was to blame for their problems. She was constantly accused of being too emotional, too hormonal, too needy, too everything.  If she didn’t agree with his perspective, Jack would either attack or shut down completely, refusing to speak to her for days.

She began to wonder if Jack was right?  Questioning herself often, she shared in session that she no longer feels confident in herself or trusts her perspective on things.

Maybe our issues really are my fault? Maybe I am being selfish?, she pondered.

When they shared in session about their marital problems, Jack immediately began to speak.  And speak.  And speak.  It seemed he had a lot to say.  Attempting to control the conversation with a mixture of charm and concern, he expressed his interest in getting help for his wife.  From his perspective, he was fine.  He just wanted her to return to the kind, caring wife he had married.  

If she can’t, he declared, I won’t have a choice but to leave.

If you’ve ever been in relationship with a narcissist, the interactions described may feel familiar. The patterns can be destructive, but the decision to stay or leave is an individual one.  

Psychology Todaydescribes the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Individuals with NPD are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding, convinced they are deserving of special treatment. 

According to psychologist Joseph Burgo, Narcissism exists in many shades and degrees of severity along a continuum.

While most of us are guiltyof selfish behaviors at one time or another, a true narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (and unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.

Here are 7 signs that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

1. Narcissists hoard conversations. 

Not only does a narcissist love to talk about themselves, they rarely give you a chance to share your perspective on anything. Your perspective is irrelevant to their personal experience, therefore it is unnecessary and unworthy of their time or attention. When you find your spouse always correcting, interrupting, belittling, or shaming your thoughts and feelings, there is a good chance you are in a narcissistic relationship.

Your voice should be heard.  Needs to be heard. Your perspective matters as long as it is shared respectfully and kindly.  Never allow someone to silence your voice. Shut you down.  Intimidate you. CLICK TO TWEET Healthy relationships involve two people who share mutually, who not only listen, but respect, consider, and value the perspective of their partner.  Two are better than one.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (NIV) shares, Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

2. Narcissists are charmers.

There is a reason people fall in love with narcissists.  They sweep you off your feet.  They profess their undying love. They make you feel like you are the center of their universe. Until you’re not.

When they’re interested in you, they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you, or have gotten what they want from you, they may drop you without a second thought. Engaging and sociable, they will give you their undivided attention as long as you’re fulfilling what they desire.

When they say that they love you, what they mean is I love how you love me. When you love them well, then you are wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. When you fail to love them well (as you always will), then you have a price to pay. A person with NPD finds it impossible to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathy) and has little compassion for anyone other than themselves. A narcissist gets into a relationship to be adored, admired & loved. Not to love or sacrifice for someone else. _Leslie Vernick CLICK TO TWEET

3. Narcissists have grandiose personalities.

Thinking of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or a ‘one of a kind’ special person, many narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.   They need their accomplishments to define them.  

Driven by a need to impress, they focus on attributes or achievements that will make themselves look good externally. Oftentimes the narcissist will use people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to present a false self, because the real self is judged to be inferior and weak. Exaggerating, inflating, even inventing their accomplishments allows them to believe they are more special, more intelligent, better than anyone else. Therefore, their accomplishments are everything.  

Healthy individuals have a mixture of wins and losses, successes and defeats.  Their identity is not defined by what they have done, it is defined by who they are at the core —their beliefs and values, their character, their faith.  They do not perceive themselves as superior to others, rather they understand their inherent brokenness, their humanity.

4. Narcissists are entitled. 

They are special. Period. Rules that apply to everyone else simply don’t apply to narcissists, or so they believe.  Often expecting preferential treatment from others, they come to believe the world really revolves around them. They expect others to cater to their needs, without acknowledging anyone else’s needs in return. 

Narcissists have an empathy deficit disorder —they are not capable of empathy as we know it, psychiatrist and author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide,” Dr. Judith Orloff describes. Full-blown narcissists don’t care about other people’s feelings.  They seem to be wired differently. 

Healthy relationships are places where two people share their perspectives. They know where they end and the other begins. Respecting each other’s boundaries, they never coerce or demand anything from each other.  Love is given both respectfully and freely.

Even if your partner doesn’t see you or consider you, God sees you.  He hears you. He knows your deepest needs.  Look to Him to find your healing, your hope. Never allow yourself to be disrespected or abused.  Never.

5. Narcissists are boundary-violaters.      

Because they feel entitled, your personal boundaries become obstacles to whatever they want or need.  They have no ability to live with another person’s ‘no,’ therefore they simply disregard other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and/or physical space. They use others without consideration or sensitivity, borrowing items or money without returning or paying back, breaking promises repeatedly without remorse. 

More times than not, a narcissist will actually turn the tables and blame you for their poor choices. In their crazy-making cycle, they keep you perpetually off-balance by violating your boundaries of respect or responsibility, then gas-lighting you to make you out to be the crazy one. 

Healthy relationships allow two individuals to speak and hold their respective boundaries.  Their yes’ and no’s are honored, and each knows clearly where they end and the other begins.  Instead of demanding the relationship meet all of their emotional or physical needs, both look to God and themselves to meet most of their primary needs.  

The relationship is then safe. Safe to laugh, to live, to dream together.  To love. The relationship is also a place of mutual respect.

Matthew 5:37 (NIV) teaches us, All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

6. Narcissists have anger issues. 

Anger tends to be a primary defense mechanism for people with NPD.  Any boundary, any ‘no’ will be received with hostility or potential rage as they perceive any obstacle to their agenda. Many narcissists even enjoy sparking negative emotions to gain attention, to feel powerful, as well as to keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or lack of attention. 

Throwing a tantrum if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations, they are at the same time extremely sensitive to criticism.  They will typically respond to correction or criticism with a defensive response, leading to either a heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). At the same time narcissists are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame others, some even becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

Healthy relationships are safe for two people to live, love, and journey together. Just because someone blames you for their problems doesn’t make you responsible for their problems.  Just because someone calls you crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. Don’t forget this. There is no excuse for anger, defensiveness, rage, blame, name-calling, or crazy-making. If you are unsafe physically or emotionally, get out.  Now. CLICK TO TWEET

James 1:19-20(NIV) adds, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

7. Narcissists are manipulators.

It is part of their DNA.  Because anyone else’s ‘no’ is unacceptable to them, they will use manipulation to get their own needs met.  They will use you, make decisions for you, they will guilt you, hijacking your emotions in order to get what they want. 

Narcissists are masters of control and/or manipulation. In an instant, they can have you feeling upside down, disoriented, confused, and to blame for everything that is happening (or not happening) in their life.  Often playing the victim or the martyr, they will put you in the position of perpetrator or bad guy in order to get their needs met.

Healthy adults come to accept that many of their needs will never be met. They accept other people’s boundaries, they respect others boundaries.  Instead of using manipulation to get around an obstacle, they look elsewhere to get their need met legitimately, or they learn to live respectfully in the presence of an unmet desire.

1 Thessalonians 4:6 (NIV) adds, No one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.

Are You In a Relationship With a Narcissist?

If more than a few of the above symptoms is active in your relationship, it is quite possible you are in a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissism can be improved through long-term therapy, if someone steps out of denial and is truly willing to change, to heal, to grow on their individual healing journey. 

Transformation is a long, slow process because the nature of narcissism itself prevents honest self-reflection, sincere ownership of responsibility, and healing from past trauma.  It is also difficult because their defense mechanisms prove so reliable to navigate their lives and relationships, they can resist developing other coping strategies to effectively move through life.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please reach out for help.  You need the support from therapy and programs like Celebrate Recovery, CODA, etc., in order to recognize how you were drawn into this type of relationship in the first place as well as learn how to strengthen your sense of self, to communicate more effectively, and to draw consistent, firm boundaries.

At the same time, support groups and therapy provide a safe place to regain your sanity, to learn how to step outside the crazy-making cycle, and remain grounded in the midst of the storm.  Most importantly, you need to understand when your loved one’s behavior crosses the line in any way, and what you need to do to protect yourself from harm verbally, emotionally, or physically. No abuse is ever acceptable.  Not even a little.

Please know God’s presence is with you right now. He has never left.  He wants to bring you safety, healing, and hope. Reach towards Him right now. Reach out for help.  Take the next step.  

Your healing is now!          

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

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Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

I have missed being with you guys!  This past month I’ve taken time away with my husband to travel, to rest, to pray, to play, and to dream.  As good and as needful as my time away was, I am so excited to be back and have the opportunity to share with you.  I continue to pray over each of you on your journey.

As always, I ask for your prayers that God would give His leadership, His vision, and His words that will equip and empower each of us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.  If you have any questions you would like answered, or topics you would love to see covered, please reach out– I’d love to hear from you!

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Vacation.

I just returned from a lovely time away with my husband for some much-needed rest.  Everyone has a different idea of vacation. Some like the beach. Others delight in adventure. I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to travel.  I love old things —old cobblestone streets, historic architecture. Gothic arches make me happy. Show me a quatrefoil and I become downright giddy.  Great food, great experiences fill my heart to the brim and refresh a sometimes parched and tired spirit. 

While we were away, I could feel my heart rate slow.  I could sense my body relaxing.  I slept more than usual and had more than my share of pastries and coffee.

What I discovered was that the longer I went without emails, phone calls, work, etc., the dust began to settle in my heart and mind, and I could once again enjoy the presence of each moment.  No need to worry about the next moment.  I discovered connection and play with my husband that was both deep and refreshing. I sat in awe as I gazed upon God’s handiwork all around me.  

I am more convinced than ever how important vacation is to everyone’s overall wellbeing.  We all run at frantic paces, we all exist on an information overload.  We all suffer from rest depravation, and we wonder why our hearts ache with restlessness and overwhelm. 

Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength… It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less. _Charles Spurgeon

Whether it is 10 miles down the road or 10 hours around the globe, it doesn’t matter!  Here are 8 reasons why vacation is vital for your overall wellbeing.

1.   Vacation reduces stress. 

A study released by the American Psychological Association concluded that vacations work to reduce stress by removing people from the activities and environments that they associate with stress and anxiety. The effects last beyond the duration of the vacation, too: one study found that after taking time off from work, vacationers had fewer stress-related physical complaints such as headaches, backaches, and heart irregularities, and they still felt better five weeks later.

We were wired to exhale, yet exhales are at times too few and too far apart. Our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies need to fast doing and allow ourselves to be.  The benefits are self-evident. CLICK TO TWEET

Psalm 127:2 (NIV) shares, In vain you rise earlyand stay up late,toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep tothose he loves.

2. Vacation helps prevent heart disease. 

A host of studies have highlighted the cardiovascular health benefits of taking a vacation. In one, men at risk for heart disease who skipped vacations for five consecutive years were 30 percent more likely to suffer heart attacks than those who took at least a week off each year. Even missing one year's vacation was associated with a higher risk of heart disease. Studies find similar results with women: Women who took a vacation once every six years or less were almost eight times more likely to develop heart disease, have a heart attack, or die of a coronary-related cause than those who took at least two vacations a year. 

We might not be able to take expensive or extensive vacations per year, but we can be intentional with finding small ways to step away from our lives and rest.  Perhaps finding a favorite place to hike, or an overnight visit to a nearby state park. Getting lost in a museum, or in a favorite book —all of these things bring rest.

Mark 2:21 (NIV) offers, Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

3. Vacation improves focus and/or productivity.

In our perpetual rush to be productive, we often undermine our very ability to consistently perform at peak levels.  Professional services firm Ernst & Young conducted an internal study of its employees and found that for each additional 10 hours of vacation time employees took, their year-end performance ratings improved 8 percent. What's more, frequent vacationers were significantly less likely to leave the firm.

When we are rested, we are more productive, we're happier, and when we're happier, we tend to excel at what we do. 

Mark 6:32 (NIV) adds, So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.

Genesis 2:2-3 (NIV) declares, By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

4. Vacation brings better sleep.

Restless nights and sleep disturbances are common complaints--often stemming from the fact that we simply have too much on our minds. When we can't stop the internal chatter it affects our sleep, and a lack of sleep leads to less focus, less alertness, impaired memory, an increased likelihood of accidents and a decreased quality of life. Researchers say that vacations can help interrupt the habits that disrupt sleep, like working late into the night or watching a backlit screen before bed. 

If you have stress from work and you find your sleep is disrupted because of anxiety or tension, take time off and learn to reset your sleep pattern.

Psalm 4:8 (NIV) teaches, In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

5. Vacation improves mental health.

Neuroscientists have found that brain structure is altered by chronic exposure to the stress hormone cortisol, which can be a major contributing factor to anxiety and depression. Feelings of calm arise from time away from work and relieve stress, which allows the body and mind to heal in ways that it couldn't if it were still under pressure.

Step away. Learn to release. Let go.  Though it may not come easily, these are skills that we can bring from vacation into the rest of our lives.  It will bring the balance and equilibrium you desire.

Mark 6:31b (NIV) encourages us, He said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

6. Vacation leads to greater well-being.

 According to a Gallup study, people who make time for regular trips had a 68.4 score on the Gallup-Heathway's Well-Being Index, in comparison to a 51.4 Well-Being score for less frequent travelers. One study found that three days after vacation, subjects' physical complaints, quality of sleep, and mood had improved as compared to before vacation. These gains were still present five weeks later, especially in those who had more personal time and overall satisfaction during their vacation. 

Psalm 127:2 tells us, It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.

7.  Vacation nurtures marriages.

Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires. 

Take a road trip, get lost together.  Try something brand new. No need for a huge budget.  Just laugh.  Love. Dream. Travel takes us away from everything that threatens to pull us apart and helps us find our way back to each other. Rest is where we can listen to our heartbeat, where we can dream again, risk again, perhaps even love again. CLICK TO TWEET

Song of Solomon 2:10 (ESV) shares, My beloved speaks and says to me, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” CLICK TO TWEET

8. Improved familial relationships.

The benefits of vacations extend to family relationships. An international group of researchers led by Purdue University concluded that family vacations contribute positively to family bonding, communication and solidarity. Vacations promote what is called the ‘crescive bond’or shared experience by fostering deep and enduring connections. Shared family memories and time spent together isolated from ordinary everyday activities help to promote these positive ties. 

Exodus 20:9-10 (NIV) shares, Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.

Vacation doesn’t need to be expensive or elaborate. Please hear me when I say that it doesn’t have to be a bucket-list destination in order to be beneficial.  It just needs to involve disconnecting in both small ways and sometimes bigger ways from the pressures, the stresses, and demands that our normal schedules bring.  It means focusing on quiet, on rest, on connection —whether it is connection with God, connection with ourselves, or connection with our loved ones.

What is your favorite way to unplug and get away from the pressures of life?

 What is your favorite vacation memory from your family?

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Are Your Expectations Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage

I didn’t get married until my thirties.  I was the girl who got lost in fairytales as a child and grew up with an emblazoned picture in my mind of what my marriage would look like.  I imagined a slightly demure pursuit like the one between Edward Ferrars and Elinor Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility, mixed with a little bit of the passion and drama of Wuthering Heights.  In the end I hoped we would get along like Ma and Pa Wilder from Little House on the Prairie, walking off into the sunset at the end of our lives.

I know —not exactly a realistic picture of marriage.  In many ways I had entirely unreasonable expectations for my poor husband to live up to. An expectation is, a strong belief that something will happen; the feeling, anticipation, or expectation in the prospects for the future. 

I believe all of us, if we’re honest, come to the table with expectations of what our marriage will be, what it will notbe (usually based on our childhood), along with hopes for what our spouse will heal, fix, fill, or complete in us.

We believe:

• It will be easy to transition from single to married.

• I’ll never be lonely again.

• I won’t be bored anymore.

• We’ll never argue.

• He’ll change after we’re married, in the ways I want him to.

• He’ll know how I feel and what I want; I shouldn’t need to tell him.

• He’ll do chores the way I want them done.

• Sex will always be great.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, says, We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession. Instead,he says, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together.

If you are waiting on someone else to make your life meaningful and happy, you will almost certainly be gravely disappointed, says Todd Clements and Kim Beair, authors of First Comes Love, Then What? When you learn how to be truly happy alone, you’ll begin to be the most successful in every relationship.

Every marriage is made up of broken individuals living in a broken world. Yet if we allow Him, God will use our marriage as the canvas to heal us, teach us, and transform us as individuals.

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The truth is:

• Getting married is a big Change. It takes time to adjust to your new roles and to each other.

• One person cannot satisfy all your needs for companionship. Maintain friendships with others.

• You are responsible for keeping yourself entertained and interesting. It’s not your partner's job.

• Conflicts occur in close relationships. You can learn to manage them well.

• “What you see is what you get.” Don’t expect your spouse to change basic character traits or habits.

• They can’t read your mind. If you want your partner to know something, you should to tell them.

• It’s better to give and receive graciously than to get all even-Steven about what’s “fair.”

• Your spouse's standards and ways are likely to be different from yours. This is okay. Accepting our differences is a part of building a healthy, cooperative partnership.

• Sex should often be great but not every single time. Good communication helps here too.

If you identified with any of the beliefs at the beginning of this article, you most likely hold some unrealistic expectations for your marriage.  You’re not alone —such beliefs are widespread. In my clinical practice I see the damage unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can create in marriages, yet I also see the powerful transformation that occurs when spouses learn to free each other, accept each other, and actually enjoy their differences. 

Psalm 62:5 (NKJV) tells us, My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.

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If you struggle with knowing how to create healthy expectations, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheetas well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other. They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Here are four things you can do to develop healthy expectations for your marriage that will bring you the connection and intimacy God has designed for you.

1. Acknowledge that you have expectations.

            Individuals who either refuse to abandon their laundry list of unmet expectations or who have never allowed themselves to hold any in their relationships find themselves disconnected from a key stabilizing force that, if used properly, can yield tremendous joy and intimacy.  

            We cannot change what we cannot acknowledge.  Whether realistic or unrealistic, we each carry expectations for the marriage and for our spouse. In reality, not all expectations are bad or unhealthy, yet acknowledging their power can determine the stability, contentment, and satisfaction in our marriages.

2.  Discover and clarify what your expectations are.

            Do a personal inventory. What do you personally expect in the various areas of your marriage? Do you have expectations for roles and responsibilities; expectations for respect? What about how you will communicate or resolve conflict? What are your expectations surrounding work, parenting, sex, faith, or finances?

            Since each of us comes from different backgrounds and home environments, we cannot assume that we are automatically going to be on the same page as our spouse, even though we love them deeply.  To discover and clarify your personal expectations will help you take the next step and…

3.  Share your expectations with your spouse.

            I encourage you to get the Marriage Expectation Worksheet to help you and your partner work through each step in discovering, then sharing your expectations for each other, as well as your expectations for yourselves. Many individuals like defining what they want their spouse to do for them, but some are reluctant to look within themselves and hold themselves accountable in their relationship.  

            Share your heart for the other with the other.  Don’t expect them to be a mind-reader, tell them what you desire from them. Be kind. Listen to each other. Determine if what your mate is asking is realistic or unrealistic.  This will help you…

4.  Create mutual, realistic expectations together.

            When expectations get cut to the floor, it creates space for us to pick them up and rebuild them with greater determination. Discovering new, more realistic expectations can reenergize your marriage and reignite intimacy.

            Pray together.  If one thing doesn’t work for you and your spouse, have another conversation and try something else. If both parties are working towards a solution, and putting in the effort, expectations meeting reality is not a hard goal to achieve.

Marriage is a beautiful, complex gift from God. Yes, there are hard times. There will always be growing pains, tension, and irritation, but God knows that it takes growing pains to grow.

Don’t run from the pain, don’t avoid the discomfort.  God wants to build and create something in your marriage that will be a shining light in a world of darkness, something that will breathe healing and hope into the lives around you —something that will make His name famous. 

And isn’t that what marriage is all about anyway?

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Relationship Is Healthy Or Toxic

Girlfriends can be the best back-seat drivers for each other’s relationship issues. We can effortlessly diagnose any situation and tell our friend exactly what she should do, why she should do it, and when. Yet, the bravest and boldest of us can be rendered completely helpless, confused, and/or paralyzed when it comes to evaluating the health of our own relationships (or lack thereof).

Not able to see the forest for the trees, we find ourselves second-guessing our instincts, questioning our sanity, and compromising our self-respect because we long to make our relationships work.

While each relationship has a different dynamic, style, and personality based on the two individuals, there are some basic qualities in relationships that must exist for the relationship to be healthy, for it to be a haven where two people can thrive.

I’ve put together a list of qualities to help us begin to identify healthy qualities versus toxic qualities so that you can begin to assess the health of your relationships.

Here are ten qualities that can help you tell if your relationship is healthy:

Safety

Healthy relationships are safe places where two people with two different personalities, backgrounds, can come together and enjoy their differences. We all need to feel safe – physically safe and emotionally safe. Safe to share our thoughts and feelings. Safe to share our fears and wounds. Safe to share our hopes and dreams for the future.

Safe people accept us, they support us, they listen to our thoughts and feelings, they encourage us on our journey. They don’t listen to correct, criticize, or condemn. They never belittle, call us crazy, or make us feel less-than. There is no manipulation or intimidation. Relationships with bullies are never safe relationships.

Trust

Trust is the single greatest factor in determining relationship success or failure. Trust, according to Merriam Webster Online Dictionary is, firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Trust allows us to listen and accept each other’s words and actions based on a consistent pattern of faithfulness, reliability, and respect. Trust allows us to be vulnerable with our spouses as well as to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Are you able to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt? If not, why? Do you have faith in their words and/or actions? Is your partner trustworthy?

If you answered no to any of these, there is some level of toxicity in your relationship. Seek out professional help to work through these areas and resolve them so that you can grow in your trust for your mate.

Good Communication

Good relationships usually have good communication. Bad relationships almost always have terrible communication. You and your partner should be able to share your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs, both openly and effectively. Neither of you should feel timid about asserting yourselves in calm, respectful, appropriate ways.

As much as it involves speaking, healthy communication also involves listening. Active listening always means that you are curious to know, to hear, to understand what your partner is saying, what their viewpoint is, whether you agree with them or not. Listening well doesn’t always mean agreeing. We can have vibrant relationships and learn to enjoy each other while respecting our differences.

Communication in toxic relationships tends to escalate quickly and easily. There is no room for differences. Messages can be caustic, unkind, disrespectful, and blaming. Admiration, kindness, and gratitude are rarely spoken, but messages of criticism, contempt, and ridicule are rampant. Issues are rarely resolved in this kind of toxic environment.

Psalm 19:14 (NIV)May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Proverbs 17:27 (NIV) A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.

Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

Mutuality

Mutuality means that two people are mutually invested in the relationship. In healthy relationships, there is a certain level of commitment to each other and to the relationship as well as an equitable balance of giving and receiving.

Tina Tessa, PhD., LMFT, states,

Mutual love, however, means you can feel secure that you both love and are loved equally, and are approximately equal in your energy for staying together. 

If either you or your partner is always ready to check out for a better opportunity, someone is probably not prioritizing the relationship. If the relationship road always seems to run one way leaving you to draw the short end of the stick, the other person is potentially not as emotionally invested as you, which may be a signal that the relationship is toxic.

Respect

Love without respect can be dangerous. It means that one person must abandon themselves to the wants/needs of the other. It is consuming, depleting, and toxic to the individual as well as to the relationship.

Respect allows both people in the relationship to see the other as a separate entity —with a unique identity, thoughts/feelings, beliefs and values, wants and needs. If a relationship is respectful, we are able to see the other person as a person, not an extension of ourselves, nor a possession or a reflection of us in any way. Healthy relationships are fertile environments where thoughtfulness, kindness, and consideration for our spouse abounds.

Healthy people listen to their spouse’s needs, desires, and concerns. They offer empathy to their partner instead of trying to fix their partner or change them. Learning to speak words of acknowledgment, appreciation, and gratitude not only for what your partner does, but for who your partner is, shows the ultimate respect for them and for the relationship.

Matthew 7:12 (ESV)

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Romans 12:10 (ESV)

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Philippians 2:3 (ESV)

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Shared Power

While a relationship doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50 in order to be healthy, it should have a balanced power differential. Trying to control or dominate your spouse through subtle or not-so-subtle maneuvers reveals a toxic dynamic that can destroy a relationship.

Instead of focusing your energy on seeking power over to having power with will build strength, safety, and trust.  Interestingly, research shows that shared decision making between partners actually leads to better decisions.

Relationships should be safe places where both parties can be heard, considered, where decisions are shared. Scripture describes mutual submission, sacrificial love, not dictatorial commands.

Why else would husbands be commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church? (Ephesians 5:25, NIV) The best relationships are ones where there are two excited yeses to whatever decisions need to be made. Period.

Openness, honesty, and accountability

Are there secrets in your relationship? Hidden areas, accounts, technology, or places where you or your spouse have no access? If so, you are in the danger zone.

My Momma used to tell me, People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If you or your partner is withholding information, if they are secretive, vague, or deceptive in their communication to you, there is usually a reason. And it is usually not good.

Openness, honesty, and accountability create a solid foundation for a couple to build safety, respect, and trust with each other so they can work through life’s challenges successfully. If you or your partner have a hard time admitting mistakes, can never own responsibility for words and actions, or have a hard time apologizing, your relationship is likely toxic.

Colossians 3:9 (ESV)

Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices.

Proverbs 11:3 (ESV)

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.

Individuality

Healthy relationships have room for both partners to grow and flourish as individuals. Shared interests and common recreational activities are necessary for a relationship to grow, yet, if there is only room for the relationship, both partners will wither and the relationship will suffocate.

One article in Psychology Today tells couples, Feeling and demonstrating interest in each other's growth and development as individuals builds greater connection and sustained energy -- emotionally, relationally, sexually, and spiritually.  All are intertwined.

Explore individual hobbies and interests. Allow your partner to engage in their own interests as well. Avoid getting lost in the relationship or cultivating a dependence on the relationship to fill needs that God and/or you were meant to fill. Our relationships are a beautiful part of our lives. They simply cannot be all of our lives.

Cooperation

In an age of ‘me-first’ attitudes, cooperation can be a rare commodity in relationships. One of the most beautiful pictures to me of marriage is the metaphor Scripture uses of being yoked. With a yoke, two partners are joined together side-by-side. One is not ahead, the other not behind. In order to move forward effectively, they must work things out and cooperate if they are going to pull together.

Cooperation is a natural extension of mutuality. Each partner wants the best for the other. Each works to find healthy compromises, and better still, to collaborate together on win-win solutions to the challenges they face. If you or your spouse has a demanding, entitled attitude, if tempers explode any time someone doesn’t get their way, if either wants the other to lose in order to win, the relationship is likely toxic.

Proverbs 14:29  (NIV)

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 (NIV)The end of a matter is better than its beginning,and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Fun

Relationships need fun in order to flourish. While there will always be responsibilities and needs to attend to, healthy couples find time to play together, to laugh together.

It’s not easy. The stresses of life and irritations within the relationship can always leave us sidelined, if we allow them. Still, we can be intentional with date nights, with walks together, with getaway weekends. When one person always finds an excuse to avoid alone time and rarely makes time for their partner, to relax and unwind, it will lead to distance and disconnection.

The truth is, there is no perfect relationship. Most likely, there are areas that are strengths in your relationship and areas of weakness or growth. Yet, if you identify multiple areas that are toxic, I highly recommend you seek out a professional Christian therapist that can help you and your spouse work through these areas.

Even if your mate is not willing to see a therapist, go by yourself anyway. Any steps of health are ultimately steps toward health. You will gain support, encouragement, tools, direction, and strength for your journey.

Our relationships are the canvas for each of us to learn and grow. Don’t ignore the warning signs. We can make choices for health that will bless our relationships and make them the best they can be.

---

Blog

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Sep 3, 2019

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Jul 23, 2019

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Jul 23, 2019

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Finding God's Healing Through The Pain of Divorce

Jul 16, 2019

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Jul 9, 2019

7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

Jul 9, 2019

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Jul 2, 2019

8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

Jul 2, 2019

Jul 2, 2019

Apr 30, 2019

ASK LISA - How Do I Navigate Sex and Dating?

Apr 30, 2019

Apr 30, 2019

Feb 26, 2019

Relationship Advice When You Are Offended - guest post by Melanie Redd

Feb 26, 2019

Feb 26, 2019

Feb 19, 2019

Ask Lisa—How Do I Trust That My Husband Has Truly Changed?

Feb 19, 2019

Feb 19, 2019

Feb 12, 2019

Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Feb 12, 2019

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Feb 5, 2019

Are Your Expectations Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Eight Qualities of People with Emotional Abundance

Ever wonder why some people seem to excel at whatever they do while others can never seem to get a break? It seems some people always have a knack of fitting-in, knowing just the right thing to say, getting every promotion and accolade as their careers skyrocket. Yet for others life feels more like a continuous rollercoaster of dysfunction and chaos, with roadblocks at every turn.

Why do so many of us feel like our lives have landed somewhere between a dead-end and a disaster? Why does success in life seem to come easily for some, while for others  always feels decidedly out of reach?

The reason is based in our intelligence, but not our intellectual intelligence, or IQ. That’s what Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., well-known writer and researcher on leadership who wrote the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, says. Goleman has dedicated his work to finding out what makes people successful.

His research has concluded that success in life comes down to their emotional intelligence or what I call ‘Emotional Abundance.’ That’s what drives a person to excel. In fact, 80% of a person’s success in life is determined by their emotional skills while 20% is determined by their intellect.

As Goleman describes, If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

So if Emotional Abundance is so important, exactly what is it? As I define in my new book, Peace For A Lifetime, Emotional Abundance is:

The ability to feel our emotions, to reason through our emotions, to understand our emotions, and to effectively manage our emotions so we can appropriately respond to the people and circumstances around us. EA is the capacity to meet the demands of everyday life and create meaning in order to move forward in a positive direction.

I’ve found eight qualities in Emotionally-Abundant people that are essential not just for our careers, but for being able to successfully navigate through life and relationships.

They’re more self-aware.

Individuals with Emotional Abundance are able to accurately self-reflect. They know their personality, their core strengths and weaknesses, as well as environments that will bring out the best in them. They don’t allow their weaknesses to hold them back. Rather than beating themselves up for what they don’t know or struggle to do well, they focus on creating strategies to improve skill sets so they can achieve their goals.

They live with balance.

Because they have a high level of self-awareness, they instinctively know how to cultivate and maintain balance in their lives. Whether at work or in their personal lives, they understand how to take care of themselves well in order to be the best they can be in every area of life. They eat well, get plenty of rest, and foster interests outside of work to establish and enjoy a greater sense of wellbeing.

They’re not perfectionists.

While Emotionally-Abundant individuals are highly motivated and accomplished, they recognize that perfection is impossible. Instead of creating an impossible cycle of unrealistic expectations followed by frustration and shame, they focus their energies on doing their best, maintaining flexibility, and learning from their mistakes.

They’re curious about life.

They’ve learned to cultivate an appreciation for varied and unique experiences. They are curious and passionate, knowing how to explore and learn new concepts and skills. Their curiosity makes them equally open to asking questions as well as to adapting to new solutions. Curious people are delightful people who haven’t lost their innate sense of wonder in a complex world of responsibilities.

They’re empathetic with others.

An essential quality of EA, individuals are well-skilled in their ability to relate to others. They can listen, understand, and be empathetic with others thoughts, feelings, and experiences, which allows them to reduce miscommunication and conflict both in the workplace and in personal relationships.

They’re growth-oriented.

They aren’t afraid of change. Because they are open to learning new things, they embrace growth as a necessary and important part of life. They are eager to accept challenges and usually adapt well even under difficult circumstances. In seeing the bigger picture, they can mobilize internal strategies to adjust and energize around new problems and circumstances.

They’re grateful.

Living with gratitude has an enormous impact on our level of Emotional Abundance. People who have a grateful disposition look for things big and small for which they can be thankful. They are generally satisfied with life and rarely allow negative feedback or people to influence their lives or their decisions.

They bring out the best in others.

Because they are at peace with themselves, people with EA are able to see coworkers and friends not as threats, but as assets. They do not feel the need to be defensive with others, but instead create a safe environment in which others can thrive. They love to see others reach their potential and are motivated by cooperation rather than competition.

How many of these qualities are you able to identify? Do some seem to come naturally while others seem overwhelming?

The best news about Emotional Abundance is that it can be cultivated and nurtured throughout our lives. Where we are today does not have to determine our future.

The more we grow Emotional Abundance in our lives, the more stable, positive, and productive our lives become, and the less chaotic, reactive, and hopeless our relationships feel. This is the single greatest area we could invest in for ourselves, our children, and our futures so that we can achieve our best life.

If you haven't joined our community on Facebook, I would LOVE to have you be a part of our little online family!

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Six Myths About Being a Good Mom

And the truths that can empower our parenting 

The pressure is real. The ads say it, social media screams it. Moms have to be perfect. We need to have it all figured out — how to be playful and fun, structured and planned, how to know what every cough, sneeze, cry, or whimper means.

Ideally, we’d be a little Dr. Phil, a whole lot Martha Stewart. We’d be as smart as Megyn Kelly, cook like Rachel Ray and have Ellen’s sense of humor. Everywhere moms today struggle against the many pressures that gnaw at us, that control us, that tell us we are not enough and that we better try harder, stay up longer, and make it happen.

Psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the American Psychological Association noted in an article for Today Parenting, “Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short.” Somewhere along the way we have created an ideal and largely unrealistic vision of what motherhood entails, good motherhood that is. We’ve created a myth. We’ve believed a lie. And the lies are controlling us, exhausting us, and destroying us.

Here are a few myths about being a mom we need to recognize and the truths we need to set us free to begin celebrating our role as a mom and enjoying our children in these precious years.

Myth #1. We must do everything for our kids if we are going to be a good mom.

We race around deliriously believing that the sign of our exhaustion is proof of how we measure up as a mom. We will carry ourselves to Target at 10pm, bake cookies into the wee hours of the night, never miss a practice, a rehearsal, or skate party, as if our lives depended on it. We feel guilty if every minute of our day isn’t completely devoted in thought or action to our beloved little ones.

The truth is our kids don’t need us to do everything for them. In fact, they actually benefit from learning to do more for themselves. Good moms recognize their sense of self-worth must come from something other than their identity as a mom. They are able to care for themselves well. They are at peace with the fact they can’t do everything and simply focus on enjoying the activities and tasks they can do.

Myth #2. If we can be the perfect parent, we can raise perfect children.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and there is no such thing as perfect children. The truth is no matter how hard you try, you are going to impact your children in ways you don’t necessarily want or intend. Though this has never been any different, modern motherhood has made the pursuit of perfection or near perfection a consuming goal.

The thinking is if we are perfect for our children, we can guarantee their future, and at the same time counteract the wounds from our childhood. We are all on our own journeys. It’s not your job to be perfect, nor will striving for this goal benefit your children. It is your job to be you, to heal your wounds, to live your life in the most fulfilling way possible. This version of you is what your children need most. God has to be the God of our children, not us.

Myth #3. We must give our kids everything if we are to be a good mom.

In reality, “more” is making moms and their children miserable. Between activities, possessions and commitments, we’re being suffocated by the very things we hope will enrich us, fill us, or give us the momentary happiness for which we long.

The truth is, we’re all driven towards abundance, but what we’re looking for today is the wrong kind of abundance. External things were never meant to fill us, or give us the satisfaction we desire. Until we learn to look to God and ourselves for our inner abundance, we will continue to accumulate indiscriminately. Instead, give your kids yourself. Spend time with them instead of buying them. Teach them to dream, to love God, to enjoy the people in their lives, to serve others, and to find meaning in the present moment. These are the most precious gifts we can give our children.

Myth #4. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. 

We live with the internal motto that we can do everything. We don’t like to ask for help. We fear that asking would mean we were weak, perhaps incompetent. We tell ourselves, Everyone else seems to manage everything alone, I should, too.

The truth is, though more virtually connected than ever, mothers have never been so isolated in the rearing of children. We aren’t meant to raise children alone. We can ask for help from our friends, our neighbors, our family members. We can seek wisdom from other moms who have walked the road before. We can even reach out to professionals to help when our best efforts are running short and we don’t know where to turn.

Myth #5. We should be enjoying every moment.

Somehow we wake up every morning believing that every breakfast, every diaper change, every minute of our time with our children should be both enjoyable and meaningful. If it isn’t, we must be doing something wrong.

The truth is, parenting is a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous experience unlike any other on earth. But not every moment is going to be wonderful, beautiful, or exciting. It just isn’t. It’s not supposed to be. Life is about finding meaning in the mundane, about living thoughtfully and authentically each moment and trusting that this is enough. Mothering is a sacred calling, though every experience is not intended to be. Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It is enough. You are enough. God is enough.

[clickToTweet tweet="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough." quote="Free yourself to be present in whatever moment you are in and trust that it is enough. You are enough. God is enough."]

Myth #6. If we parent right, our kids will love us.

Perhaps…when they are 25 years old. Most kids will be kids. They will love us, they will hate us, they will feel many things about us throughout their young lives. Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves. That is not their responsibility. If we are parenting only to receive their affection or approval, we will not be effective parents.

[clickToTweet tweet="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves." quote="Our children were never placed on this earth to complete us, love us, or make us feel good about ourselves."]

The truth is if you are parenting effectively you will get a mixture of emotional responses from your children. Your parenting decisions should never be based on your emotional needs. The best parenting decisions are made in the context of what your children need to learn, how they need to grow, and what will provide the best tools for them have the healthiest, most meaningful lives as adults.

We need to stop living on the treadmill of comparison, insecurity, disappointment, and guilt. God gave your children you to be their mom, because they needed you, with all your flaws, all your insecurities, all your quirks and hang-ups. Be the best “you” you can be. Pray for wisdom in each decision. Trust your intuition in each situation. Leave the rest to God. He is in control anyway.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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How Technology Could Be Hurting Your Wellbeing

Tips for maximizing technology while minimizing the pain - literally!

In the months leading up to the launch of my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I was doing more writing and computer work than normal. The process of platform building and marketing can be both demanding and time-consuming.

Several weeks ago I started noticing my shoulder aching. My entire left arm began to tingle through my elbow all the way down to my fingers.

I didn’t think much of it. I am not ill often. I simply kept pressing on in spite of the pain. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better. In fact, it only grew worse finally sending me to the chiropractor.

After initial x-rays and examination, I was told that my neck, which should be curved, is actually straight. Three discs in my neck were mostly immobile. Not a good diagnosis, as the chiropractor described.

What I didn’t know is that throughout our entire lives, our body uses these curves as shock absorbers. The curves help us to balance and move. When viewed from the side, the body should have three distinct curves – one in the neck, one in the mid back and one in the lower back.

The curve in the neck is considered the most important, and has been referred to as the arc of life. This is a term coined by a neurosurgeon due to the importance of the cervical curve and the structure it protects – your nervous system.

It turns out that my blogging and social media habits have placed my neck in a downward position, which has contributed to my considerable neck pain. I am not alone. “It is an epidemic or, at least, it’s very common,” Hansraj, chief of spine surgery at New York Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine, told The Washington Post. “Just look around you, everyone has their heads down.”

Research has shown multiple severe health-issues related to the loss of the cervical curvature. Multiple studies have shown that a loss of this curve reduces lung capacity by up to 30%; decreased lung capacity has been linked to COPD, heart disease and cancer.  

Abnormal posture can cause organ disease, muscle tension, increased sensitivity to pain and weakened immune system. Loss of cervical curve can also result in loss of balance, dizziness, overall poor health, headaches, pain, numbness, weaknesses and decreased quality of life.  It can also inhibit the release of endorphins, which can have a negative impact on our moods and sense of happiness and wellbeing.  

Scientists suggest the major factor in the rise of “text-neck,” as they have named it, is the enormous increase in technology usage throughout the day. Smartphone users spend an average of two to four hours per day hunched over, reading e-mails, sending texts or checking social media sites. That’s 700 to 1,400 hours per year people are putting stress on their spines, according to the research.

According to The Wireless Association, texting statistics have increased astronomically.  In June 2006 in the USA, there were 12.5 billion texts sent monthly.  By June 2011, that number grew to 196.9 billion.  Clearly, this problem isn’t going anywhere. Who knew?

Since our physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing are so intricately connected, it is vital that we are aware of and care for our physical health. If you use your computer often or are on your electronic devices, here are some practical tips to avoid “text-neck” and help keep your wellbeing in tip-top shape.

• Get the app - Florida chiropractor, Dr. Dean Fishman actually created a “Text Neck” app for the Android, which offers “immediate real time feedback” about whether your standing in the correct posture, indicated by a green or red light. There’s also an optional vibration or beep reminder, when you lapse into bad habits. Best of all, according to the doctor, it actually tracks and scores your slouching/standing patterns.

• Raise the phone - Move your cell phone (and other devices) to eye level so your head doesn’t have to be tilted.

• Take frequent breaks - Spend some time away from the phone—or any type of head-forward posture. Remember to change positions when texting—lying on one's back is an excellent way to relieve pressure on the neck.

• Stand up straight - Good posture, with the shoulders pulled back, keeps the body aligned in a neutral position.

• Arch and stretch - Arch the neck and upper back backward periodically to ease muscle pain.

• Stay fit - A strong, flexible back and neck are better able to handle extra stress.

We are only given one body. I know we will all increasingly use technology as a means of connecting with and engaging the world around us. Yet if we can become aware of and implement a few things to help our bodies, we will in fact be helping our souls. We will be building a strong physical foundation that will empower us to live abundantly —physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We can all cultivate more balance in our lives, which is essential if we are going to achieve our goals or experience the abundant life we desire. Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace.

[clickToTweet tweet="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace." quote="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace."]

References:

• Lee S, Kang H, Shin G. Head flexion angle while using a smartphone. Ergonomics. 2015;58(2):220-226.

       •  Hansraj KK. Assessment of Stresses in the Cervical Spine Caused by Posture and Position of the Head.                Surgical Technology International. 2014;11(25):277-9.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

Lisa is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. Her online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, Lisa is just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. She has fallen passionately in love with the journey and believes it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While she grew up in the Florida sunshine, she and her husband now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In her new book, Peace for a Lifetime, Lisa Murray shares the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through Lisa and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Join our community on Facebook: Lisa Murray!

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Three Ways To Maximize Peace In Your Relationships

How to stop enabling and start loving well 

A friend posted a quote on Facebook the other day. It said, We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please. @lysaterkerust

How true, I thought instantly.

We struggle to know how to love, when to love, where to love. We grapple to acknowledge when our love isn’t loving, when it is nothing short of enabling.

We all have those relationships. We each have people in our lives who somehow expand their level of taking while never getting around to giving, who always seem to be in a crisis, and who never want to listen to advice.

The cajole us. They blame us. They manipulate us interminably because we are afraid to say no— afraid of the anger, afraid of the disappointment, perhaps we’re afraid of the punishment to come and most certainly, we’re afraid of being rejected.

We desperately want things to be different. We had so many hopes and dreams for what our lives with family and friends would look like. We never envisioned this.

Enabling has become such a catchphrase in our culture. Though in a positive sense enabling can be used to denote empowerment, in a negative sense, according to Wikepedia:

“Enabling can describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling in this sense is a major environmental cause of addiction.”

We have become a nation of enablers. As parents, we stand between our children and the consequences of their actions because we feel it defines our love as better, or stronger, for our children. We believe that rescuing is helping. Desperately needing to feel loved ourselves, and having placed our children on the altar of our emotional needs, we are immobilized from saying or doing anything that might threaten their love for us.

As friends and family, we try to be helpful, loving. We always tell ourselves, this will be the last time, knowing full well somewhere in the back quarter of our minds that it won’t be. We tell ourselves, that’s what good parents do for their children, that’s what friends do for each other, that’s what being a good Christian means.

We need them to love us because many of us do not know how to love ourselves. We use their love as a surrogate love that was never meant to fill the hole inside of us, the place where God’s love and our love was meant to fill.

What do we do? How do we determine where we end and another begins? How do we begin to forge healthy boundaries so that we can actually love others, without enabling them?

Assess whether your efforts to help have helped.

Have your acts of love led to any real, consistent behavioral change? Is this the fifth time your child has totaled the family car? Has the money you’ve given a loved one really gotten them out of a crisis and put them back up on the road toward health and stability? Have you ever been repaid?

If what we want is behavioral change, if we want our friends and our children to make better choices, are they? If not, chances are that your love and your help have not been loving or helpful.

The first step towards behavioral change is sincerely owning responsibility for one’s life and having a heart change. Owning responsibility never blames, never rationalizes, and is not angry. Owning responsibility is simply that. It is heartfelt and is followed by repentance. Repentance is defined as, turning from sin and dedicating oneself to the amendment of one's life; to feel regret or contrition; to change one’s mind.

You can always tell when there is heart change. Heart change is always followed by behavioral change. Apologies, rationalizations, blame, threats rarely lead to life change.

Determine what boundaries are needed for you to stop enabling your loved ones.

Do you need to stop rescuing your children? Do you need to stop giving money, room and board, or transportation when it only seems to perpetuate the insanity, and continue the dysfunctional cycle? Do our loved ones need to face the consequences of their choices? Do our friends and family members need to find the answers to their problems themselves instead of looking to you to be the answer to their problems?

What do you need to do or better yet, stop doing, to lovingly allow your loved ones to come face to face with themselves and God in order to determine the path they will pursue on their journeys. Love them. Give them the gift of facing the results of their choices, their hearts, their lives, and having the opportunity to build a life that’s radically different.

Learn the most loving word, “No.”

Whatever emotions surface inside of you as a result of saying “no” are your responsibility. Don’t place them on someone else. Lean in. Listen.

If you’ve never learned how to love yourself and continue the enabling in an effort to find and feel love, even for a fleeting and perhaps, destructive moment, you can begin today. Learn how to experience God’s love for you. Learn how to give the gift of love to yourself. You are beloved. You are worthy. You are enough. It is never someone else’s job to give that to you. It is your job. Open yourself to the love that is waiting for you.

When your friend or loved one asks something of you that you know you should not do, calmly, respectfully say “no.” Free them. Free yourself. Focus on the things you can do. You can pray. Perhaps you can offer suggestions, if they are requested. Freedom allows everyone to determine how they want to engage their lives, how they want to move forward with clarity into their future.

Just because someone has a problem doesn’t mean that it is your problem. Love sees the long-term game and is willing to sacrifice short-term pay-offs to ensure the potential of future success.

• Assess whether your efforts to help have helped.
• Determine what boundaries are needed to stop enabling your loved ones.
• Learn to use the most loving word, “No.”

You will find freedom in your heart and mind. You will find abundance in your relationships. You will find peace.

My new book Peace for a Lifetime speaks to the heart of relationships and teaches us how we can build Emotional Abundance into our lives so our relationships can flourish. If your relationships seem filled with heartache, chaos, and disappointment, if you are lost wondering what to do next, this book will outline simple, practical ways you can cultivate healthy, stable relationships that will maximize the peace in your life.

To order your copy, click here!

What is the relationship that is hardest for you to draw healthy boundaries? Leave your comment below. I’d love us to learn and grow with each other.

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What True Abundance Looks Like In Our Relationships

 There is nothing like spring! After months of endless grey skies and bone-chilling temperatures that have kept us huddled inside, the first green sprigs we see pushing out from the dull, barren tree branches make us want to celebrate with joy.

Those little green buds on the trees mean one thing – winter is over. New life is here.

Yet new life doesn’t just start in spring. Those awesome green buds are simply the outward fruit of growth that has been happening underneath the surface. Without a strong root system growing deep underground, without a strong trunk to give stability and transport nutrients throughout the tree, there would be no vibrant display of life on display each spring.

The same is true for our lives and relationships. Thomas Merton stated, We are not at peace with others because we are not at peace with ourselves, and we are not at peace with ourselves because we are not at peace with God.

We cannot experience life in our relationships if we are not experiencing life within ourselves; and we cannot experience life within ourselves if we are not experiencing life in our relationship with God.

For so many of us, there is little that is living or vibrant in our relationships.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares what true abundance looks like in our relationships. God wants our relationships to be beautiful extensions of His love and grace at work in our lives.

As I sit down to write this morning, my eyes are continually drawn outside my window to witness the miracle happening before me. Spring is here, and everywhere little buds of green are pushing their way up from the ground’s surface. The forsythia’s yellow blossoms are beginning to explode, and tiny red petals are filling the barren branches of my beloved rose bushes. Before long, tulips in every color of the rainbow will begin to steal the show as they announce their arrival with an unequaled majesty.

In amazement, I wonder how this happened. Yesterday everything was dead and brown, yet today the whole world is being reborn before my very eyes. Spring is my favorite time of year.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I planted some Leyland cypress trees in our yard. Ever since, we have been faithfully watering them and fertilizing them exactly the way we were instructed, yet they have not grown quickly to become the grand towers of shade I had envisioned.

So a few weeks ago when a lawncare specialist was spraying the lawn, I inquired as to why my trees weren’t growing like they should. The man chuckled and began to explain that the trees were indeed growing, but most of their growth thus far was underneath the surface of the ground. He described that during the first two years or so, the trees were establishing a healthy root system and that they needed to grow big underground before they started to grow big above ground. He encouraged me to be patient, knowing they would eventually take off and grow bigger than I could imagine.

At that moment, everything made sense. This new life, these new beginnings on display in my garden are a reflection of where we are on our journey toward cultivating new life and new abundance in our relationships. All of the work we have done thus far has been in establishing and growing our root system underground, so we could have a strong, solid trunk. Now, the final stage is being set to see the healthy new growth reach far and wide into our relationships.

You don’t have stay stuck in under-nourished, barren relationships. The investment you make in cultivating peace with God and peace with yourself will bring forth abundance and peace in all of your relationships.

In my book, Peace For a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Plumbing Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

 Most of us have had little training in understanding emotions or how to effectively deal with emotions in life. What we learned from our families growing up was usually some sort of extreme —families either ignoring, shaming, being completely disconnected from their emotions, or families being entirely consumed by drama and emotion. Few of us have had a balanced approach in dealing with our feelings modeled for us within our childhood families.

We’ve been left to figure out emotions on our own. They don’t teach us emotional health in school, they don’t show us a video on how to manage our emotions well. Yet, studies show that emotional health (or emotional intelligence) determines about eighty percent of success in life.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that explains what plumbing can teach us about our emotions. Plumbing isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind when we think of emotions, but adequate, functional plumbing is necessary for the overall functioning of a house. If something is wrong with the plumbing, the aftermath isn’t very pretty. Likewise, when our emotional plumbing is leaking, or has a stoppage, the aftermath isn’t very pretty either. When our emotional pipes are aligned and functioning well, they allow us to find the balance we need to build a strong foundation for abundant living.

When I was growing up, my dad was a plumber. Talk of flappers, traps, valves, drain fields, seals, connections, and fittings was normal conversation at the dinner table. My dad loved his job and was devoted to excellence in everything he did.

Dad would often take my brother and me with him to work, partially to instill in us a strong work ethic, and partially to educate us with the hope that one day, one of us might want to follow in his footsteps. Okay. Maybe the hope was more about my brother following in his footsteps and I was just a tag-along, but let’s not tarnish a memory!

I wanted so much to please my dad and learn whatever he was teaching, but as soon as he would explain something, I would forget what he told me almost as quickly. He could show me an Allen wrench or a tube cutter and, ten minutes later, I’d have a distinct look of confusion on my face when he asked me to hand him one.

What I remember most from those days with my dad is he always gave me the job of painting the ends of the PVC pipes with purple primer. I somehow felt that my job must be incredibly important, so I worked diligently to be the best purple-primer painter anywhere.

Obviously, I was not exactly mechanically inclined, but what I did learn from those experiences with my dad was that the way the pipes worked had a profound impact on the overall functioning of a house. If the pipes were laid out, connected, and sealed properly, the plumbing would function well. However, if there was a leak or a stoppage, the flaw would affect everything else around that failure in the system. You might not see the cause, but a leak could destroy the structure all around and result in an expensive repair.

Our emotional interior is much like the interior of a house. We, too, have emotional pipes that if connected, flowing, and functioning properly, allow our individual selves to function at optimal performance. However, if there is a leak or blockage in our emotional pipes, the result is either a flood or a back-up. For some, there is a complete emotional disconnect. Sadly, they feel that if they can cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, they will never have to experience the potential pain or messiness that can result as a consequence of feeling.

Yet even for those who have cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, the emotions don’t simply disappear. They will drain into, contaminate, and infect some area of their lives whether they want them to or not.

We cannot run away from our emotions. We cannot push them down or close the door on them – not permanently anyway. Emotional Abundance empowers us to find the proper balance between our thinking and feeling, and equips us to become more calm, more present, more thoughtful in responding to the challenges of life.

You do not have to remain a prisoner to your emotions. Nor do you have to expend so much energy to keep your emotions locked away. There is so much more God has for you! There is hope, there is freedom, there is abundance we can experience in our emotions.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you connect your emotional pipes and create balance and clarity within your heart and mind. This material will empower you to build a life of indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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Why Learning To Nurture Ourselves Is Vital For Us To Thrive

 It seems no matter how early I used to get up in the morning, I always felt like I was lagging behind. Like I was playing catch-up. Late.  Days were spent getting lunches made, out the door to school, then work, then homework, groceries, practices, dinners and finally a shower after a late night with a science project and a grumpy child, just to do it all again the next day.

If this sounds like your schedule, and you’re caught in the spinning motion of life that never asks, but demands more and more until there is nothing left to give, you are not alone.

Millions of men and women have bought into the notion that they have to be everything for everybody and nothing for themselves. This is not the life God desires for you. There is so much more. There is rest. There is abundance. There is peace.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the importance of cultivating the habit of self-nurture into our lives so that we can begin building a life of wholeness and harmony.

In reality, we were not created to be the Energizer Bunny or robots. We each have an emotional fuel tank, and for too many of us, the tank is below empty. We are running on fumes. As a result, prescriptions for anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication are at an all-time high.

While for some, medication is absolutely necessary and beneficial, there are many of us who use medication as an energy drink to keep us pumped up so we can grind out life for one more day. Too many of us wonder why, when we have everything we ever dreamed of, are we so depressed? Even though we love our spouses and our children, our careers and our friends, why do we still feel so empty inside? Why does everything feel so overwhelming?

The truth is I cannot be the best mother, wife, lover, worker, or friend until I have first become the best me. I cannot give anything to anyone around me unless and until I have first given to myself.

Furthermore, I cannot share an opinion in the boardroom, living room, or bedroom if I haven’t spent time alone connecting with and understanding my own thoughts and feelings. I cannot allow myself to be intimately known by another person if I haven’t first spent time becoming intimately acquainted with myself. Indeed, drawing healthy boundaries for myself in a relationship would be impossible if I didn’t know what I felt like when a boundary had been crossed.

Self-nurture thus becomes the emotional radar and rudder of our internal ships. Self-nurture develops the habit of knowing when something unpleasant or unsettling has happened and allows us to make minor, daily adjustments so we can achieve our goals and avoid as much unnecessary drama and conflict along the way. More importantly, as we are continually in the process of discovering new things about ourselves, self-nurture allows us to dream new dreams, to plot new courses, and to build the courage to live this adventure to the fullest, one day at a time, one step at a time.

That sounds exciting to me! That sounds like real living. We will never experience peace in our relationships if we haven’t first found peace with ourselves. Peace begins and ends with understanding and honoring God’s creation, you, and learning how to build a foundation for life the way God intended.

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Boats Can Teach Us About Healthy Relationships

Relationships can be overwhelming. We all want relationships, but how do you know if your relationship is a good one? What does a healthy relationship even look like?

We hear expressions from Hollywood like, “You complete me,” we sing along with the radio, “I can’t live if living is without you,” we believe that “love means, I should be willing to do anything for you.” Is it any wonder we are slightly confused as to how to create a healthy relationship?

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares what boats can teach us about healthy relationships. Yes – boats. Boats are interesting things. They have an individual identity. They have to maintain their seaworthiness and safety in a sizeable and often turbulent ocean. Boats can teach us a lot about how we as individuals engage in relationships. Boats can also offer us a better understanding of what healthy relationships should and should not look like.

I describe a picture of myself in a relationship as if I were in a boat that is floating in the ocean. I as an individual am in the center of my boat. I may be in a relationship with others, and if they are healthy relationships, they are in the center of their boats, too. Everyone is safe, anchored in Christ, connected with one another.

However, there are many relationships I encounter where someone I love is not in their boat. They are treading water in the ocean surrounding the boat. They do not realize they are drowning, but from my position in my boat, I can see they are drowning. The waves are crashing all around them. The wind is blowing, and the powerful current threatens to pull them under the water.

Because I love my family and friends, I desperately want these people in the boat with me. I know the boat is good and strong. The boat provides the necessary safety and security for my journey. So I make my way to the edge of the boat in order to throw out a life preserver. I try to lean over the edge to reach out to them, but they are just beyond my reach. My efforts are noble and helpful, but at the point I risk falling out of the boat myself while trying to rescue them, I am then useful to no one and in jeopardy of drowning myself.

In order to be the most helpful to the ones I love, in order to have the greatest chance of successfully rescuing or influencing them, I must remain safely centered and stable in my boat. I must make sure I am healthy before I can ever attempt to establish a healthy connection with someone else.

How could I love my family and friends well if I am not able to love and care for myself well? The answer is, I couldn’t. I must make sure that I am safely grounded in my boat, that I know my identity and have created a safe place for my authentic self to flourish, that I am actively pursuing my passions and purpose as I live out my beliefs and values with clarity and courage.

For many of you, that concept sounds terrifying, completely foreign to anything you’ve ever experienced. You are not alone. You don’t have to continue living in relationships that demand too much, give too little and leave you feeling hopeless that life could be different.

Life can be different! I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace in your life and relationships; peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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Why We Are the Common Denominator in Our Relationships

 Do you ever find yourself having the same problems in every relationship? Does it seem that you are attracted to the same kind of people, no matter where you go?

We typically spend most of our time focusing on all the ways others need to change in order to solve our relationship problems, without ever looking to see how we contribute to the negative dynamics in our relationships.

It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship, so the greatest gift we can give all of our relationships, if we want them to be different, is to focus on changing ourselves. As we become healthier, our relationships naturally become healthier.

If you’re tired of the status quo, if you’ve given up hoping that things can change, you’re ready to take the next step God has for you. He wants you to experience peace not only with Him, He wants you to experience peace within your own heart and mind. He longs for you to discover your true identity, your beliefs and values as you passionately live out your purpose. Then you will be empowered to experience abundance and peace in your relationships.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that highlights why we are the common denominator in our relationships and guides us on our journey toward creating peace within ourselves. Peace does not have to be something out of reach, it doesn’t have to be something just for others, peace is possible for you!

Our relationships will only be as healthy as we are as individuals. Look around you. Does drama seem to follow you? Does everyone seem to want to use you? Do you find yourself being abandoned or rejected in multiple relationships in your life? Are you the one doing the abandoning or rejecting? Are you exhausted in trying to be everything for everyone while never being anything for yourself?

Usually, we are the common denominator in our relationship problems. That is difficult to acknowledge, I know, but if we can accept and digest that truth, we are one step closer to becoming emotionally abundant individuals and developing healthy, peaceful relationships with those we love.

In an earlier chapter, we discussed how life and the negative forces at work around us write on the slate of who we are as children. We all grew up in families that fell somewhere along a continuum of what is defined as normal. We developed certain coping skills to adapt to the family dynamic that surrounded us. Certainly, dysfunction is more severe in some families than in others, but all of us began to assemble in childhood an emotional tool belt that contained the tools we needed to deal with life. We did the best we could. We survived.

However, what began in childhood as a set of tools necessary for our adaptive functioning, or perhaps our very survival, we have carried with us into adulthood even when there is no longer any threat to our physical or emotional well-being. In short, most of the coping skills that worked for us in our childhood no longer work for us in our adult lives and relationships. Those coping skills may become defense mechanisms that can be quite destructive to us in how we relate to ourselves, as well as others.

Though we all develop defense mechanisms in childhood that have impacted our adult lives and relationships, this does not have to be our ultimate destiny. You can experience healing. You can lay down the anger, the defensiveness, the criticism and experience the relationships you’ve always wanted. You can embrace a life of emotional abundance and peace.

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you discover healing and wholeness within your heart and mind. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Exercise Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

 We’ve all made them. New Year’s Resolutions. We’ve over-indulged through another holiday season and we’ve made the commitment to begin working out after the New Year.

We begin the process of getting ourselves up early in the morning so we can head to the gym. Each step, each day, an act of will. The first few weeks are horrific. Muscles that haven’t been exercised in years are throbbing from use. We are told to lean into the pain. “No pain, no gain” – right?

For those who make it past those first few weeks, things begin to change. The muscles that had initially ached now feel taut and lean. We can feel ourselves growing stronger. We feel good.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, where I describe the important truths exercise can teach us about our emotions. Physical exercise is necessary for our overall health, for us to grow. Yet if we spend our lives running away from the discomfort associated with exercise, we will never grow solid and strong. We will never know what physical health feels like.

The same is true for our emotional health. We will never experience the emotional health or abundance God desires for us if we spend our lives running from any painful or uncomfortable emotions. We will find freedom, fullness, and peace as we learn how to lean into and develop a new relationship with our emotions.

Growing is a double-edged sword. The results are generally positive, but the process never occurs without some amount of struggle, effort, and pain. A few years back, I decided the time had come for me to start exercising.

As I began to near my thirties and the realities of an aging metabolism set in, I decided that perhaps now was the time to dust off my 1980s aerobics gear and head to the gym. That my best friend was a body builder and trainer, not to mention that another sweet friend, Sheila, offered to train with me, I felt was divine providence. This is like a two-fer, I thought. This was perfect.

Neither Sheila nor I were fitness types. We probably had fairly similar body types and athletic skills. Nevertheless, we both showed up the first day eager to become lean and trim. We didn’t know what awaited us.

To say our trainer took her job seriously might have been an understatement. She kept yelling, “One more set, one more set!” I have never been a quitter, and so I tried my best to push through the pain in order to finish well. By the end of our first day, Sheila and I were both exhausted. I drove home feeling sore, but exhilarated. Once I arrived home, however, things began to change. Little by little, I noticed my soreness increased. By the next day, I could no longer walk up the stairs; I could only crawl. Sitting down and standing up became monumental and excruciating tasks. There were moments I thought the pain might never end.

Over time, the pain did subside. As my muscles toned, I felt stronger, more capable. I could walk farther and faster on the treadmill. Steadily I was increasing my weights and adding repetitions. I was feeling good. My physical body was growing, and the results were worth the struggle.

I distinctly remember hearing my trainer encourage me to “lean into the pain.” She would push me harder than I thought I was capable of going, not to run away from the exercise, but to press forward. What is the saying? “No pain, no gain?”

The same is true for our emotional growth as we work to cultivate peace with God. If we can lean into our emotions instead of becoming numb to them or distracting ourselves from them, we grow. If we can reason through our emotions, understand our emotions, and effectively manage our emotions, the more Emotional Abundance (EA) we build into our lives.

It is never too late to begin cultivating a new relationship with your emotions. You don’t have to keep running from difficult emotions. You can lean into your emotions and use them to gain insight, wisdom, and strength on your journey.

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I’ve included more information about the importance of establishing a new relationship with your emotions. I’ve packed it with basic, easy-to-understand life steps that will yield abundance and peace in your life and relationships. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

 To learn more about the book, click HERE!

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Why Neglecting Our Foundation Will Always Leave Us On Shaky Ground

 Have you ever watched a house being built? Ever seen the concrete and steel foundation formed carefully and precisely for the house that will be constructed on top?

In construction, the foundation is everything. If the foundation is defective or faulty in any way, it can undermine the strength and stability of the external structure. An entire house can sink, settle, or even collapse if the foundation is not completely secured, solid and strong.

Building our lives is a lot like building a house. We, too, have a foundation. If our foundation is not formed wisely and carefully, everything we will build on top will be built on shaky ground. Our careers, our relationships, our finances and our faith are subject to collapse if the foundation of our life is not well-built, trustworthy and strong.

Yet most of us have spent very little time focusing on the foundation. Our culture likes shiny things. We like shiny new houses and shiny new cars. We tend to focus our time and energy on making sure our “house” is decorated beautifully, without realizing the importance of evaluating and securing what lies beneath.

God wants each of us to build wisely on a solid foundation. Matthew 7:24-25 (NIV) tells us that “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, where I share both the importance of building a strong foundation as well as the history of how we as a culture arrived with little to no understanding of foundations and the impact they will have on every area of our lives. The good news is that it is never too late to shore up the foundation of your life. You can take this season to check your foundation and make certain that it is strong enough to withstand the storms and pressures that life will bring.

How many of us rush around busy with life, our careers, families, goals, etc., preoccupied with building our own towers? How much of our time is invested in having the right house, working the right job, driving the right car, sending our children to the right school, or being involved with the right circle of people? We focus our energy on making sure the exterior is polished and impressive while we devote little, if any, energy to make sure the foundation upon which everything else rests is strong and sure. What I have come to realize is you cannot have one without the other. You cannot have the gleaming exterior, the lifestyle, or the status, if you haven’t built your life on a strong foundation—at least you won’t have them for long.

The recession in the U.S. economy over the last several years has revealed to us that the opulence of the ’80s and ’90s in many ways wasn’t real, but was a façade. And that façade looked so good! Everyone had so much—lavish homes, vacations, boats, cars, jewels, etc.—we seemingly thought we were living out an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Somewhere along the way in the last ten to twenty years, the ground beneath us as a society began to shift. We all felt the tremors. Perhaps we suspected something was awry, but very few of us were brave enough to question the foundation. Few of us were wise enough to spend time and energy focused on making our physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual foundations strong enough to bear the weight of the external structure.

I can’t help but think about the motto of financial guru, Dave Ramsey. He famously admonishes his audience to, “Live like no one else now so that later you can live like no one else!” His belief is if people will take a long, hard look at the financial area of their lives, and are willing to make some difficult choices today about how they spend their money, they will permanently alter their future financial trajectory and later will be in a position of financial freedom. In short, the sacrifices they are willing to make today will bring the rewards of financial peace tomorrow.

I wish we as individuals, couples, and families would have that same mindset and intensity in the emotional arena of our lives. What would happen if we could take a moment of our lives, a season, to embark on a journey of discovery and health? How much greater could our impact on the world be if we could check our emotional foundation from the bottom up and make sure the foundation on which we are building is strong and sure?

Is your foundation solid? Can it stand up to the stresses and strains of life? My new book, Peace for a Lifetime, will walk with you step by step to help you evaluate your life’s foundation. This material will provide simple, practical life steps that will help you build a foundation of indestructible peace —not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

The foundation on which we build our lives is

the difference between life and death in a storm.

 To learn more about the book, click HERE!

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