ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

---

Dear Lisa,

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  After my mom and dad divorced at 8yrs old, my mom and I fell into a pattern of eating to numb the pain.  Every night while watching tv, we would pop popcorn, or eat ice-cream right out of the tub. Most of our best times seemed to revolve around making brownies or stopping by our favorite hamburger joint.

When I was little I had a good metabolism, so I wasn’t too heavy.  But when I entered high school, others began to make comments suggesting I was fat and needed to lose weight.  Even the school counselor sent a note home to my mom encouraging me to go on a diet to get my weight under control.

I feel like I’ve been on a diet ever since.  Mom and me would diet for a while, but when there were bills to pay, or she had broken up with a boyfriend, we just went right back to food. Food became my comfort. We would have mac & cheese on a bad day, burgers and fries on a good day, and ice cream as a treat every day. 

When I was 14 yrs old, I was molested by an uncle. I felt helpless. Dirty.  Unworthy and unsafe.  I ate to numb the pain.  I never told anyone and I’ve never been able to trust anyone since.  I want to date, to be married, to have a normal life, but I wouldn’t know how.

It seemed my life has always revolved around food.  I want to lose weight.  I can even start off the day making pretty good choices.  But by the time night falls, what starts off as a little indulgence leads to continual snacking. 

Two years ago I committed to a specific diet/exercise program.  I lost weight.  I felt great. I told myself I would never go back. But I did.  I always do.  

Can you help me? I am desperate to know how I can lose weight and keep it off once and for all.

Sincerely,

Dieting in Dallas

---

Dear Dieting,

Thank you for sharing your struggle here. I know how difficult our relationship with food can be and how discouraging the battle to lose and maintain our weight can become. I want you to know you are not alone in your struggle.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 33 percent of U.S. adults are overweight and an additional 36 percent are obese. Approximately one in six children in the U.S. is obese. 

Though the causes of obesity are complex, obesity is not a function of laziness or an indication of emotional instability. Genetic and biological factors do not act in isolation, but are constantly interacting with an array of environmental and emotional factors. 

When it comes to losing weight, most people follow the usual protocol, focusing on eating less and exercising more. But a major aspect of weight control involves understanding and managing feelings, thoughts and behaviors that can interfere with weight loss.

That's not surprising, said Diane Robinson, PhD, a neuropsychologist and Program Director of Integrative Medicine at Orlando Health. Most people focus almost entirely on the physical aspects of weight loss, like diet and exercise. But there is an emotional component to food that the vast majority of people simply overlook and it can quickly sabotage their efforts. In order to lose weight and keep it off long term, we need to do more than just think about what we eat, we also need to understand why we're eating.

From a very young age we're emotionally attached to food. Whether we are aware of it or not, many of us are conditioned to use food not only for nourishment, but for comfort. 

According to Dr. Howard Rankin, an expert on behavioral change, 

We are emotional beings with the ability to rationalize -- not rational beings with emotions. If we are stressed, depressed or addicted, no matter how good the advice we are given, chances are that we will not be able to act on it. The more primitive, emotional brain generally has precedence over the newer, more rational brain. 

This was the challenge for Shekyra DeCree, of Columbus, Ohio. As a mental health therapist, my job can be very stressful, and everyday when I got home from work, the first thing I would do is go to the refrigerator,she said. That was my way to calm down and relax. Her conclusion— you have to change the way you deal with your emotions, your stress, and anxiety.  Understanding this is the key to not only taking the weight off, but keeping it off long-term. CLICK TO TWEET

Here are six tips I recommend to help you deal with weight loss differently and keep it off once and for all:

1.)  Heal the wounds of your past.

As I hear you describe, you have many wounds that have accumulated over your life that have never been healed. God desires for you to experience healing, freedom, wholeness —from every wound, every betrayal, every rejection that leaves you to use food to comfort, numb, and protect your fractured heart.CLICK TO TWEET

I could never ask you to step away from your defense mechanisms when today, they are all you have to protect you. In order to successfully change your relationship with food, you must first begin to heal so that you no longer need it to keep you safe.  Then you can open your heart and mind to a new way of being. Without living out of the wounds of your past, you will be able to create a new identity, new relationships, and a future with unlimited possibilities.

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.  Isaiah 53:4-5(NIV)

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. Jeremiah 33:6(NIV) CLICK TO TWEET

2.)  Cultivate healthy coping skills. 

We must understand what we feel and why we are feeling it, if we are to resist the emotional pull to eat.  If we have never connected with our emotions, begin journaling every day, do a feelings check.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling.  Explore the best options for dealing with those feelings —do you need to talk with a friend, draw a boundary, comfort yourself emotionally, or strategize a new path forward? 

·     Keep a daily diary logging your food and your mood, and look for unhealthy patterns. 

·     Identify foods that make you feel good and write down why you eat them. Do they evoke a memory or are you craving those foods out of stress?

·     Before you have any snack or meal ask yourself: Am I eating this because I'm hungry? If the answer is no, look for the root of your motive.

As we learn to develop a healthier relationship with our emotions we will be better able to nurture our bodies with the fuel it needs without using food to manage, numb, or distract us from our emotions. Nor will we need food for physical or emotional protection.  

3.) Develop your ‘no’ muscle.

Self-control is a muscle that, like other muscles, needs exercise to be strengthened. Change doesn't happen because you want it to happen. Each time you exercise your ‘no’ muscle, you are developing greater self-control. Success breeds success. Facing down temptations builds strength for future decision moments.  Empowers determination.  Grows grit where we need it most.

ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

We can do hard things.  We can.  Find at least one time per day (if not more) that you actively tell yourself no.  It doesn’t have to be just about food, this applies to many aspects of our lives where we have difficulty with disciplining our bodies, our hearts, and our minds. CLICK TO TWEET

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline..2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

4.) Avoid sugary, carb-heavy foods.

Start reading labels.  Things you would never believe to be heavy in sugar or carbs can be incredibly packed with them.  Get a food-tracker app like Chronometer, where you can log everything you eat daily. This can be eye-opening because most of us minimize what we are eating as well as its calorie, sugar, or carb content. 

Apps don’t lie.  They will help educate and equip you with information so that you become increasingly aware of what you are feeding your body.  Once you become aware, you can make the changes necessary to feed your body appropriately without overindulging.

5.) Learn from your past mistakes, don’t shame them.

We all make mistakes. Instead of shaming yourself when you fall down or make a bad decision regarding food, seek to gain self-knowledge so you won't repeat the error. Ask yourself why you made the decision you did. Journal both the emotions and the thoughts surrounding that decision. What could you do differently next time? How do you want to move forward?

No one is perfect. Be sure to acknowledge what you are doing right, not just what isn't working.

6.) Surround yourself with people who will support your effort. 

Getting fit and losing weight absolutely require others. Although you alone can make the changes you need to make, they are hard to sustain alone. In every area of our lives, we are much more influenced by other people than we may think. One of the most potent forces for positive change is the emotional support of the individuals who surround you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for the support you need. Don't assume that others know what would be most helpful to you. Similarly, avoid those people who may try to sabotage you on your journey. Surround yourself with people who can encourage you, who can walk with you.

You can do this.  You have already overcome so much in your life.  You can heal, you can learn.  You can grow.  By choosing health in every moment, in every decision, you can learn to manage your emotions and make choices that nurture you body, mind, and spirit.  CLICK TO TWEET

You will find balance.  Equilibrium.  Your physical body will heal.  Your heart will heal.  You will become whole.  And there is nothing like it!

I will be praying for you and cheering you on every step of the way. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Many blessings,

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

8 Keys To a Healthy Relationship With Your Body

The mirror doesn’t lie…or does it?

More accurately, it is the internal eyes of the one looking in the mirror that can distort, shame, and yes lie, negatively shaping the way we see ourselves, our bodies, and our beauty. Our thoughts are powerful to define what we believe about ourselves. Our value. Our worth. Our belovedness.

We tell ourselves…

·     My body is shameful.

·     No one could love me as I am.

·      I am a failure.

·      I do not deserve love.

·     If I could just drop 15 lbs, then I would be happy.

·     Why bother?

Many of us internalize messages starting at a young age that will either lead to a positive or negative body image. We watch our parents, we absorb the words they speak, the attitudes they hold, the thoughts they believe about themselves and others.  We listen to peers at school, at play. Their words seep into the deepest places inside and adhere themselves to our souls, vastly impacting the way we see ourselves and our bodies.

Social media certainly doesn’t help. One CNN article described the impact of being exposed to more and more images of unattainable beauty, thanks to social networking: ‘Before social networks, we mostly had images of impossibly perfect celebrities. We would pass these images on billboards, watch them on TV, flip through them in magazines, but we weren't sitting around staring at them for hours every day.’

It’s not only the exposure to these images that is damaging. It’s our interaction with them—the pressure we place on having the perfect profile pictures, the comparisons we make about every image we see, and the dangers of the constant scrutiny of our own and others’ bodies—that has the greatest negative impact on our wellbeing. 

Having a healthy body image is an important part of our emotional wellbeing. It is also equally important for eating disorders prevention in ourselves and in our kids.  We will pass down to them the attitudes, beliefs, and distortions we hold about our own bodies. They will see, they will hear how we talk about other peoples’ bodies and will define themselves by the same standards.

The Bible commands us to, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’  yet how do we love anyone in our lives if we hate ourselves, if we shame our bodies, and demean His very creation?  We cannot. No. We cannot.

Here are 8 ways you can start TODAY to turn negative body thoughts into positive body image. The more you practice these new thought patterns, the better you will feel about who you are and the body God gave you.

1.    Appreciate the things your body does for you.

Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Your body allows you to engage in God’s purposes for your life. Your body was beautifully designed by an amazing Creator.  Instead of focusing on the negative qualities or attributes you don’t like, remind yourself of all of the gifts your body gives you—running, dancing, working, breathing, laughing, dreaming, praying. 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Psalm 139:14(NIV)

2.    Create a list of attributes you like about yourself.

Take some time to reflect on physical, emotional, and spiritual attributes—things that aren’t related to how much you weigh or what you look like. Write them down. Read your list often.  Try to find things you can add to it as you become aware of more things to like about yourself.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.Ephesians 2:10(NIV)

3.  Remember that real beauty is not simply skin-deep.

Beauty is a state of the mind and heart, not a state of your body. CLICK TO TWEET The most beautiful people I know are people who know their belovedness—who live, who love, who give the gifts of acceptance and kindness they have already received. We can cultivate a heart and a life that exudes the love of Christ. CLICK TO TWEETWe are powerful to become compassion-warriors and grace-givers to the people we encounter.  CLICK TO TWEET

But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.’ 1 Samuel 16:7(NIV)

4.  Stop looking for validation from others.

When we find ourselves craving validation about how we look from others, it becomes an insatiable addiction, never giving us the acceptance or belonging we truly desire and leaving us perpetually thirsty for more.  Instead, write down the things you long to hear most from others and begin to speak them to yourself.  When you feel the urge to ask for validation directly or indirectly, don’t. Remind yourself of what God thinks about you.  Speak the things to yourself that you long to hear most.  

Other people do not have the power to heal us. They are fighting their own battles, struggling with their own fears and wounds.  Only God and you hold the power to heal you.  CLICK TO TWEET

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14(NIV)

5.  Surround yourself with emotionally and spiritually healthy people.

We are always strengthened when we are around those who are mature, both spiritually and emotionally.  Others who have a healthy body image, who feel good about themselves, who know and live out their belovedness on a daily basis can help you stay focused on the values and qualities that are most important.  

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.Ephesians 4:16 (ESV)

To equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. Ephesians 4:12 (ESV) 

6.  Become a critical viewer of social media.

Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media. Create affirmations you can repeat when you see images or posts that discourage you about your worth or body image. Remind yourself of the truth of your value and worth.  You must keep yourself centered or social media will leave you spinning inside.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Phillipians 4:8(NIV)

7. Be kind to yourself.

Do something kind for yourself every day.  Ask yourself, How could I honor my body spiritually, emotionally, and physically today?  Find one activity, one habit, one moment you could implement something that would nurture healing and wholeness in your heart. Success won’t happen at once—it will happen in a million tiny moments we choose kindness over condemnation, healing over hatred, compassion over shame.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… Ephesians 5:29(NIV)

8. Serve others.

Sometimes reaching out to other people can help you feel better about yourself and can make a positive change in our world.  Serving others helps take our mind off the enormity of our struggles and allows us to balance them with the needs and struggles of others. We become myopic when we exist in isolation, but when we serve, we can see Christ at work around us.  It fills a deep reservoir of grace inside us when we allow ourselves to be Christ to others who are hurting and in need.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13(NIV)

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38(NIV)

How are you nurturing your body image? 

 How are you walking in your belovedness, friend?  

What is one thing you could do today to develop a healthier relationship with your body?

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Four Ways To Celebrate A Perfectly ImPerfect You

Perfect.  Such a nice word.  If only everything could be perfect, life would be much neater, cleaner somehow.

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines the word “perfect” as being entirely without fault or defect.  Flawless.  Satisfying all requirements.  

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

I spent so many years chasing that word, driven by that ideal.  To be without defect.  Flawless. I felt perhaps, that if I found this place called Perfect, that I would be free. I would arrive.  I could breathe.

I would tell myself—

If only I could be taller…thinner…smarter…funnier

If my waist wasn’t so big…my rear so flat…my thighs so flabby

If I could be the perfect wife…the perfect stepmom…the perfect friend…

…then I would arrive, then I would be accepted, then I would be worthy of love.

I never realized how much damage, how much destruction this one little word, perfect,could do.

Most of us struggle to live out an ideal of what we think life should be, of who we think we should be. We struggle to get up out of bed for another day with our lists, our expectations, our goals.  We set the bar so high, we could never attain.  Never achieve – anything but sheer exhaustion. Emptiness.  

Is this what God intended for us?  Is this the abundant life He promised?

The drive for perfection will always leave us scraping at the bottom of the barrel.  The pursuit of perfection will always leave us hopeless, drained, done.  

So how do we overcome the insidious pull toward perfection?  How do we find the abundance and peace we are so desperate for?

I have found four ways you can begin to celebrate the perfectly imperfect you - today.

Accept your imperfection.

Every time you find yourself starting to chase the rabbit-trail of ‘if-only’s,’ stop. You are powerful.  You have a choice.  

Begin to repeat instead:

I am …beautiful… right in this very moment.

I am …loved…right in this very moment.

I am …enough…right in this very moment.

I am …healing…right in this very moment.

I am …growing…right in this very moment.

Learning to accept all the parts and pieces of who we are and welcoming them inside our hearts instead of shaming them, is the beginning of freedom.  We cannot develop a loving relationship with ourselves as long as we hate ourselves. We must release hate for love to flourish.  For hearts to heal. CLICK TO TWEET For us to arrive at a place where we can look in the mirror with all of our dimples and dings, all of our scars and sagging skin (ugghhh), and celebrate them. Yes, celebrate them.

You are beautiful.  Yes, you.  Beautiful. CLICK TO TWEET

Release control.

Yes, as an historic perfectionist, I long for control.  I love control.  Control allows me to believe that I am somehow powerful to determine my destiny.  It creates an illusion that I can prove my worth. I feel a craving, a compulsion to hold everything within my domain.  Somewhere within me, though I can observe this madness, the control is there, right beneath the surface, calling out to me.

Release control. Submit to the messy.  Don’t hold things so tightly.  Breathe into the unknown.  Rest.  CLICK TO TWEET In surrendering your will, your need to claim, to own, to control, you can settle into the here and now.  Release the unknown to God.  You are safe.

Create a life of compassion.

The cycle of shame is the gasoline that fuels our perfectionistic tendencies.  I set unrealistic goals for myself.  I make unreasonable demands on myself.  At some point, I fail.  Though failure is a normal part of life, for the perfectionist, failure signals an immense implosion of shame.  Shame whispers my utter worthlessness.  It pulls me hopelessly into the undertow of condemnation. It compels me to yet once again, set the bar higher, to push harder in the drive to be freed from this shame, to feel for once – peace.

Just as peace can never coexist with shame, compassion can never coexist with condemnation. Compassion diffuses the weight of shame and allows us to stop the pattern of self-condemnation.  Perhaps this is why Romans 8:1 (NIV) details, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Perhaps God knows our tendency to strive, to shame, to cling to condemnation as a favored friend.

Compassion also means that we stop blaming others.  We can never stop being victimized until we are ready to stop being the victim.  We can never overcome oppression until we are ready to release our identity as the oppressed. Resist blame.  Come face to face with failure.  It cannot destroy you.  It doesn’t define you.  You are on a journey.  You are becoming. CLICK TO TWEET

Consume a diet of truth.

John 8:32  (NIV) says,Then you will know the truth andthetruth will set you free.  When we recognize the harsh, shaming, perfectionistic voice that hides deep inside our hearts, we can speak the truth to that voice.  We don’t have to succumb to its pressure. We don’t have to yield to its ways. 

We can claim our worth, our value in the midst of our imperfections.  We can admit the reality that everyone is broken —yes everyone. It is only God’s great and majestic love for us that sees beauty right in the middle of our humanity.   Our beauty never lies in perfection.  Our beauty lies in all of the broken pieces that no longer hold us hostage, that no longer keep us hidden and disguised.  Out of something broken God makes something beautiful.  As God shines His light, His love, His glory through the jagged and prismed pieces of our lives, He creates the most amazing works of art.  

If you have struggled with the word perfect, you are not alone.

Anna Quindlen, says, The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

You don’t have to stay chained to your lists, your expectations, your goals.  Exchange them for love, for freedom, for compassion, for truth.

Celebrate imperfection.  Release control.  Create a life of compassion.  Consume a diet of truth.

Then you will be able to ask yourself:

How can I honor my body today?

What does my soul need today?

How can I nurture my spirit today?

How can I love others well today?

This is what God desires for you.  Discovering and becoming who God created you to be so that you can serve a world in need. Show them love.  Show them Christ.

You won’t come up dry. You won’t be scraping the bottom of the barrel.  You will experience fullness, abundance.  You will know peace.

---

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891