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Four Things We Can Do To Fight Back Against Violence and Evil

Four Things We Can Do To Fight Back Against Violence and EvilFour Things We Can Do To Fight Back Against Violence and Evil

I see the images. Kids walking single file. Hands grasping the shoulders in front of them.  

I want to run to them, protect them, comfort them in their fear. Tell them they are safe, they are loved in the middle of this horrific and seemingly God-forsaken world.

The hands raised on their way to safety are just a symbol of the hands that were raised as a sacrifice for our safety. Our salvation. And yeah, the same evil that tried to destroy these treasures of ours in a school building, tried to destroy the treasure of heaven —that carpenter who came and loved, and served, and gave—everything of Himself.

Sometimes it feels like evil wins, like hope has given up her last breath.

Will  we allow fear to conquer us? Do we furrow our treasures and hope that evil passes us by as it swoons in the dead of night?

What do we do as Christ-followers in response to evil in this world? We do what Jesus taught us to do:

When we feel like hating, we choose to love.

We humbly remember that though we deserved to be hated for the scabs that cover our own sin-disease, we were loved right there in our brokenness.

He never hated us into eternity. God's fierce, roaring love invaded our hate-filled souls and extracted us from our darkest calamity. He snatched us out of hell by lovingly trading it for a temporary hell of His own.

Because He loved us so well, so we choose to love others.

John 15:12 (ESV) - This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

When we feel like closing ourselves in, we reach out.

We reach out because if we don’t, darkness wins. We reach out because we as Christians are the light of the world.

When tragedy strikes and fear sets in, our first instinct is to huddle down within the safe confines of our tremored distrust. We forget we have this hope buried down deep that should rise up big inside. That should make us both brave and bold to live, to love, to give others the light that once transformed our dim, shadowed souls.

We have the Light that can rescue the world from darkness.

Matthew 5:14-16 (ESV) —You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

When we feel like clasping judgment in the palms of our hands, we forgive.

Judgment will never give us the satisfaction we desire. It will only simmer into bitterness until it boils as a fomenting rage within our hearts.

As we stand in the circle surrounding the accused one, we silently ask ourselves if we will be the first to cast a stone of judgment —this hard, violent, death without hope of repentance. Or will we remember that it was God in His great love for us who saw us in our damnable condition, and forgave the unforgivable?

We forgive because we have been forgiven.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV) —Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

When we feel like abandoning hope, we never let go.

Because just when we think that it has given up the ghost, hope breathes again…anyway. Yeah, the dark couldn’t keep away the light, and the grave could not win this ferocious, heavenly battle. And hope is a gift that only One could give and none can take away.

Four Things We Can Do To Fight Back Against Violence and EvilFour Things We Can Do To Fight Back Against Violence and Evil

Hebrews 10:23 (NIV) — Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

So I remind myself that the same evil that tried to destroy these treasures of ours in a school building, tried to destroy the treasure of heaven —that carpenter who came and loved, and served, and gave—everything of Himself.

Love won. And on the darkest day when evil threatens to steal the day, love will always win.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'For Every Parent and Child Who Feels The Struggle of Being 'Raised Up'

A conversation for every parent and child who feels the struggle of being ‘raised up:’

I know it's hard.

You’ve come up in this wild, unwieldy age of technology. So many things coming at you at once and it all feels so necessary, so now.

I know it seems that life has always been this way but it hasn’t. There was a time when homework was done with a pencil and paper, and you had to memorize your multiplication tables because there wasn’t a calculator there at your fingertips.

I remember how a boy asked a girl if she liked him on a handwritten note with one check box for yes and one for no. There were no texts, no un-friending, no ghosting. Just a bashful smile, some awkward conversation, and giggling with your friends about how cute he was.

Somehow it seemed so much simpler then.

I feel so sad that relationships have been reduced to a machine and some pictures, that make or break your hearts depending on the mood of the day and who is popular or not.

I know technology was supposed to help me stay connected to you, yet how distant I feel from you. How many times I have longed to talk with you —really talk, and share stories, share hopes and dreams, but most importantly, share the faith that’s been the foundation of this life we’ve been building.

We’ve assumed you shared our faith. Assumed you felt it to the core just like we do. You see, nothing we have is ours, none of the blessings are anything other than lovely treasures from God. Like you.

Passing Down Our Legacy of Faith

Pretty Bible verses hang on our walls and we say a blessing before every meal, but looking back I think we relied too much on Sunday School and Wednesday night youth groups to grow you up spiritually. And that was our job.

I wish I had taken more time to shut off the tv and the phone, wish we’d sat down —just you and me— to study the Bible with you, pray with you, teach you what we believe and why we believe it. To teach you that God loves you and sent His Son to die on the cross for you. Teach you what being a Christ-follower means —really means. To show you what taking up your cross and following Him looks like.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 (NIV) states, And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

‘Cause there is so much pressure on you to be like everyone else and do like everyone else. And when they tell you it’s okay as long as you’re in love, I want you to know the truth. I want it buried in the deepest part of your heart so on that day, you rise up like that strong one I know you are and say, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

I want you to know and understand that though the world will tell you, child, that you can decide what is right and wrong, and that you can pick and choose your beliefs like the pies and cakes at a potluck dinner, I want you to know you can’t.

That’s what being a Christ-follower is all about. It’s about us laying our hopes, our dreams, our values and beliefs, our identity and purpose for all that is and is to come, right down at His feet and trusting Him for all of it.

Though it’s hard and uncomfortable, and there’s too much busyness that gets in the way, I want to have these conversations with you. I need to have these conversations with you.

Raised Up To Be Ready

There will come a day when you will leave my house and will have to forge your faith in a harsh and callous world. I want you to be ready.

Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)  encourages parents to, Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Just like our Father wants each of us to be ready.

There He is waiting to talk with us, to pour Himself into us so that we are soaked in His love, His truth. And usually I’m right there scrolling through Facebook.

I get it. He wants me to rise up and be that strong woman, to say to the naysayers and the thrill-peddlers, No, that’s not who I am.I am the Beloved and He has so much more for me than that.

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We’re all being raised up. Called to be set-apart. Molded into His image. So we can breathe a little hope into a hopeless world. Shine a little light into the pits of night. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to broken souls who are desperate to feel grace instead of contempt, and compassion instead of this world’s harsh condemnation.

2 Corinthians 3:18 (MSG) shares His beautiful hope for His children, Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

We got such a work to do. You and me.

I know it’s hard, but in this age of technology and disconnect, pressure and busyness…

…it is time for each of us to rise.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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My Letter To Anyone Who Is Willing To Start The Conversation on Race

My Letter To Anyone Who Is Willing To Start The Conversation on RaceMy Letter To Anyone Who Is Willing To Start The Conversation on Race

I’d love to talk with you. My heart is for you and not against you. I’ve felt your pain as the scabs of wounds both historic and present have been ripped off, leaving you fragile, bleeding, and longing for relief.

I want to understand your experience, your perspective so that I can continue to grow in my own. Perhaps this time in our country has brought us to a golden opportunity where, for the first time, we can talk as neighbors, as friends, as family, about the issue of race and move towards the healing and reconciliation for which we all long.

When you shared your experience a few weeks back about the pain associated with civil war monuments, I heard you. I get that your perspective of our history is stained with tears for what your ancestors endured, the struggles they faced. And faced against their will.

I want to hear more. I want to talk and share together our experiences of race today so that we can collectively heal and remove any shadow of racism that hides in this great land.

I know you long for white people like me to understand and validate your point of view. I realize there is a deep pain throbbing in your belly that longs to be heard. Acknowledged. Healed.

Yet when I asked if someone like me could love you, validate you, and at the same time hold my own perspective on our country’s history, you responded quickly and clearly, no.

Room For Two

So saddened in my heart, I ask myself, Where do we go from here?Is yours the only experience that matters? Is yours the only point of view that is valid? Or must I abandon myself entirely, my own history, my own identity, my own experiences, in order to show my love for you?

My heart breaks. I’ve learned in my experience as a therapist that the very concept of emotional health is the ability to hold onto ourselves—our identity, our beliefs and values, our passions and purpose—while being close to someone who may be different than us.

Could our relationship be a safe place for me, too?

How can we possibly hear each other, grow together, and learn from each other if our relationship is only safe for one of us?

When you asked me why white women don’t talk about race issues, I responded that most of us are afraid. It feels like a no-win proposition. No matter what we say, no matter what we do, at some point in the conversation (usually when we disagree,) we will be called a racist, a hater, a bigot.

Most of us are none of these things. The white women I know have a heart of gold, who love, who listen, who desperately want to be part of the solution. Yet, when you almost instinctively throw out labels and accusations, how are we able to hear you or join you? The answer is, we are not. Thus we remain stuck.

John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher on relationships describes name-calling as contempt, and one of the deadly Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. Though we want to, we cannot hear you when you castigate us, demean us, and hurl names at us. We instantly feel unsafe, and our defenses rise up to protect us.

Please don’t label us. Even when we disagree. Don’t.

We will only heal as we learn to sit safely with each other. As we are able to listen to each other.

Listening Is A Two-Way Street

Would it be okay for me to speak in our conversations? Could my perspective be just as valued and needful to our healing as yours?

Could you listen to me? Me. A white woman. From the South.

We both have things to share. Important things. Needful things. Or is our conversation more of a diatribe than a sharing of hearts? A one-way street. A dead-end of sorts.

We will never find our way to the healing path as long as we’re stuck on dead-end roads.

I believe we both have things we need to learn from each other. We both have soul-wisdom that desperately needs to be experienced by each other.

You are right and lovely and beautiful about so many things, but are you right about everything? Could we share in our rightness? Is it possible that somehow I could be right, too?

Again, defensiveness, is another one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse that will prevent any healing, destroy any hope of understanding. Coming together.

The Art of Respect

When I hear you repeatedly admire your intellect and your unique ability to gather accurate information while at the same time subtly insinuating that I may be less adept at gathering or understanding information, you dismiss and demean me.

Do you really feel that anyone who disagrees with you is incompetent? Do you really feel solely possessing of intellectual resources capable of analyzing information and distilling a qualified position?

Could we both analyze the same information and draw valid individual conclusions based on our unique set of individual filters, beliefs, and experiences?

The Road Called Redemption

So where is the road called Redemption? What is the legacy that our stories will tell? It could be beautiful, I know that. I pray for that.

Let’s write this next chapter together. It is the only way.

Our politicians—all of our politicians— use these issues for political gain. Must we let them win each and every time? Could we take back the issue from the political realm and begin to do the work, the real work of laying down our weapons and coming together as families, as friends, as neighbors, and as communities?

Our politicians want us to remain divided. Must we let them?

The issue of race will never be solved in this country politically. Race wounds will only be healed as we take them back, stop listening to the talking points, stop enflaming the hate-filled rhetoric from both sides on social media, and begin to sit down with one another.

Invite your neighbor into your home. Share a meal with them. Pray with them. Talk with them. Yes, talk. It will be uncomfortable. It will challenge us. It will strengthen us and make us better. Hopefully it will draw us together, if we allow it.

We must be respectful. No name-calling.

We must consider an experience different than our own.Each side has a valuable perspective.

Don’t just say your willing to listen. Listen.

We must take back the issue. Don’t leave if for the politicians.

I want you to know that you are not my enemy. Please don’t make me yours. Let's work together. Work. Dig in. Struggle. We can. We must. We will.

And we can overcome anything if we overcome…together.

1 Peter 2:1-25ESV

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

1 Timothy 2:1-15ESV

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:5ESV

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Can we talk? This is for anyone who is ready to start the conversation on race so that we can find healing, and wholeness for our communities and our country.Can we talk? This is for anyone who is ready to start the conversation on race so that we can find healing, and wholeness for our communities and our country.

Can we talk? This is for anyone who is ready to start the conversation on race so that we can find healing, and wholeness for our communities and our country.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

10 Comments

16 Comments

Five Rules You Need To Read Before Posting On Social Media

Five Rules You Need To Read Before Posting On Social MediaFive Rules You Need To Read Before Posting On Social Media

Today, within a two-minute span I saw two posts on Facebook —one screaming in all caps that you, cannot be a Christian and be a Democrat, the other proclaiming that, if you call yourself a Christian, you cannot be a Republican. Republicans are evil, and Democrats are godly. Two separate people. Two separate posts. Two different parts of the country.  Are you serious?!

As I’ve quietly perused social media in the wake of the Charlottesville incident, my heart grows ever weary and troubled. The way we talk to each other, the permission we give ourselves to be arrogant, condescending, hateful to each other, is alarming. What’s worse is that some of the harshest diatribes are offered, in the name of Jesus. Really?

This wounds me to the core. What concerns me the most is not necessarily the content of our conversations —differing opinions have never bothered me. What concerns me is the dynamic that is occurring in these online exchanges. Perhaps because I am trained to analyze communication styles and teach couples which qualities work and which qualities don’t work in their relationships, seeing how online conversations escalate from respectful disagreements to all-out war, is disconcerting, at best.

I wrote in my book, Peace For A Lifetime, about the importance of relationship dynamics. There are certain characteristics of communication that determine a couple’s viability and strength. Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and leading researcher on relationships and communication, suggests that it is not if a couple fights but how they fight, that determines whether their relationship will survive.

You see, we will all disagree with someone at some point in our relationships. Gottman even argues that 70% of a couple’s disagreements are unresolvable, yes unresolvable. Only 30% of a couple’s disagreements are actually resolvable. Therefore, it is how they interact and communicate around the 70% unresolvable issues that will determine if they can create the safety and respect necessary to build a healthy, strong relationship.

The same principles at work within the microcosm of couple relationships, I believe apply in a larger sense to our relationships online, within our families, and across our nation. It is how we are communicating and interacting with one another that is destroying our ability to coexist, interact, and solve the problems of this great nation.

I’ve come up with some rules for communicating on social media and in real life relationships that will help move our families and our country forward, and will breathe new life into all our online relationships.

Before posting anything, take a breath. A long breath.

Ask yourself if what you are typing is necessary, if it adds anything to the larger conversation. Sometimes less is more. I am in no way suggesting that we silence our hearts or remove our voices from being heard on important topics, but sometimes every fleeting thought or feeling doesn’t need to be injected on each post or comment with which we disagree. It just doesn’t.

I try to be careful about when I post, comment, etc., because that post is rarely the last word of the thread, and the emotional rancor from the discussion that follows almost always steals my peace. Someone always comments, always rebuts, always disagrees, no matter what I share. Reading follow-up comments, replying, thinking of the perfect “comeback” keeps me from enjoying my day and from directing my energies toward the people and purposes God has called me to invest myself.

We need to ask ourselves, Do I really need to share? Is it worth it? Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t.

Be humble.

You are not God. You are not the ultimate authority on every aspect of political, religious, and cultural life in this country. Your perspective is valuable because it is uniquely derived through your set of experiences, both historic and present, and therefore has merit as a member of the human race and as a citizen of this country.

However, it is not your job to set everyone straight, to label, criticize, or condemn. Sorry. Emotionally-abundant individuals are able to hold on to their unique identity, their values and beliefs while being close to someone who may be different from them. It wouldn’t be okay for someone to require us to abandon ourselves in order to be close to them, and it is not okay for us to demand anyone else abandon themselves either.

We can agree to disagree. Respectfully. Calmly.   We can create a space where two perspectives can coexist safely without fear, intimidation, without shame or condemnation.

Be kind.

If you feel the need to post or comment on social media, use the same rules your mother taught you about how to treat others.

  • If you can’t say something nice (with kindness, respect, care, or concern), perhaps you shouldn’t say anything at all.

  • Treat others how you would want to be treated.

  • Bullying anyone is never okay. Period.

Somehow on social media, it becomes easy to lambast someone from the safety of our computer with impunity. Many of us would never say the things we say on Facebook to someone face-to-face. We rally against bullying, hate, and discrimination in our social circles all the while we are bullying, hating, and discriminating against others online.

Share how you feel —your personal emotional experience. When this happened, it made me feel (fill in the blank.) Share your individual perspective, but be careful to avoid criticism, condemnation, defensiveness, and sarcasm.

Belittling statements, broad judgments, name-calling, and insidious corrections of someone else’s opinion as if we were elected to be the righteous police —these serve only to destroy. They not only destroy our opponent, they destroy us.  They form a cancer of bitterness that infects us slowly from the inside out. Worse yet, they will destroy our relationships. Ultimately, they will destroy our nation.

Be fair-minded.

If you are going to hop on your bandwagon about the atrocities on one side of the political aisle, you should also be willing to speak out against the atrocities in your own party.

We have become masters at victimization. We are well-schooled at claiming offenses, inciting outrage, and denouncing the opposition on issues that are important to us. All the while we remain stunningly silent on offenses that are equally egregious and shameful, simply because they don’t fit our agenda.

If we are truly speaking from a place of justice, then we should seek justice for all. That means that we speak up for our black brothers and sisters, that we denounce all forms of hatred. It also means that we speak up against corruption, division, hateful rhetoric, all forms of bigotry and violence, no matter where it arises, whether it is convenient to our cause or not.

Listen first.

Truly listen. Listen to understand, not to correct, rebut, or defend. There is a personal experience behind every opinion, an honest story behind every belief that we should seek to access, lean into, and be curious about. Stop trying to win the argument. Perhaps winning comes more from hearing and considering another’s perspective. It is here that God can enlarge and expand our hearts, shattering the rigid confines of our myopic experience.

We will never solve the great woes of this land by trying to shame, annihilate, or subjugate the other side. The other side isn’t going away and they are not changing their minds, no matter how much you may want them to. Our country is trembling. She is crying out for each of us to lay down our weapons and work together. Pray together. Listen to each other. Really listen.

Are you tired of the hate on social media? Here are 5 simple rules for men, women, individuals, and teens , for sharing effectively online.Are you tired of the hate on social media? Here are 5 simple rules for men, women, individuals, and teens , for sharing effectively online.

Are you tired of the hate on social media? Here are 5 simple rules for men, women, individuals, and teens , for sharing effectively online.

In the end, we will only move forward if we move together. We can, we must. Stop waiting for someone else to take the first step, let’s each decide that we are the first step. We will get there, one step at a time. God is faithful.

Sometimes when we feel like the chaos is too consuming and we are becoming our worst selves, God steps in and creates pivotal moments where we can choose to be our best selves, to be who God created us to be. To love, to serve, to do daily as Micah 6:8 (NIV) exhorts us…

To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our God.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

16 Comments

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Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Six Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From PornSix Steps Parents Can Take To Protect Their Teens From Porn

Today’s post comes from our “Ask Lisa” feature, where readers submit questions they would like for me to address in an upcoming post. Anonymous writes, We recently caught our oldest son engaging in "stuff" online. Looking for some basic advice and help for our son.If you have a subject you would like me to address in the future, please submit your question here.

We don’t talk about it a lot. It is the silent epidemic that affects both adults and teens. It’s pornography. Many say it is not “if” someone you love will struggle with it, it is “when.” These days, the struggle with porn isn’t just limited to males. Recent studies show a dramatic increase in pornography usage in both women and adolescent girls.

Sad, huh? A 2014 Barna Group survey revealed the following demographic data regarding pornography use by American adults:

  • Among males 18-30 years old, 79% viewed pornography once per month and 63% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

  • Among males 31-49 years old, 67% viewed pornography once per month and 38% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

  • Among females 18-30 years old, 34% viewed pornography once per month and 19% viewed pornography more than once per week.

  • Among females 31-49 years old, 16% viewed pornography once per month and 8% viewed pornography greater than once per week.

A recent survey of American young people revealed that 51% of males and 32% of females claimed to have viewed pornography for the first time before they were 13 years old.  Thirteen years old! In a 2012 Australian study of pornography use, men who were frequent pornography users said their first exposure was between the ages of 11 to 13 years old.  A 2009 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 85% of adolescent males and 50% of adolescent females had been exposed to pornographic material. These are our babies, our precious children. This is not just someone else’s issue.

Many say, Boys will be boys. What’s the big deal?—right? Wrong.

Pornography is having a profound affect on our teens. Science shows that exposure to violent pornography is associated with sexually aggressive behaviors in both adolescent and adult males. For young people, one study found that viewing sexually explicit web sites increased the likelihood of having more than one sexual partner. Porn also increased the likelihood of using alcohol and drugs during sexual activity. 

Now we are seeing a direct linkage between teenage sexting —the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages or e-mails using a mobile device— and pornography exposure.  Many female teens who view pornography find themselves in relationships where they are exploited by their partner, feeling coerced to participate in sexual acts that they object to.

Dr. David Berry in TheJournal of Pediatrics noted the research of Bryant D. Zillman, reporting,

Pornography use by teens and young adults often leads to a distorted view of sexuality and its role in fostering healthy personal relationships.  These distortions include the overestimation of the prevalence of sexual activity in the community, the belief that sexual promiscuity is normal, and the belief that sexual abstinence is unhealthy.  These perspectives are likely to make it more difficult for young people to form lasting, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, which ultimately results in more anxiety, depression, and overall life dissatisfaction.

The negative impact isn’t just for today, either. Pornography will have a negative effect on our teens later when they marry, creating unrealistic expectations for spouses and developing a reliance on heightened excitement and adrenaline spikes that normal sexual relationships cannot provide. The fantasy associated with porn causes individuals to lose interest in their spouses, forming a cycle of conflict and distance with their husbands or wives.

Parents need to understand the negative impact widespread use of pornography is having on today’s children so we can help stop this destructive influence and do our best to protect our teens. Here are six things we can do today.

Monitor Mobile Devices

Though I personally don’t believe in teens having their own mobile devices, most teens today do have cell-phones, I-pads, I-pods, etc. Mobile devices are one of the most common ways teens are accessing porn. While many families have web filters installed on their home computers, filters for tablets and phones are much less common.

Instead of using web filters that are only installed on your family computer, try installing filters at the entry-point into your home. There are many options for routers that filter any and all internet devices in your home, as well as other similar options.

Make sure ALL phones, tablets, computers and other electronic devices have parental controls to help eliminate access to inappropriate material and make sure electronic devices are used in public spaces only. Isolation is a breeding ground for inappropriate activity, whether texting with friends or accessing pornography.

Review YouTube Ads and Related Videos

Most kids today spend a lot of time on YouTube. Even though Google, the parent company of YouTube, has announced they will no longer allow pornographic ads on their ad services, their idea of inappropriate often looks a lot different than mine. One of the best options is AdBlock Plus, which not only turns off related videos, but also filters out ads and other questionable content.

Control Streaming Services

If you are one of the millions of families who have signed up for Netflix, Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, beware. All of the new streaming services make it extremely easy for teens to access material they shouldn't. Parents, take the time to look into each service’s filters and set up the controls you need to keep your family safe.

Evaluate Kids' Friends and Schoolmates

Our teens’ friends can be extremely difficult to monitor and control. What do you do when one of your child's schoolmates exposes your son or daughter to pornography? It’s hard to filter out a friend. You can't keep your child locked away forever in order to keep them away from problem kids. 

The best prevention is to consistently instill in your children healthy Biblical principles of living a life honoring to God, having a strong enough sense of self to do the right thing even when no one else is looking, developing clear boundaries, and knowing what being a good friend looks like, even to those who are making poor choices.

Watch Out for Video games

Video games may seem harmless on the surface, but many have dangerous or inappropriate content inside. Regardless of the genre, it's important to be careful which games we allow in our homes. Parents must be proactive in determining which games you let your children play.

The ESRB rating system —"E for Everyone," "T for Teen," etc.— can be helpful, but even then parents need to use the ratings wisely. Sit down and play the games with your kids. Watch them play. Be certain their games comply with your family standards.

Oversee Apps like SnapChat, WhatsApp, Kik, and more

Apps are everywhere and our kids are finding new, more secretive ways of connecting than parents can keep up with. Don’t just assume that an app is safe or appropriate —investigate all of them. Have an ongoing conversation with your teens about what apps they use on their phones or tablets. Parents should have a no secret password policy where family members either forego the use of passwords on their devices or share their passwords with you, the parent.

As always, diligence is key. Parents need to take an inventory periodically of which apps your kids have downloaded, what they seem to spend most time on, and what the purpose or content of the app entails. If necessary, use a service like Screen Time Parental Controls which allows you to set time limits, block calls from strangers, and more.

What To Do If You Discover Your Teen Has Developed an Addiction to Porn

Sometimes we as parents find out about our child’s pornography usage and/or addiction after the fact. Please do not overlook the situation or think that because you have had the talk, everything is probably fine. It’s usually not.

Get your teen help. Find a good, Christian counselor that can work with them to understand and process through the distorted images they have seen, help them grow a strong sense of self built on strong core beliefs and values, assist them in developing healthy emotional regulation and impulse control, as well as identify the qualities of normal, healthy adult relationships.

Help your teen when they can’t help themselves. There are accountability programs like Covenant Eyes that will notify you and/or other accountability partners to help your teen stay safe. They can also benefit from support provided by SA groups for teens and other therapy groups.

At the end of the day, there's no perfect way to protect our children from the growing pornographic content they are bombarded with on a daily basis. What parents can do is be aware, be vigilant, be consistent, and be present.

LisaMurrayOnline.com-PeaceForALifetime-2.pngLisaMurrayOnline.com-PeaceForALifetime-2.png

Give your children and teens plenty of extra-curricular activities to help keep them invested in positive outlets. Instill in them the need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Model for them an active, dynamic faith. Give them the gift of love. Most of all, give them the gift of prayer.

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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4 Comments

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

The demise of fairness and the ability to tell the good guys from the bad ones

I often think back to the 90’s with a feeling of nostalgia for a decade that seemed as hopeful as it was prosperous. As an idealist right out of college, I listened to Paula Cole’s famous song and believed that most of us were cowboys —that we understood the ideals of right and wrong, and measured out justice, like John Wayne, with impartiality and integrity. That’s what I believed back then, anyways.

I was quite the dreamer in those days. Like all the good western movies, life seemed a little more clear-cut, more uncomplicated somehow. As I looked around I felt in my heart we were all on the same team, rooting for the same cause, our great American dream. We could easily tell the good guys from the bad guys and we were thrilled to see the good guys come riding in on their gallant white horses to save the day. To bring the bad guys to justice. It all seemed so simple.

Who are the good guys?

As I have witnessed the combined narratives of mainstream media, Facebook threads, and general water-cooler conversation these days, I find myself asking, Where have all the cowboys gone? How did we arrive at this place where our country is less important than our party, and where justice is seen only through the lens of an elephant or donkey?

I speak not against a particular party, but against an insidious trend in culture that is pitting us all against each other. Dividing us. Destroying what made this little experiment of a country so special in the first place.

We act less like Americans and more like spectators at a boxing match, waiting with baited breath for any sign of weakness, any notion that our guy is getting ready to land the final knockout blow. Where our guy is hailed the champion and the other is resigned to a dark corner of the locker room.

It appears our moral indignation and righteous anger ends at the door of our party affiliation. We become suddenly, strangely quiet when our guy takes a hit, or stumbles and falls. We jeer with a foaming anticipation at the missteps of someone, anyone, as long as they are on the other team.

We are no longer fair-minded. No longer wise. No longer models of Christ’s character. We as Believers should never be known more for our political positions than we are known for our faith, our character, our integrity.

We should be the cowboys—the model for those above the fray, who are fair-minded, with a solid standard for character and integrity. We should be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys and be willing to hold all of the bad ones to account.

Here are few questions to consider:

  • Are our standards held equally for those in power?

Romans 3:23 (NIV) states, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:10-12 (NIV) adds, There is no one righteous, not even one.

  • Are we open to consider the failings of everyone impartially, even those on our side, so to speak?

James 2:1 (ESV) tells us, My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.

James 3:17 (ESV) goes on to state, But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

  • Can we be slow to speak, quick to listen, and fair in judging the words and actions of others, regardless of their party affiliation?

Micah 6:8 (ESV) says, He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Romans 2:11 (ESV) declares that, God shows no partiality.

Exodus 23:1-33 (ESV) further asserts, You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit. “If you meet your enemy's ox or his donkey going astray, you shall bring it back to him. If you see the donkey of one who hates you lying down under its burden, you shall refrain from leaving him with it; you shall rescue it with him. ...

  • Do we care more about our side winning than righteousness prevailing?

Proverbs 21:3 (ESV) tells us, To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

  • Do we care more about proclaiming our perspective than we do proclaiming the name of Jesus?

Mark 12:28-31 (ESV) shares, And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Hebrews 6:10 (ESV) reminds us that, God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do.

Challenging Our Better Selves

The truth is, one side is not all bad, nor is the other side all good.  

Matthew 7:3-5 admonishes us, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

We should stand up for what is right, no matter who is in office. We should be sad when anyone falls or stumbles. Whether they have a “D” or an “R” next to their name, we should want wrongdoers to be held accountable for their words and actions. The hypocrisy of selective moral outrage has to stop—if we want our country, our communities, or our relationships to survive and thrive.

Could we all take a breath and remember not only who we are, but Whose we are? The world around us is watching. Are we just as angry, outraged, cynical, and vitriolic, as everyone else out there? Can we speak our perspective from a place of respect, fairness, openness, and consideration of all? Do we know what our values, beliefs, and moral expectations are or do we define them based on what someone else is doing/not doing?

We really need to think, my friends. We need to examine our idea of fairness, our idea of justice. We need to consider how we tell the good guys from the bad guys. Consider who we are, and who we want to be. I don’t know about you, but I want to be a cowboy.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

4 Comments

23 Comments

An Open Letter To Ms. Hatmaker and Anyone Who Feels Lost In Good Friday

An Open Letter To Ms. Hatmaker and Anyone Who Feels Lost on Good FridayAn Open Letter To Ms. Hatmaker and Anyone Who Feels Lost on Good Friday

Ms. Hatmaker,

My heart breaks as I read your Good Friday blog, entitled, My Saddest Good Friday in Memory: When Treasured Things are Dead. Throughout the years, I have enjoyed many of your posts, your casual plain-speaking style sprinkled with a dash of humor for a world that takes itself a little too seriously, perhaps.

Reading your post today, your words are pregnant with so much pain that my instinctive response is to wrap my arms around you as you grieve. I cannot imagine the sting of rejection that you have experienced, nor can I envision as you describe, being on the wrong side of religion. You go on to state, it was soul-crushing. I suffered the rejection, the fury, the distancing, the punishment, and sometimes worst of all, the silence.

Cruelty, whether it is found in the world or in the church, is never an acceptable response to a fellow Christian, even if we disagree.  In response to that I can only say I am sorry. I feel tremendous compassion for you in this season on your journey. You are right when you say that for each of us in life, every Good Friday has, a different tone, a different sense of perspective, and that, Good Friday is about death, even a necessary death.

I can sense in your frail disillusionment, your political disappointment, a sincere faith struggling to find its footing again. I pray you do find your footing again. I pray that your heart finds healing and wholeness as it discovers God’s purpose in this season of your life.

What I want you to know is that while much of your distress is aimed at the Christian machine, I don’t think the Christian machine is the cause of your pain. I am no fan of much in the business of Christianity or the brand-building that occurs in the name of Jesus, but that is not how I perceive the sequence of events that led to your pain.

Your pain, it seems, came from your decision to use your platform to begin speaking out against essential Biblical doctrine to which the majority of the evangelical community adheres. When anyone makes a decision to go outside of essential doctrine and begins to state positions that are in opposition to that doctrine and in addition, in opposition to Scripture, then the Christian community cannot remain silent, cannot support, cannot sit idly by while these truths are distorted, contradicted, or even denied.

Yet in saying this, instead of the cruelty you experienced, I wish the leaders in your life would have lovingly and graciously taken you aside to speak truth to you, and to bring to you the kind of spiritual accountability we all need. Romans 2:4b (NIV) tells us, God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance.

I wish those who were the cause of your tsunami of terror could have expressed their disappointment, their sorrow, in the manner of a true Christ-follower.

We are not to bury the truth for the sake of love, nor are we to forsake love in our pursuit of the truth.  We are to hold truth and love together, in the manner of our Savior.Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) says that, Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Scripture is clear, we are not to judge others. One look at Matthew reveals that we should not condemn, malign, or destroy another individual. We should treat everyone with the same love we were shown by God.

Matt 7:1-2 (NIV) tells us, Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

We were all created in the image of God. We are each wholly and divinely loved by God. Our worth was settled at our creation. In judging another’s character, value, or inherent worth, we judge and condemn our own. We should do our best to show honor and respect to others, whether we agree with them or not, whether they judge us or not.  

Still, Scripture is equally clear that we as Believers should judge (discern, declare, assess) that which is right or wrong. We are to distinguish between that which is righteous and congruent with the Word of God, and that which is in error or rebellion to God.

Yes, we are to judge – the behavior, not the person. I will never call sin un-sin. I will never, whether mine or another’s, applaud the willful rejection of that which is true, noble, and of good report. I will never call wrong right. I cannot.

John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

[clickToTweet tweet="John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment." quote="John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment."]

Colossians 1:9(NIV) shares, For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives.

Amos 5:14-15 tells us to, Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.

2 Timothy 4:2 (NIV) states that we should, Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

Our Christian community is being shred into a thousand little pieces. The enemy is coming after us to destroy us. The Word of God is the only thing that can give us a common foundation, that can hold us together, that can keep us strong in the face of such cultural and spiritual opposition.

Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. His truth doesn’t bend or pretend based on popularity or fame. It doesn’t cater to, nor does it sanctify tickling rhetoric or political agendas just to be en vogue. God is love, yet He is at the same time holy, righteous, and just. He is beautiful and unequalled. He has made a way for each of us to escape the consequence of our broken, sinful nature —His name is Jesus. He died for you and me. He can heal the deepest heartaches and mend our broken, wayward ways. He is good and yes, He is God.

Please know that as a Believer, I don’t have the freedom to pick and choose the tenets of my faith. If anything puts itself in opposition to the Word of God that has been studied by great theologians, pastors, and evangelists for thousands of years, then I must evaluate it and reject it.

I hate that your heart feels like it has been scorched to ashes, as you describe your anguish. I pray that your heart finds healing in Jesus’ presence. I pray your spiritual and emotional wounds are bound up with the salve of God’s love and truth in a way only He can provide.

While we may disagree on certain things, I pray for your healing, your blessing, and your renewal. Even though we have never met, I pray you know you are loved, and I believe this season doesn’t have to be a forever Good Friday for you. I pray that Sunday comes in your heart and that you find new life, new light as He seeks to conquer death in our lives.

His truth and His love can make all things new. Cling to both of them. Surround yourself with Godly men and women of the Word. I will hope for you. I will pray for you. And I will watch with you for the angel on the tombstone.

 


About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

23 Comments

Comment

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

So here's the thing— Joanne Kraft isn't an ordinary southern girl.  Joanne is a California transplant to the hills of Tennessee, and she's got a powerful message for all parents out there — you can turn a "mean mom's" parenting into amazing children.  She knows.  She's got four kids of her own.  She writes and speaks around the country and I'm thrilled to have my dear friend  join the "Peace For A Lifetime" Community today!  

 

Like the rest of the free world, I’m disgusted by what’s happening. Our political climate is like watching a bunch of toddlers without naps.  

 

I’ve turned off the TV. Stopped going on Facebook and pretty much anything that allows me to see or hear this insanity.

 

We’ve lost the art of conversation and respect for other people’s views.

 

We’re just not willing to listen anymore.

 

How disrespectful is that?

 

Faith…teaches us not merely to tolerate one another, but to respect one another–to show regard to different views and the courtesy to listen. –George W. Bush, Inaugural Address 2001

 

Teaching Your Child To Listen

 

 “My daughter just doesn’t respect me. What can I do? She shouts at me and doesn’t listen to a word I say.”

 

This is the question I get most. Parents want to know how to instill respect in their children—especially when having a conversation.

 

Let me ask you this, it’s a question that will answer alot…

 

How do you model conversation with someone who believes differently than you do?

 

How do you act when your husband and you disagree? How do you talk about him when he’s not around? What about your mother-in-law? How do you talk about her? How do you act when you don’t get your way?

 

It matters.

 

Toddlers who throw tantrums become adults who do the same if we don’t teach them another way.

 

Kids want to be heard. They want to know their thoughts and ideas matter.

 

Adults do, too.

 

The problem is, when you’re raising kids there can only be one government and that government is called Mom and Dad.

 

It’s actually more like a benevolent dictatorship.

 

How Our Kids Talk Around The Dinner Table

 

I believe the best parents raise kids into adults who use logic and respect to share their beliefs and opinions and then LISTEN to ours.

 

When our kids were all little and around our kitchen table at night, they shared in the conversation with thoughts and ideas and stories that didn’t always make sense to us.

 

Still, we listened.

 

As they grew older, their ideas got a little kooky sometimes. (Teenagers, remember?) So, we’d engage with logic and truth. We’d ask them follow up questions, “Who told you that? Why do you believe that source? Do you know anyone else who had this experience?”

 

That sort of thing.

 

 

Respecting another person is simply admitting that God is big enough to love him or her just as much as he loves me. –Stephen Arterburn

 

There is much freedom of thought in our home and if anything, we taught them to be strong in what they believed. To have an answer that made sense and was factual was encouraged. If they spouted off with rhetoric we held them accountable and asked them to think critically about what they just said. Critical thinking is lacking in so many parenting classes these days. .

 

Parents walk a fine line between teaching respect and response.  We teach a child to respect the higher office of “parent” and instruct them to respond in a way that will be heard.

 

I make sure my kids understand their words carry a whole lot more weight if they are respectful with their delivery.

 

Why?

 

Because tantrums don’t work.

 

Name calling doesn’t work.

 

Shouting down Mom and Dad will never persuade us.

 

Ever.

 

Here’s a few things you can do to build teach your child the art of respectful conversation:

 

Teach them to use their words.  Speaking just to shout or cry is not helpful. Sharing feelings is important, so start there.

 

Teach your child to listen. Stand or sit eye to eye with your child and take turns talking and listening, especially listening.

 

Acknowledge their feelings/words. “I think I heard you say that you’re not ready for a nap.” Or, “What you’re telling me is that you’re frustrated with your curfew and want to stay out later.” It’s important a child knows they’ve been heard.

 

It’s not personal. When their words do not persuade you to change your mind, make sure you remind them it’s not personal. I’d say something like, “You just explained yourself perfectly. I understand a lot better now why you want a later curfew. I really do, but I also have something you don’t yet have—adult perspective. I can see a bigger picture than just the curfew. I know you may not understand why I’m still not persuaded—but know this, I appreciate how you shared your heart with me and I love you very, very much.”

 

 

Respect is a character trait for success.

 

Why is respect so important?

 

Because, how my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and eventually their spouses.

 

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My kids are taught to respect all positions of authority but most importantly all people, period. There’s a difference between respecting a person and respecting their office or position.

 

I teach this because I was taught this by my own parents.

 

My Lesson In Respect Began In High School

 

My sophomore year in high school I had an algebra teacher who grabbed me by my jacket and sat me down in my chair.

 

A total jerk, right?

 

Okay, I may have been getting a D in the class and I may have been a bit chatty–my memory is a bit cloudy…

 

My three-tours-in-Viet-Nam-USMC-father called said teacher and gave him the “what for” and I silently listened from the family room.

 

Thinking to myself, Woohoo! Dad’s on my side!

 

When he got off the phone I overheard him tell my mom how much he didn’t respect the guy. Then he called for me, “Joanne!”

 

I almost skipped into the kitchen.

 

“I just spoke with your teacher. He won’t help you sit in your chair anymore. And, you’re on restriction for two weeks until we see your grade is up in his class.”

 

“What!? But Dad, I thought I heard you just tell Mom you didn’t like him?”

 

“I may not like him but he’s your teacher and from what he just shared with me, you’ve not been the best student in his class and your grade reflects that.”

 

The position my teacher held was to be respected. While I never respected my teacher personally, I was taught I could tolerate a lot when I didn’t like someone–even where algebra was concerned.

 

Teach your child to respect a position if they can’t respect a person. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17" quote="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17"]

 

This is how my kids have been able to have conversations and even friendships with people from China, India, Russia, Australia, Africa, and not just other cultures but other belief systems; agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and more.

 

I have to constantly remind myself my kids are watching. What I model is what I’ll see. Instead of blocking bridges or shouting down someone who might think completely opposite of how I think and believe, I’m teaching my kids to engage in conversation and respect ALL people.

 

It’s this process where they’ll learn to love them, too.

 

Scriptures  About Respecting Others

 

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 " quote="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 "]

 

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

 

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

 

Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

 

A Little About Joanne

Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of  The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids and Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. She’s been a repeat guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN. Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, once lifelong Californians, moved their family to Tennessee. They’ve happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Website http://joannekraft.com/ 

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If you want to read more great posts about parenting, life and so much more, you'll definitely want to sign up for Joanne's blog!


Blessings,

Lisa

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The One Thing Missing From The Conversation Over Immigration

And why it’s destroying any hope of unity for our nation 

I have read many things the past few days on social media. I have witnessed honest distress and confusion as well as mass hysteria and vitriolic rage at the recent executive order on immigration from the Middle East.

 

I have heard the question posed, What would Jesus do?

 

I’ve read quotes from the Statue of Liberty, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, denouncing any wall that would keep anyone from entering our great country.

 

I understand the heartache. I do. It is hard to know how to love well, where to serve, and what to give of ourselves to others. We all struggle to balance our responsibility to our families and our children with our great love and compassion to the least of these who are in desperate need in every corner of the globe.

 

How do we live out the Micah 6:8 command to, “Act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?” Though it is a lifelong struggle, this is my guiding principle and the goal that I seek to model however imperfectly, and live out in my life.

 

Acting “justly” is defined by the King James Dictionary as, Conformity to law, justice or propriety; by right. The offender is justly condemned. The hero is justly rewarded, applauded or honored. 1. According to truth and facts. His character is justly described. 2. Honestly; fairly; with integrity; as, to do justly. 3. Properly; accurately; exactly. Mercy by definition implies, benevolence, tenderness, mildness, pity or compassion, and clemency, but exercised only towards offenders. Lastly, the term “humility” denotes, freedom from pride and arrogance; humbleness of mind; a modest estimate of one's own worth. In theology, humility consists in lowliness of mind; a deep sense of one's own unworthiness in the sight of God, self-abasement, penitence for sin, and submission to the divine will.

 

In this instance and in every situation in life, we will do well, we will find health as we seek to hold onto and pursue these three principles from Micah. Sadly, we live in a day of extremes. These extremes force us to believe the lie that if we hold one thing, that is the only virtue we can measure and pursue to the exclusion of all others. What is missing from our dialogue on immigration and on many other issues today is balance.

 

We are told often that if we are loving, we must only show love. We must cast aside any wisdom, any discernment, or justness. Likewise, we are taught that if we hold any virtues of truth, wisdom, etc., that we simply cannot be loving and compassionate, or show mercy to others. This is the great lie.

 

Dr. David Burns in his book “The Feeling Good Handbook,” a gold-standard in the field of psychology, discusses the danger of cognitive distortions and teaches individuals how to recognize and neutralize extreme “all-or-nothing”, “black-or-white” thoughts, as well as overgeneralizations, so that we can become balanced in our thinking and move forward in our lives in a non-reactive, thoughtful, productive way.

 

Not only do we use cognitive distortions in our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us, we use them in our perceptions of God as well. At times inclined to view the attribute of God we favor or with which we feel the most comfortable, we find ourselves ignoring or distorting the totality of God’s nature and His character.

 

We like to think of God as love. We feel comfortable with this attribute of His character, and indeed, He is love. Yet Scripture is clear, that God is also equally holy, just, merciful, and righteous. We cannot take Him or His character out of context and discover any truth, health, or wisdom for our lives.

 

The question becomes, Can we be loving, caring, compassionate individuals and have wise, thoughtful boundaries at the same time?

 

Is love and compassion mutually exclusive from wisdom and discernment?

 

Scripture commands us to be loving, to care for our neighbors, to serve the least of these. My prayer is that as Christ-followers we would lead the way in reaching out to be the hands and feet of Christ within our churches, our families, and our communities. I pray that we would move past the empty rhetoric we so widely hear from those around us who are first to protest and last to serve, first to riot and last to put their love into action; that we would live out the Great Commission because it is the call of our Master and we will do our best to serve Him faithfully.

 

I also pray that God would give us wisdom in equal measure, so that we will know where our love and compassion can be best utilized. I pray for discerning hearts and minds so that we can become passionate and purposeful in using our energies to serve others. I pray that we can know when our love isn’t loving, when our love has turned into enabling, or has become dangerous to others and ourselves.  I pray we would in all of our actions, find the place where justice, mercy, and humility can exist and grow together.

 

Resist the temptation to abandon one virtue in our fervor for another. Find balance in your thoughts and your emotions as you pursue justness, mercy, and humility.

 

Matthew 10:16 (KJV) tells us, Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

 

We can do both. We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion. We can love wisely and well. We can. We must, if we are to find a path together, not only to heal the wounds of this great country, but to live out our life mission as Christ followers and spread the good news of salvation to every neighborhood and nation.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion." quote="We can hold the virtues of truth, justice, and wisdom together with love, mercy, and compassion."]

 

 

 

 

Blessings,

Lisa


About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.


About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Why Christians Should Lead The Way In Empowering Women

In celebration of women, I’ve been thinking about all of the amazing women who have both inspired and impacted my life in a multitude of ways.

 

I am so very thankful for women such as Queen Esther, Ruth, Rahab, Mary the mother of Jesus, Mary and Martha —all dynamic women whom are recorded in Scripture as being used mightily by God to accomplish His purposes in bringing us a Savior and spreading the good news of the gospel, even to my generation. I celebrate these women.

 

I am thankful for both the service and the writings of great women like Mother Teresa, Elizabeth Elliott, Hannah Whithall Smith, and Amy Charmichael (among countless others) whose very lives were powerful testimonies of undivided love and devotion to God.  They faithfully spread His gospel to the least of these through their love, their service, and their lives.  These women empowered and inspired millions of women like me and gave us a model for living out our faith, even in times like these.

 

I am eternally grateful for my mother, who fearlessly and relentlessly prayed for her family and cultivated a legacy of faith that has spread far and wide.  She has tirelessly taught hundreds of women about the Lord and has walked them to the foot of the cross to begin their journey of faith. She instilled in me a belief that with God, all things are possible.  She urged me to pursue Him and His calling on my life.  She told me that I could accomplish anything that God had called me to and she encouraged me every step of the way in finding my identity, my passion, and my purpose in Christ for my life. 

 

For my aunt who also taught me much about being an empowered woman, I am thankful.  She taught me that true power is displayed not so much in achieving, in acquiring, or in winning, but that the greatest power comes in serving others well.  She taught me about an unwavering devotion to the Lord and offering His love and compassion in the humblest of ways as a gift to anyone who crosses our path.

 

I am thankful as I look at my vast family tree and see the collective women of faith on every side, my aunts, my sister-in-law, and cousins - so many strong, mighty women, living their faith beautifully before us all.  I thank you for claiming this generation and the generations to come for God’s kingdom.  For all of you who have taught me, walked with me, and who have championed me, you are the women I celebrate today.  You are part of the tapestry and fabric of who I am.  You have made me wiser and stronger. You have made me better.

 

This is my call for any and all who desire to join me.  Whether you are my family, my sisters in Christ, my friends, or my neighbors, we will stand arm in arm, we will walk forward unapologetically with God’s truth on our lips, with love and compassion in our hearts, and with shoes shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. 

 

We will make a difference.  Not by screaming, fighting, or name-calling.  Not by any destruction, distraction, not by violence or any other human measure.  With God alone as our Master, we will empower the women in our families and communities to continue the legacy of faith.

 

As Micah 6:8 so simply states, “And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

 

Let us as women of faith love well, live well, and lead well.

 

Are you in?

 

 

Blessings,

Lisa


About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.


About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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The One Thing We Need Most In Times Like These

I’ve been stressed lately. Really stressed. The air around me feels tense, the ground uneven, the future highly uncertain. Watching the news can send my blood pressure skyrocketing. I find myself seeking respite in Little House On The Prairie reruns just to take my mind off of everything that is swirling around me.

Because my inner wellbeing is a high priority for me, I can tell when something tips me off balance.   I don’t like this place. I don’t like the agitation, the irritability. I don’t like the anger that stews inside as I read through social media posts or supposed news articles. It makes me not “me.”

I think most of us feel this way at times. In different ways, for different reasons, we all can feel the hurt, the overwhelm, the despair that life can measure out with equal parts liberality and impunity. We have each at some point been backed into the corner of heartache and left wondering where we go to find healing? Where can we turn to find relief? Is there any hope that there is something to bind up what is so terribly broken between us as friends, neighbors, communities, and as a nation?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I cannot live in this kind of distress. I cannot live in this anxious unpeace, in the absence of my calm, present strength. This kind of muffled chaos takes too great a toll on my heart and keeps me from being who God created me to be, from fulfilling what God purposed in me. From my desperate need for peace.

So if I’m honest, whether it is in relationships, in business, in seasons of political tumult, I have found only one remedy to keep my sanity. One prescription that prevents the callouses from thickening around the edges of my heart and planting bitter seeds of rage deep in the bottom of my soul.

I pray.

I pray for the person who hurt me, who abandoned me in my time of need. I pray for the ones who offered shame in my distress and judgment in my brokenness. I pray for people who sometimes feel so foreign I can barely comprehend how we landed on this planet together. I pray for the angry who spew hatred everywhere. I pray for them. I call them by name.

For leaders I cannot understand and should not trust, for coworkers, for friends and enemies alike. I pray.

There is power that comes from the prayer of blessing.

I pray that they would have a life-altering, life-giving encounter with the cross of Jesus Christ, from whom ALL blessings flow. I pray that God Almighty would bless them beyond measure. I pray that He would cover them, anoint them, that He would multiply Heaven’s bounty in their lives. I pray for their children and their children’s children. That they would know they are loved. That they would know their worth, their value, that God would call them and use them for His purposes; that they would discover their unique calling and walk in it. I pray that they would be blessed and that God would fulfill His purposes for their lives. I pray that the heavens would open up, that their barns would be full and their hearts be rich. I pray that goodness, compassion, and kindness follow them in their work, their homes, and their lives.

How can this be, Lisa? you may ask. How can you pray blessing over someone who has abused you, grieved you, called you every name to mock and belittle you and your faith?

I pray, because it is in prayer, blessing in particular, that I am blessed. Prayer keeps the stain of resentment from searing itself to my heart. It is prayer that quells my disquieted and unsettled spirit. It is prayer that connects me to my friend, my spouse, my sibling, my neighbor and keeps us working together instead of prying us apart in disillusionment, hurt, and regret.

I pray because praying blessing connects me to myself and frees me to be “me.” Prayer allows me to live out my truest identity, my Belovedness. Praying blessing strengthens my soul spaces, multiplying my reservoir of compassion, of humility, of love. I pray because prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness. Yes, unforgiveness.

[clickToTweet tweet="Prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness. #prayer #healing" quote="Prayer releases me from any chains of offense, of hatred, or unforgiveness."]

More than anything, praying blessing connects me to my Abba, Father. It releases to Him all that straps me to this world of hurt and misunderstanding. Prayer surrenders all the things I cannot understand, much less control. It reminds me of what I hold dear, what not to lose sight of, and what just a little grace can do for a broken, sullied spirit.

In prayer I am set free.

[clickToTweet tweet="In prayer I am set free. #prayer #healing #freedom #faith" quote="In prayer I am set free."]

I wonder what might happen if we all, instead of posting our diatribes on Facebook in defense of a post we don’t like, prayed blessing over the person who posted? I wonder what our relationships could look like if we began praying blessing over our loved ones, even those with whom we may disagree? I wonder if somehow some of this bitter pill we’ve all been swallowing would ease a little and we could feel more like friends rather than foes. I’m tired of seeing others as foes. Are you?

Who do you need to pray blessing over today? Where are the stress points in your life and in your relationships? What obstacle stands in the way of prayer?

If you want to know more about prayer, my friend, Carolyn Dale Newell, has just written an exceptional devotional, “Incense Rising,” on the importance and impact of prayer. Carolyn is an amazing spirit, a talented writer, and a fellow journeyer. She has the gift of encouragement, and though she has completely lost her eyesight, she has never lost her faith.

I love this devotional because it not only teaches us about the various aspects and attitudes of prayer, it guides us through the practice of prayer and prepares us to do active, spiritual warfare on our knees. She writes about all the names of God, their history, and their meaning, so that we can begin using them to empower our prayer life. Throughout the book, she always leads us back to the Word as the source for our prayers.

No matter what situation you are in, no matter what struggle you face, “Incense Rising” will recharge an renew your prayer life and offer both substance and strength for you on your journey of faith.

[clickToTweet tweet="No matter what struggle you face, #IncenseRising will recharge an renew your prayer life! #prayer " quote="No matter what struggle you face, #IncenseRising will recharge an renew your prayer life! "]

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Let The Church Be The Church

An Open Letter To The Christian Community About Serving Those With Mental Illness

He came to live with us after a brief stay at a local psychiatric hospital. He needed a safe place to regroup and regain some semblance of stability. Over many months, his life had come haltingly unraveled and his hospital visit was the beginning of a new life with a new diagnosis.

His journey was a daunting one. The courage he displayed in facing his mental illness and finding his way back from the chaos to build a life of stability and hope was nothing short of inspirational. My heart aches to witness these beautiful, brave human beings fighting such a fierce and lonely battle.

Yet for many families dealing with mental illness within the Christian community, finding any kind of support or spiritual guidance can be challenging. Though I have been blessed to attend an incredibly strong and supportive church, according to Lifeway Research, most Protestant senior pastors (66 percent) seldom speak to their congregation about mental illness.

It is often common practice in churches to treat mental illness differently than other illnesses. Somehow we immediately assume there is something else, some deeper spiritual struggle causing the mental and emotional strain.

Maybe there is. But maybe there isn’t. We don’t automatically assume that someone with cancer is in sin or needs to be freed from a satanic attack. Why then do we label or minimize the legitimacy of mental illness?

LifeWay Research recently conducted a study on mental illness within the church and found that a third of Americans—and nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians—believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness. There are more than a few anecdotal stories from individuals in the church body who have been discouraged from taking psychotropic medications, some even being shamed for it, suggesting that seeking help for mental disorders represents spiritual weakness.

These teachings are disheartening because they prevent people from getting the help they desperately need. They also prevent the church from being what they were designed to be —the church.

Ed Stetzer noted, We can talk about diabetes and Aunt Mable’s lumbago in church—those are seen as medical conditions, but mental illness–that’s somehow seen as a lack of faith.

What the church needs to come to terms with and understand is that mental illness is not just a spiritual condition or weakness. These are real disorders with both biological and environmental causes. Those suffering shouldn’t be told to have more faith, to “get into the Word,” or to pray more. We would never say those kinds of things to those dealing with cancer, heart disease, or diabetes.

What those dealing with mental illness need most from the church is for us to be the hands and feet of Christ, ministering compassion, love and truth to a hurting world in need.

In Matthew 11:29 (NIV) Jesus says, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Jesus tells us that He is gentle and humble in heart. If we are to be His hands and feet, perhaps Jesus intends that we the church become gentle and humble in dealing with the mentally ill. He doesn’t intend for those in the body to add a heavier burden, but for us to be a safe refuge where the wounded and weary among us can find compassion and grace to strengthen them on their journey.

The church is well equipped to meet the needs of people in every kind of crisis. We are the first to arrive on the front lines of any disaster or war and the last to leave communities rebuilding after a crisis. We are generous beyond measure in our giving to individuals, organizations, and causes that routinely serve those in need. We know how to use the power of prayer to unleash the forces of heaven over any illness, relationship crisis, wayward child, or financial distress. We know how to care for people.

What would happen to those suffering from depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, or a host of other mental disorders if the body of Christ were to simply do the things we already know how to do so well?

We don’t have to cure those struggling with mental health issues. We shouldn’t feel compelled to fix them. Yet we can surely pray for them. We can walk with them. We can offer a meal, a ride, a cup of coffee, or a listening ear to them. Maybe we could babysit for them while they are at their counseling appointments. We in the church body could even begin a conversation about mental health needs that have been hidden in the shadows for far too long.

Churches need to become places where people feel welcomed to talk about their mental health. God wants the body to care for the whole person. and our emotional/mental struggles are such a huge part of our individual and collective journeys. Let’s share our struggles instead pretending they don’t exist. Let’s rejoice in our victories and grieve our relapses instead of judging them or quietly walking away. More than anything, let’s do this journey together. Isn’t that what we all need – to live and love, to serve and save, to rescue and reclaim our hearts together?

God loves all of His children. He has a purpose for each and every one. We should never need those who struggle with mental disorders to get “right,” so they can be used by God. Perhaps God wants to use them right where they are to teach us about perseverance, about courage, about faith. We would do well to learn and to listen.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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The Way Of Faith In a PC World

Lately I’ve been feeling a tug somewhere deep within me. Really, it’s more than a tug and I’ve been feeling it for a while now. 

It was subtle, almost imperceptible at first. Yet the pull between worshipping God or worshipping the god of political correctness has become more critical and demanding, bringing with it both conviction and consequences.

 

I have been a Christ follower since the age of thirteen. My faith has been my foundation and guiding force in life. It informs everything I do —every conversation, every choice, relationship, interaction. My faith has always taught me to be respectful, kind, compassionate…as Jesus was.

 

So when the media began encouraging us to watch our words, to be “non-offensive,” I eagerly obliged. No problem. The rhetoric appeared very much in line with my values as a Believer.

 

They called it “political correctness,” a term adopted in the late 1970’s by feminists and progressives, “ironically, as a guard against their own orthodoxy in social change efforts." Though it wasn’t used frequently until the latter part of the 20th century, the term has come to communicate a stronger social disapproval in more recent years than it did in its infancy.

 

It seemed benign. Political correctness is defined in modern usage as, language, policies, or measures which are intended not to offend or disadvantage any particular group of people in society. That sounds great, right? Who wants to offend or disadvantage?

 

With this new term came a new set of speech codes researched by University of Pennsylvania professor Alan Charles Kors and lawyer Harvey A. Silverglate that, mandate a redefined notion of ‘freedom,’ based on the belief that the imposition of a moral agenda on a community is ‘justified’, a view which, requires less emphasis on individual rights and more on assuring ‘historically oppressed’ persons the means of achieving equal rights.

 

The Subtle Surrender

 

So little by little, like the slow drip of a faucet, we were instructed by political and/or cultural forces on the areas we, the general public, were disrespecting or “offending” an individual or group. Whether it was through the names we used to identify ethnicities or groups of people, or whether it was in the laws passed to protect disadvantaged groups, we quietly acquiesced. No sense in making a big fuss, we thought.

 

When the elimination of God in our schools, communities, or public squares began and the ACLU began filing lawsuits at every statue, monument, or prayer in order not to offend anyone, we became slightly uncomfortable. We consoled ourselves with the notion that our values and beliefs were the foundation of our country and would surely never be dismantled. Why fight back? That’s not the “Christian” way. God is in control anyway, we quietly repeated.

 

Inside, I felt the pull. The pull between my faith and this new faith, this new religion. Religion, according to Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary is defined as,  A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices;
a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith.

 

Political correctness has become the religion of the 21st century. Its system of attitudes and practices, worshipped with as much devotion as any traditional religion, has transformed the landscape of American culture and infiltrated every aspect of society.

 

Throughout the years what began as a program fostering respect has become anything but respectful. Somewhere along the way, encouragements have become commands, and the rhetoric every day appears less tolerant and inclusive, more demanding and punitive. The delineation between love and hate would seem crystallized around one’s agreement or disagreement with established, modern dogmas or theologies.

 

Don’t agree with their agenda? You will be immediately labeled and denounced. Want to live in a way that honors traditional values and beliefs? You might just lose your job, your business, and you may be targeted with ridicule and condemnation.

 

There is coming a day friends, perhaps it has already arrived, when we who identify as Believers will have to choose. We will no longer be able to straddle the fence, we won’t be able to find a comfortable spot in the warm shade of grey. For the grey areas of life are shrinking rapidly.

 

As I’ve contemplated the tug in my heart, the increasing and unrelenting pressure inside, I’ve recognized that it is shaking me out of any dull, comfortable slumber in which I had previously existed. It is forcing me to face myself, face my God, and define in the clearest, strongest fashion my ‘faith manifesto,’ —the who, the what, my life is going to stand and how I am going to engage all people in a way that is congruent with my beliefs and values, that is born from my deepest commitment to God.

 

The Way of Faith

 

So here it is - as perfectly imperfect, at times broken and unsteady as the journeyer writing this can be. Yet hopefully this will give clarity and wisdom to my steps and my words for the days that lie ahead.

 

1.I will passionately live out my faith. I will follow God alone. I will lay hold of and live out my beliefs and values not through the media, the persuasion of public opinion, or the fear of ridicule. I will define the principles by which I live through the Bible and the Holy Spirit, who is my Comforter, my Teacher, my Counselor, my Encourager, my Friend.

 

Scripture says, If you love me, keep my commands. Though I will be an imperfect warrior, a broken and flawed vessel, my heart is to seek Him, worship Him, and serve Him above all.

 

2.  I will offer love. In the clinical world we use a term called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ What that means is that whoever walks through my door, wherever their background, whatever their color, conviction, or creed, I will show unconditional positive regard. I will see their humanity just as mine and will humbly and gratefully walk with them along their journey. The word ‘love’ means, a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; and unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

 

John 13:34 (NIV) says, A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

 

John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." quote="John 13:35 (NIV,) By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."]

 

3.  I will be a safe place. I don’t need everyone to agree with me. I am free to hold and live out my values and beliefs while being close to someone who may or may not be just like me. I don’t need others to validate my identity, spiritual or emotional. I don’t need others to make it ‘safe’ for me or my views, and still, as a consequence of my safety, I can offer safety to those with whom I am in relationship.

 

Scripture says, It is His lovingkindness that leads to repentance. In the counseling office, no one experiences transformation in a hostile, unsafe environment. It is the essence of safety that allows individuals to open themselves, their deepest wounds, and experience insight, light, and life.

 

4.  I will show respect. Respect is, an act of giving particular attention: consideration; high or special regard: esteem; the quality or state of being esteemed. Respect simply means I show others consideration, esteem, kindness. Respect is not offered as a reward for respect shown to me. I do my best to respect others because that is who I am. Christ-followers should be the model for transformed lives.

 

I Peter 2:17 encourages us to, Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. The second commandment from Mark 12:31(NIV) says that we are to, love our neighbor as our self. Be with your neighbor. Don’t isolate from them. Consider them. Help them. Respect them. Love them.

 

5.  I will not judge the person. We were all created in the image of God. We are each wholly and divinely loved by God. Our worth was settled at our creation. In judging another’s character, value, or inherent worth, I judge and condemn my own. I will do my best to show honor and respect to others, whether I agree with them or not, whether they judge me or not.  

 

Matt 7:1-2 (NIV) tells us, Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

 

6. I will judge behaviors. We all judge behaviors. It seems that a convenient and powerful tool of the PC culture has been to quote Matthew 7:1 that we should, judge not lest we be judged. Unfortunately, many who don’t fully understand Scripture remain silenced and/or sidelined by that passage. Scripture is clear that we should not judge (condemn the worth, value, or character of) another individual. And Scripture is equally clear that we as Believers should judge (discern, declare, assess) that which is right or wrong, that we are to distinguish between that which is righteous and congruent with the Word of God, and that which is in error or rebellion to God.

 

YES, we are to judge – the behavior, not the person. I will never call sin un-sin. I will never, whether mine or another’s, applaud the willful rejection of that which is true, noble, and of good report. I will never call wrong right. I cannot.

 

John 7:24 (ESV) offers, Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

 

Colossians 1:9(NIV) shares, For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives.

 

Amos 5:14-15 tells us to, Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.

 

2 Timothy 4:2 (NIV) states that we should, Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.

 

Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) offers, Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

 

Worshipping the god of political correctness is dangerous precisely because there is no concrete declaration of what their mission looks like in its entirety or when it will be accomplished. It is ever-evolving, always changing. PC will simply demand a little more, and a little more, until there are no moral absolutes, no sin, no aberrant, no abnormal, where there is no need for God, no need for redemption, no need for a Savior.

 

Matthew 6:24a (NIV) says, No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

 

Whom will you choose to worship? When it comes down to it, will you choose to worship Yahweh or the god of this age.

 

Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. His truth doesn’t bend or pretend based on popularity or fame. It doesn’t cater to, nor does it sanctify tickling rhetoric or political agendas just to be en vogue. God is love, yet He is at the same time holy, righteous, and just. He is beautiful and unequalled. He has made a way for each of us to escape the consequence of our broken, sinful nature —His name is Jesus. He died for you and me. He can heal the deepest heartaches and mend our broken, wayward ways. He is good and yes, He is God.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. " quote="Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) says, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. "]

 

The Good News

 

We have a choice and an opportunity. The good news is that the more polarized society becomes, there is less room for a casual faith, less space for half-hearted sentiment or generic tradition. The good news is that anytime, any place we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="The good news is that we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God." quote="The good news is that anytime, any place we can claim our faith and begin to pursue a passionate journey with God."]

 

Emotionally-abundant individuals know their spiritual and emotional identity and choose to live congruent with their beliefs and values. This gives strength, it provides meaning, it amplifies purpose. A “pick-and-choose faith” has no foundation and is destined for weakness and/or collapse.

 

As the tug between worshiping God or the god of political correctness becomes more uncomfortable and untenable, we have the opportunity to get off the sidelines of our faith. We can live out passionately a strong faith that embodies truth and love, is wrapped in compassion, respect, and kindness. True faith never advocates hatred- period.

 

Pastor Rick Warren beautifully summarizes this truth as he states,

 

Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.

 

Have you felt the tug? How is God challenging you to a stronger faith?

 

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.


About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Why Haters Need Better Boundaries

The election season is underway. If you live in the States, you’ve seen the ads, the debates, all analyzed by political pundits of every persuasion. Perhaps like me, you’ve seen heated arguments taking place on Facebook and wonder how people think it is permissible to share their perspectives in such an offensive and degrading way? 

These seasons seems to bring out the worst in us as human beings.

 

Over the months as I have waded through so much “spin” and political “talking points,” there is one focus that stands out, perhaps because of the psychotherapist in me. I am trained to view everything through the lens of emotional and spiritual health.

 

Though I may or may not agree with their political viewpoints, I can tolerate many different perspectives. Yet when I began to hear politicians and news media infer that the difference between the two political parties is “love” vs. “hate,” that anyone who believes in the rule of law is a racist or a hater, uncompassionate and cruel, that begins to raise my dander a bit.

 

The argument seems to be, if you want to be compassionate or show love to someone, you are allowed no boundaries. Likewise the logic follows that if you have any boundaries, you are mean-spirited and hate-filled. Nothing could be further from the truth, not just from a religious perspective, but from a psychological and emotional perspective as well.

 

A few months ago I wrote an article about the dangers of enabling others and how we can maximize peace in all of our relationships. You can read the article here.  

 

One of the most fundamental building blocks in relationships is boundaries.

 

Our world was designed with boundaries. Every cell in your body has a cell wall that differentiates and protects the cell, allowing that cell to serve its role as part of the whole. Every organ in your body has a physical boundary that allows them to perform their vital function working together to keep the body working properly. If our bodies had no physical or cellular boundaries, they would be a chaotic mess that would not conducive for maintaining life.

 

Boundaries don’t equate with hate.

 

Boundaries are not bad. They are good. Boundaries help define where we end and others begin. They help identify what is our responsibility and what is another’s responsibility. They give clarity, purpose, and wisdom.

 

I even have a chapter in by new book, Peace For A Lifetime, devoted to boundaries. You can learn more about my book here.

 

I want to challenge you that the very essence of emotional health or “differentiation” as we call it, is the ability to hold onto ourselves, our viewpoints, our identity, our beliefs and values, while being close to those who may or may not be just like us.

 

Boundaries free me from forcing another to abandon themselves to me;  they also free me from being forced to abandon myself to them in a relationship.

 

Tom Whitehead, a therapist and researcher offered, “A well-functioning boundary system leads to a healthy, fulfilling life. But dysfunctional boundaries leave us vulnerable and disorganized, incapable of coping with life’s simple problems.”

 

Families have boundaries, companies have boundaries, nations should and do have boundaries. Our nation’s boundaries are called laws. Laws are a necessary part of every civilization and prevent the country from descending into chaos and anarchy. Laws are written and enforced to protect its citizens and ensure safety within the country’s borders.

 

And yes, Jesus had boundaries. He knew when it was purposeful to minister and when it was not. He knew when He needed to withdraw to spend time alone with the Father. He was unafraid to call out religious leaders or prostitutes about their sin. Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love." quote="Jesus was not a hater. He spoke the truth in love. He didn’t bend the truth for love."]

 

Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse." quote="Love without boundaries is chaos. Boundaries without love is abuse."]

 

Where Two Roads Meet

 

It is critical to understand that it is possible and I would say, necessary, for us as individuals and as a nation learn to do both —to hold our boundaries with compassion and love. This is the place where two roads meet. This is the perfect example of Jesus. This is not hate-filled, racist, or anything other than Emotional Abundance. In fact, the better-equipped we are at drawing healthy boundaries, the greater our capacity to show love and compassion to others.

 

Are you able to discipline your children with both compassion and consequences?

 

Are you able to love family members, even though you disagree with them?

 

Is it difficult for you to show respect and kindness while drawing boundaries in order to protect or keep your family safe?

 

Do you find it hard to listen to another person’s perspective without becoming enraged and losing yourself in the argument?

 

Do you shy away from speaking your perspective for the sake of keeping the peace?

 

Find one person this week with whom you can listen, engage, and respect even though they may have differing opinions, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Begin to recognize moments where you begin to escalate. Why are you escalating? Would it be possible to calm yourself and keep yourself safe right in that moment?

 

I believe strongly that healing for our country will come only when we stop talking AT one another, berating and demonizing one another, and begin sitting WITH one another. This allows us to nurture a greater amount of respect for those with whom we disagree.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Healing will come only when we stop talking AT one another and begin sitting WITH one another. " quote="Healing will come only when we stop talking AT one another and begin sitting WITH one another. "]

 

It really comes down to us.

 

Will you make your goal this political season to refrain from name-calling, belittling, and demonizing others and instead try to learn a little about their story and why they believe the way they do?

 

Agree to disagree in love. Hold your beliefs and values with compassion for others.

 

In the end, our nation will be the one who wins. Our neighborhoods will win.  In the end, maybe it's all of us who will win.  Will you join me?

 

If you haven't joined our community on Facebook, I would LOVE to have you be a part of our little online family!

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I live with my husband just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.


About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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How Technology Could Be Hurting Your Wellbeing

Tips for maximizing technology while minimizing the pain - literally!

In the months leading up to the launch of my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I was doing more writing and computer work than normal. The process of platform building and marketing can be both demanding and time-consuming.

Several weeks ago I started noticing my shoulder aching. My entire left arm began to tingle through my elbow all the way down to my fingers.

I didn’t think much of it. I am not ill often. I simply kept pressing on in spite of the pain. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better. In fact, it only grew worse finally sending me to the chiropractor.

After initial x-rays and examination, I was told that my neck, which should be curved, is actually straight. Three discs in my neck were mostly immobile. Not a good diagnosis, as the chiropractor described.

What I didn’t know is that throughout our entire lives, our body uses these curves as shock absorbers. The curves help us to balance and move. When viewed from the side, the body should have three distinct curves – one in the neck, one in the mid back and one in the lower back.

The curve in the neck is considered the most important, and has been referred to as the arc of life. This is a term coined by a neurosurgeon due to the importance of the cervical curve and the structure it protects – your nervous system.

It turns out that my blogging and social media habits have placed my neck in a downward position, which has contributed to my considerable neck pain. I am not alone. “It is an epidemic or, at least, it’s very common,” Hansraj, chief of spine surgery at New York Spine Surgery and Rehabilitation Medicine, told The Washington Post. “Just look around you, everyone has their heads down.”

youth-texting

Research has shown multiple severe health-issues related to the loss of the cervical curvature. Multiple studies have shown that a loss of this curve reduces lung capacity by up to 30%; decreased lung capacity has been linked to COPD, heart disease and cancer.  

Abnormal posture can cause organ disease, muscle tension, increased sensitivity to pain and weakened immune system. Loss of cervical curve can also result in loss of balance, dizziness, overall poor health, headaches, pain, numbness, weaknesses and decreased quality of life.  It can also inhibit the release of endorphins, which can have a negative impact on our moods and sense of happiness and wellbeing.  

Scientists suggest the major factor in the rise of “text-neck,” as they have named it, is the enormous increase in technology usage throughout the day. Smartphone users spend an average of two to four hours per day hunched over, reading e-mails, sending texts or checking social media sites. That’s 700 to 1,400 hours per year people are putting stress on their spines, according to the research.

According to The Wireless Association, texting statistics have increased astronomically.  In June 2006 in the USA, there were 12.5 billion texts sent monthly.  By June 2011, that number grew to 196.9 billion.  Clearly, this problem isn’t going anywhere. Who knew?

Since our physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing are so intricately connected, it is vital that we are aware of and care for our physical health. If you use your computer often or are on your electronic devices, here are some practical tips to avoid “text-neck” and help keep your wellbeing in tip-top shape.

  • Get the app - Florida chiropractor, Dr. Dean Fishman actually created a “Text Neck” app for the Android, which offers “immediate real time feedback” about whether your standing in the correct posture, indicated by a green or red light. There’s also an optional vibration or beep reminder, when you lapse into bad habits. Best of all, according to the doctor, it actually tracks and scores your slouching/standing patterns.

  • Raise the phone - Move your cell phone (and other devices) to eye level so your head doesn’t have to be tilted.

  • Take frequent breaks - Spend some time away from the phone—or any type of head-forward posture. Remember to change positions when texting—lying on one's back is an excellent way to relieve pressure on the neck.

  • Stand up straight - Good posture, with the shoulders pulled back, keeps the body aligned in a neutral position.

  • Arch and stretch - Arch the neck and upper back backward periodically to ease muscle pain.

  • Stay fit - A strong, flexible back and neck are better able to handle extra stress.

We are only given one body. I know we will all increasingly use technology as a means of connecting with and engaging the world around us. Yet if we can become aware of and implement a few things to help our bodies, we will in fact be helping our souls. We will be building a strong physical foundation that will empower us to live abundantly —physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We can all cultivate more balance in our lives, which is essential if we are going to achieve our goals or experience the abundant life we desire. Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace.

[clickToTweet tweet="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace." quote="Physical wellbeing is one piece of the puzzle that will help you on your journey towards peace."]

References:

  • Lee S, Kang H, Shin G. Head flexion angle while using a smartphone. Ergonomics. 2015;58(2):220-226.

       •  Hansraj KK. Assessment of Stresses in the Cervical Spine Caused by Posture and Position of the Head.                Surgical Technology International. 2014;11(25):277-9.

Blessings,

Lisa

About Lisa

Lisa is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. Her online community lisamurrayonline.com provides a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, Lisa is just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. She has fallen passionately in love with the journey and believes it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While she grew up in the Florida sunshine, she and her husband now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In her new book, Peace for a Lifetime, Lisa Murray shares the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lisa discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through Lisa and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Join our community on Facebook: Lisa Murray!

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Three Ways Contempt is Polluting Politics

 This political season has reminded me of none other in its sheer viciousness. The art of attacking has reached epic proportions. The candidates do it. The pundits do it. We do it. If any of us conducted ourselves in person as we feel emboldened to do on social media, we’d be out of a job and perhaps out of friends.

 

We deserve more from each other.

 

My disappointment comes down to the one word that destroys all relationships, even relationships across political maps and perspectives: contempt.

 

We’re Armed and Ready For Battle

 

I see three ways contempt is not only polluting politics, but destroying any unity that historically has bound us together, even in the midst of our differences.

 

  1. Contempt damages respect. Where there is no respect, there is little room for mutuality or common ground. We throw polite, even religious bombs from the safety of our computer keyboard without acknowledging the sincere, if different beliefs of those reading. We don’t see the explosion on the other side of the screen as others read our words. We don’t see the anger and resentment that builds inside as a result of our disrespect and contempt. We can hold our beliefs and values. We can share them openly without using contempt as a means to make us feel like we are winning. We are not winning. No one is winning.
  2. Contempt kills safety. Both sides show contempt. Both sides hurl insults, call names. Calling names will completely destroy any safety in our relationships. Yet we feel empowered to do so because we routinely see our candidates, pundits, and leaders spewing hate-filled aspersions toward anyone with whom they disagree. My mother used to tell me that smart people had better vocabularies and could find better words to describe their differences. Calling names was prohibited in our home as vulgar and disrespectful. Yet in the current political climate contemptuous name-calling has proliferated in its routine and acceptance. Weren’t we taught better?
  3.  Contempt destroys relationships. Science has long known that in relationships, contempt is a relationship killer. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading relationship researchers has found contempt to be one of four ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse,’ deadly to the life and stability of any relationship. We are more divided as a nation and a people than ever. Our relationships are crumbling.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together."]

 

The myth we buy into is that if our side wins, we can do everything we want and ignore everyone with whom we disagree. We’ve witnessed this in the last few decades. The truth is we cannot survive without each other. We need each other. We need to learn how to communicate, to hold our beliefs and values while learning how to disagree respectfully, kindly, graciously. We need to remove the viciousness and contempt from our dialogue.

 

We routinely denounce the candidates as needing to set the tone, but isn’t it up to the people to set the tone for how we talk with others as well as for what we expect from our candidates and leaders?

 

What Needs To Change - Respect

 

Our leaders will only begin to respect one another if we as a people learn to respect one another —not just those who share our political viewpoints. Because conservatives believe in the rule of law regarding illegal immigration and border security does not mean they are racists. Likewise, because progressives believe in government as the solution to economic and social issues does not mean they are welfare hacks.

 

Some might say, “What’s the point? This is the only way to be heard,” or “Why bother?” We try because we should all be on the journey of healing, learning, and growing. We should require better of ourselves. We should inspire others to be better, to speak better, to behave better. Besides, as my mother used to say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

 

Yes, It’s Okay To Disagree

 

Our politics has historically been a vibrant display of differing viewpoints. Our republic can handle disagreements, even rowdy ones. What we cannot handle is the disrespect, the contempt and the name-calling. It will ultimately cost us the country we love.

 

Stop the name-calling. Remove the "-ists" and "-ics" from your dialogue as well as your Facebook posts.  It diminishes no one but you.  Everyone has arrived at their beliefs honestly. We can hold our perspectives, share them and even debate them with integrity, wisdom, and respect.  

 

Next time you feel compelled to post on social media, ask yourself if your words are respectful? Are they gracious, even to others who have opposing views? Are you calling anyone names? Choose your words wisely. We have seen how our words can wound and destroy. But our words also have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar.

 

[clickToTweet tweet="Our words have the power to bring life & healing to a nation.Let’s raise the bar.#PeaceforaLifetime" quote="Our words have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar."]

 

Can you recall a time when you said something you later regretted? Leave your comment below. I’d love to have you join the conversation!

My new book, Peace For A Lifetime shares the power of our words and how important healthy communication is to every relationship in our lives.  To learn more about the book, click here.  To order the book now, click here!

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Embracing Peace In A World of Chaos

How to discover abundance in the midst of the mess 

Everywhere around us the world is raging. Tragedy – chaos – uncertainty- fill the air. We can’t help but feel the weight of the world every time walk out our front door.

 

We see it in the news, we read about it on social media. We feel helpless that there is anything we can do to fix what is so terribly broken in the world around us.

 

We are, however, powerful to focus our energy on changing what is looking back at us in the mirror. We are powerful to live our lives with hope, abundance, and peace.

 

What would the world feel like to have a strong, solid foundation that would withstand the storms and struggles life inevitably brings?

 

How would life feel different if we had deep roots firmly planted in rich soil that gives our lives clarity, vision, and purpose?

 

The chaos of life doesn’t change – WE change!

 

I wrote Peace For A Lifetime as a result of my journey through brokenness. The lessons I learned, the healing and peace I have found apply no matter what your journey or your circumstances.

 

Trading Emptiness for Abundance

 

I’ve found three clear reasons Emotional Abundance will help you navigate the storms and find peace in the midst of the messes life can bring.

 

  1. Maximized HOPE! – Without a doubt your hope lies first and foremost in the person of Jesus Christ. He is your foundation spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As you learn to appropriate His hope into the emotional area of your life, you will experience the fullness, the abundance of hope He promises. Emotional Abundance allows you to walk through all the seasons of our lives and deal with them effectively so that you can face them without fear and find peace in the most difficult days.

 

Jeremiah 29:11(NIV) states, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

  1. Complete WHOLENESS! – God wants you to be not only healed, but whole. Emotional Abundance allows you to find healing for your wounds and experience wholeness within your own heart and mind. As you learn to be a good caretaker for your emotions, to create an environment of compassion and truth, you will begin to discover your emotional identity. God doesn’t want his children limping through life, barely surviving. He wants you to thrive. He wants you to discover your unique calling, your passion and purpose so that you can make a difference for His kingdom. As individuals become whole, the entire body of Christ becomes whole.

2 Timothy 1:7 (AMP) tells us that, “God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well- balanced mind and discipline and self-control.”

 

  1. Enduring HARMONY! – You were not meant to live in chaos. Your relationships were never supposed to be a rollercoaster of pain and disappointment. Emotional Abundance fosters peace and strength in your relationships so that you can enjoy them without being dependent on them for your happiness or wellbeing. When you look inside to find peace within yourselves, you don’t need as much from others, nor do you blame them for your unhappiness. Emotional Abundance allows you to deal with disagreements in a way that leaves you and others on the same team and preserves the openness, safety and respect needed for relationships to flourish.

Romans 15:5-6Amplified Bible (AMP) shares, “Now may the God Who gives the power of patient endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual harmony and such full sympathy with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may [unanimously] with united hearts and one voice, praise and glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah).

 

Embracing Peace

 

Our wounds steal from us a life of hope. They steal our identity, our abundance, our relationships. Our wounds ultimately steal our peace.

 

Life doesn’t have to be this way. This is not the life God has for you.

 

Peace isn’t just an illusion. Peace isn’t always for someone else. Peace is for you. Every time you have struggled and fallen has brought you to this place. You are ready. Now is the time.

 

You can learn to:

  • heal the wounds that have kept you stuck
  • feel, understand, and manage your emotions effectively
  • create an environment in which you can thrive
  • develop deep, satisfying relationships in your life

 

Yes, you can take back your power and discover a life of hope, wholeness, and harmony! If you’re ready, Peace For A Lifetime, can help show you the way.

 

 

Question: How would your life look different with more hope and wholeness?

Leave your answer below.

Blessings,

Lisa

 

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Why Is There So Much Brokenness in the World?

 Why do bad things happen to good people? How do such unspeakable tragedies strike innocent children? Why is there so much brokenness in the world?

 

I hear these questions often. I hear them in my practice as I sit with individuals who have endured a lifetime of pain with little relief. I hear them in the church at large. It is here, where we tend to believe everything in our lives is healed at the moment of conversion, that these questions gnaw at us. They disturb us.

 

Why are there so few emotionally healthy adults, even in a community of spiritually minded, Christ followers?

 

Life continually writes upon the slate of our emotional identities. And yes, even after conversion there are some wounds that are to be healed over the course of our lives as we, “continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil 2:12, NIV). Some wounds just don’t disappear instantly no matter how much we study and pray.

 

Yet, if we understand the nature of our journeys here on earth, we can recognize that God is always about the process of healing, teaching, and growing us up to become more and more like Him. What a beautiful picture!

 

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, where I explain why there is so much brokenness in the world and how we as individuals can move beyond our wounds to experience healing, embrace wholeness, and cultivate the kind of peace we’ve always dreamed of for our lives.

 

If children develop emotionally as they do physically and intellectually, why are there so few emotionally healthy adults? What happens that stops or prevents children from attaining Emotional Abundance—that ability to feel, reason through, understand, and effectively manage emotions—as they arrive at adulthood? The short answer is this: life happens.

We are born as blank slates. However, since we live in a broken world, that brokenness makes its mark on the slate of our identities in many ways. Brokenness changes everything about how we see the world, how we see ourselves, and how we see relationships. Life in a broken world creates broken people, and that brokenness is our universal wound. No one escapes being broken. No one is exempt. Brokenness is simply the reality of life and relationships on this side of heaven.

For example, many children living in environments where they are helpless to protect themselves or those around them learn to see themselves in adulthood as powerless to affect change in any area of their lives. They sometimes begin to experience themselves as deserving of the abuse they attract in relationships, and they may begin to feel a certain comfort in unhealthy environments and relationships because that unhealthiness seems familiar. Because they feel powerless to affect any change in their worlds, they continue in the pattern written on their physical, cognitive, and emotional slate many years earlier in childhood.

 

We are left to carry our wounds with us into the relationships that mean the most to us. We unconsciously wound those we love with our wounds.

 

That doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

 

God loves you. He weeps for the ways your childhood wounded you. He longs for you to be healed, to be whole. Whole — spiritually, emotionally, physically. Complete. Lacking in nothing. Abounding in everything. Every wound. Every relationship. Every heart. Every life. Yours.

 

My new book, Peace for a Lifetime, provides step-by-step information and tools for how you can experience healing in the darkest, deepest wounds within your heart and mind. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

 To learn more about the book, click HERE!

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Why The Wise Man Built His House On a Rock, And You Should, Too

I have felt the tremors shake the ground beneath my feet. I have heard the rumble of change in the distance. Maybe you have noticed it, too.

With the recent Supreme Court rulings, what once seemed like small shifts, infrequent adjustments, minor accommodations pulling at the fabric of our society, have now become seismic reverberations, undermining the foundation of everything we knew, or thought we knew. Almost with a single motion, the roots that held us together and strengthened us have been extracted, uprooted, undone.

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What Christians Can Do To Heal the Racial Divide

My heart is heavy. I know yours is too. Every week, it seems, another new story, another life lost, another city burning. The names of Michael Brown, Freddie Gray, Eric Gardner tighten our consciousness. Ferguson, Baltimore, all evoke passions that run deep on one side or another.

If you thought race was an issue of the past in our country, you would be sadly mistaken.

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