Yes, the waters in the deep can be rough. They are a vast expanse of all that is unsettled and unknown. They stir every worry and every fear, bringing doubt and hopelessness to crest wildly at the surface. God didn’t bring us into the deep to drown us, He brought us here to transform us.
Viewing entries tagged
wisdom
The Secret Of Delayed Gratification
Could you sit with your favorite cookie in front of you and not eat it? Could you eye a favorite shirt at the department store and make a choice not to buy it?
Surprisingly, many individuals can’t. Whether in their relationships with finances, food, work, or romance, many people find it difficult-to-impossible to resist the urges they feel in order to avoid impulse decisions. Why do you think rates of personal debt are so high and savings are so low? Why do you think rates of obesity are at epidemic levels? Why do you think relationships are more volatile and strained than ever before?
The Marshmallow Experiment
In 1970 psychologist Walter Mischel famously placed a marshmallow in front of a group of children and gave them a choice: they could eat the marshmallow immediately, or they could wait until he returned a few minutes later and then be rewarded with a second. If they didn’t wait, however, they would not get a second marshmallow.
The choice was simple: they could have one treat right now or two treats later.
Upon leaving, many children ate the marshmallow almost immediately. A few, though, resisted eating the first marshmallow long enough to receive the second.
Mischel termed these childrenhigh-delay children.
Published in 1972, this popular study became known as The Marshmallow Experiment, but it wasn't the treat that made it famous. The fascinating part came years later.
The Power of Delayed Gratification
Interestingly, the children who were best able to delay gratification in the marshmallow experiment, later on did better in school and had fewer behavioral problems than the children who could only resist eating the marshmallow for a few minutes.
As adults, the high-delay children ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. In contrast, the children who had the most trouble delaying gratification had higher rates of incarceration as adults and were more likely to struggle with drug and alcoholaddiction.
The researchers followed each child for more than 40 years. Repeatedly, the group who waited patiently for the second marshmallow succeeded in whatever capacity they were measuring. In other words, this series of experiments proved that the ability to delay gratification was critical for success in life.
The Bible speaks clearly to the concept of self-control. Here are a few verses that show the importance God places on the ability to delay gratification, to manage our emotional impulses and to make wise choices for ourselves both short-and long-term.
Proverbs 25:28 (ESV) A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.
Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV)But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self- control. Here there is no conflict with the law.
2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Titus 2:2 (NLT)Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have strong faith and be filled with love and patience.
2 Peter 1:5,6 (NIV)For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.
God thinks this is pretty important, huh? That is why I wrote my book, Peace For a Lifetime. It speaks to the vital nature of our relationship with our emotions, our need to feel, understand, and think differently so we can effectively and wisely manage our impulses in order to achieve the plans God has designed for us.
Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future lives and crimes to society. _Daniel Webster
Learning To Say ‘No’ To Ourselves
So is this where we give up, tell ourselves we would have taken the marshmallow and sulk in our hot chocolate? I hope not!
What I love so much about the journey is that Emotional Abundance is never too late to develop or acquire. You may not be good at delayed gratification today, but you can always train yourself, just like you train your muscles at the gym.
In his book, Play The Man, NY Times bestselling author, Mark Batterson, talks about the secret sauce to success in self-control. He states, We want success without sacrifice, but life doesn’t work that way. Success will not be short-changed. You have to pay the price, and it never goes on sale. The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself.
[clickToTweet tweet="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself. _Mark Batterson" quote="The best decision you can make for yourself is making decisions against yourself."]
Exercising the no muscle gave Jesus the strength to withstand the temptations of satan in the wilderness, and the no muscle is the one thing that will help you withstand the temptations you face throughout your day. Exercising discipline physically helps develop discipline spiritually and emotionally.
As Batterson adds, Discipline begets discipline.
What area do you need to develop your no muscle? Where are your triggers? What areas do your children have difficulties using their no muscles?
Is it hard for you to say no to:
- food?
- spending money?
- an angry outburst when something doesn’t go your way?
- your sexual appetites?
- making everyone around you happy?
- social media?
- what about video games, technology, alcohol, sports?
The next time you find yourself having the impulse to do something you know you shouldn’t —to skip the work project you should really get done, or to buy something you shouldn’t just because you want it —don’t. Yes, don’t.
Strengthening Our 'No' Muscles
Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions inside when you say no to yourself. Listen to name the emotions, understand where they are coming from, and coach yourself honestly and truthfully through the emotions towards a positive reward at the end.
The truth for me is, I don’t really need this extra helping of mashed potatoes. The truth is, what I am really wanting is to feel loved and valued. The truth is, God loves me and I love me. I want to care for myself well and get my body in the shape that would make me feel best. And the truth is, if I don’t get that extra helping right now, I will give myself my favorite fruit after my workout as a treat. And my body will thank me later. That will be the best gift to myself.
We can do this!
Hebrews 4:15 (NIV) tells us, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.
John 16:33 (NIV) adds, I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
We can develop our ability to delay gratification and in doing so, we will watch everything around us begin to change. Life becomes calmer, we are better able to manage our emotions, our time, our resources, and we get to experience the life we’ve always dreamed.
Life does not always have to feel out of reach. Success isn’t just for someone else. Peace is achievable, sustainable.
Yes, delaying gratification is definitely worth the wait!
About This Community
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.
Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891
The demise of fairness and the ability to tell the good guys from the bad ones
I often think back to the 90’s with a feeling of nostalgia for a decade that seemed as hopeful as it was prosperous. As an idealist right out of college, I listened to Paula Cole’s famous song and believed that most of us were cowboys —that we understood the ideals of right and wrong, and measured out justice, like John Wayne, with impartiality and integrity. That’s what I believed back then, anyways.
I was quite the dreamer in those days. Like all the good western movies, life seemed a little more clear-cut, more uncomplicated somehow. As I looked around I felt in my heart we were all on the same team, rooting for the same cause, our great American dream. We could easily tell the good guys from the bad guys and we were thrilled to see the good guys come riding in on their gallant white horses to save the day. To bring the bad guys to justice. It all seemed so simple.
Who are the good guys?
As I have witnessed the combined narratives of mainstream media, Facebook threads, and general water-cooler conversation these days, I find myself asking, Where have all the cowboys gone? How did we arrive at this place where our country is less important than our party, and where justice is seen only through the lens of an elephant or donkey?
I speak not against a particular party, but against an insidious trend in culture that is pitting us all against each other. Dividing us. Destroying what made this little experiment of a country so special in the first place.
We act less like Americans and more like spectators at a boxing match, waiting with baited breath for any sign of weakness, any notion that our guy is getting ready to land the final knockout blow. Where our guy is hailed the champion and the other is resigned to a dark corner of the locker room.
It appears our moral indignation and righteous anger ends at the door of our party affiliation. We become suddenly, strangely quiet when our guy takes a hit, or stumbles and falls. We jeer with a foaming anticipation at the missteps of someone, anyone, as long as they are on the other team.
We are no longer fair-minded. No longer wise. No longer models of Christ’s character. We as Believers should never be known more for our political positions than we are known for our faith, our character, our integrity.
We should be the cowboys—the model for those above the fray, who are fair-minded, with a solid standard for character and integrity. We should be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys and be willing to hold all of the bad ones to account.
Here are few questions to consider:
-
Are our standards held equally for those in power?
Romans 3:23 (NIV) states, For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Romans 3:10-12 (NIV) adds, There is no one righteous, not even one.
-
Are we open to consider the failings of everyone impartially, even those on our side, so to speak?
James 2:1 (ESV) tells us, My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.
James 3:17 (ESV) goes on to state, But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
-
Can we be slow to speak, quick to listen, and fair in judging the words and actions of others, regardless of their party affiliation?
Micah 6:8 (ESV) says, He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
Romans 2:11 (ESV) declares that, God shows no partiality.
Exodus 23:1-33 (ESV) further asserts, You shall not spread a false report. You shall not join hands with a wicked man to be a malicious witness. You shall not fall in with the many to do evil, nor shall you bear witness in a lawsuit, siding with the many, so as to pervert justice, nor shall you be partial to a poor man in his lawsuit. “If you meet your enemy's ox or his donkey going astray, you shall bring it back to him. If you see the donkey of one who hates you lying down under its burden, you shall refrain from leaving him with it; you shall rescue it with him. ...
-
Do we care more about our side winning than righteousness prevailing?
Proverbs 21:3 (ESV) tells us, To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.
-
Do we care more about proclaiming our perspective than we do proclaiming the name of Jesus?
Mark 12:28-31 (ESV) shares, And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Hebrews 6:10 (ESV) reminds us that, God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do.
Challenging Our Better Selves
The truth is, one side is not all bad, nor is the other side all good.
Matthew 7:3-5 admonishes us, Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
We should stand up for what is right, no matter who is in office. We should be sad when anyone falls or stumbles. Whether they have a “D” or an “R” next to their name, we should want wrongdoers to be held accountable for their words and actions. The hypocrisy of selective moral outrage has to stop—if we want our country, our communities, or our relationships to survive and thrive.
Could we all take a breath and remember not only who we are, but Whose we are? The world around us is watching. Are we just as angry, outraged, cynical, and vitriolic, as everyone else out there? Can we speak our perspective from a place of respect, fairness, openness, and consideration of all? Do we know what our values, beliefs, and moral expectations are or do we define them based on what someone else is doing/not doing?
We really need to think, my friends. We need to examine our idea of fairness, our idea of justice. We need to consider how we tell the good guys from the bad guys. Consider who we are, and who we want to be. I don’t know about you, but I want to be a cowboy.
About This Community
Don't we all want a little peace? My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships. Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!
About Peace for a Lifetime
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!
Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.
Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891
We’ve all made them. New Year’s Resolutions. We’ve over-indulged through another holiday season and we’ve made the commitment to begin working out after the New Year.
We begin the process of getting ourselves up early in the morning so we can head to the gym. Each step, each day, an act of will. The first few weeks are horrific. Muscles that haven’t been exercised in years are throbbing from use. We are told to lean into the pain. “No pain, no gain” – right?
For those who make it past those first few weeks, things begin to change. The muscles that had initially ached now feel taut and lean. We can feel ourselves growing stronger. We feel good.
Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, where I describe the important truths exercise can teach us about our emotions. Physical exercise is necessary for our overall health, for us to grow. Yet if we spend our lives running away from the discomfort associated with exercise, we will never grow solid and strong. We will never know what physical health feels like.
The same is true for our emotional health. We will never experience the emotional health or abundance God desires for us if we spend our lives running from any painful or uncomfortable emotions. We will find freedom, fullness, and peace as we learn how to lean into and develop a new relationship with our emotions.
Growing is a double-edged sword. The results are generally positive, but the process never occurs without some amount of struggle, effort, and pain. A few years back, I decided the time had come for me to start exercising.
As I began to near my thirties and the realities of an aging metabolism set in, I decided that perhaps now was the time to dust off my 1980s aerobics gear and head to the gym. That my best friend was a body builder and trainer, not to mention that another sweet friend, Sheila, offered to train with me, I felt was divine providence. This is like a two-fer, I thought. This was perfect.
Neither Sheila nor I were fitness types. We probably had fairly similar body types and athletic skills. Nevertheless, we both showed up the first day eager to become lean and trim. We didn’t know what awaited us.
To say our trainer took her job seriously might have been an understatement. She kept yelling, “One more set, one more set!” I have never been a quitter, and so I tried my best to push through the pain in order to finish well. By the end of our first day, Sheila and I were both exhausted. I drove home feeling sore, but exhilarated. Once I arrived home, however, things began to change. Little by little, I noticed my soreness increased. By the next day, I could no longer walk up the stairs; I could only crawl. Sitting down and standing up became monumental and excruciating tasks. There were moments I thought the pain might never end.
Over time, the pain did subside. As my muscles toned, I felt stronger, more capable. I could walk farther and faster on the treadmill. Steadily I was increasing my weights and adding repetitions. I was feeling good. My physical body was growing, and the results were worth the struggle.
I distinctly remember hearing my trainer encourage me to “lean into the pain.” She would push me harder than I thought I was capable of going, not to run away from the exercise, but to press forward. What is the saying? “No pain, no gain?”
The same is true for our emotional growth as we work to cultivate peace with God. If we can lean into our emotions instead of becoming numb to them or distracting ourselves from them, we grow. If we can reason through our emotions, understand our emotions, and effectively manage our emotions, the more Emotional Abundance (EA) we build into our lives.
It is never too late to begin cultivating a new relationship with your emotions. You don’t have to keep running from difficult emotions. You can lean into your emotions and use them to gain insight, wisdom, and strength on your journey.
In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I’ve included more information about the importance of establishing a new relationship with your emotions. I’ve packed it with basic, easy-to-understand life steps that will yield abundance and peace in your life and relationships. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!
To learn more about the book, click HERE!
[yikes-mailchimp form="1" title="1" description="1" submit="Send my free gift NOW!!"]