Three Ways Contempt is Polluting Politics

 This political season has reminded me of none other in its sheer viciousness. The art of attacking has reached epic proportions. The candidates do it. The pundits do it. We do it. If any of us conducted ourselves in person as we feel emboldened to do on social media, we’d be out of a job and perhaps out of friends.

We deserve more from each other.

My disappointment comes down to the one word that destroys all relationships, even relationships across political maps and perspectives: contempt.

We’re Armed and Ready For Battle

I see three ways contempt is not only polluting politics, but destroying any unity that historically has bound us together, even in the midst of our differences.

1. Contempt damages respect. Where there is no respect, there is little room for mutuality or common ground. We throw polite, even religious bombs from the safety of our computer keyboard without acknowledging the sincere, if different beliefs of those reading. We don’t see the explosion on the other side of the screen as others read our words. We don’t see the anger and resentment that builds inside as a result of our disrespect and contempt. We can hold our beliefs and values. We can share them openly without using contempt as a means to make us feel like we are winning. We are not winning. No one is winning.
2. Contempt kills safety. Both sides show contempt. Both sides hurl insults, call names. Calling names will completely destroy any safety in our relationships. Yet we feel empowered to do so because we routinely see our candidates, pundits, and leaders spewing hate-filled aspersions toward anyone with whom they disagree. My mother used to tell me that smart people had better vocabularies and could find better words to describe their differences. Calling names was prohibited in our home as vulgar and disrespectful. Yet in the current political climate contemptuous name-calling has proliferated in its routine and acceptance. Weren’t we taught better?
3.  Contempt destroys relationships. Science has long known that in relationships, contempt is a relationship killer. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading relationship researchers has found contempt to be one of four ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse,’ deadly to the life and stability of any relationship. We are more divided as a nation and a people than ever. Our relationships are crumbling.

[clickToTweet tweet="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together."]

The myth we buy into is that if our side wins, we can do everything we want and ignore everyone with whom we disagree. We’ve witnessed this in the last few decades. The truth is we cannot survive without each other. We need each other. We need to learn how to communicate, to hold our beliefs and values while learning how to disagree respectfully, kindly, graciously. We need to remove the viciousness and contempt from our dialogue.

We routinely denounce the candidates as needing to set the tone, but isn’t it up to the people to set the tone for how we talk with others as well as for what we expect from our candidates and leaders?

What Needs To Change - Respect

Our leaders will only begin to respect one another if we as a people learn to respect one another —not just those who share our political viewpoints. Because conservatives believe in the rule of law regarding illegal immigration and border security does not mean they are racists. Likewise, because progressives believe in government as the solution to economic and social issues does not mean they are welfare hacks.

Some might say, “What’s the point? This is the only way to be heard,” or “Why bother?” We try because we should all be on the journey of healing, learning, and growing. We should require better of ourselves. We should inspire others to be better, to speak better, to behave better. Besides, as my mother used to say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Yes, It’s Okay To Disagree

Our politics has historically been a vibrant display of differing viewpoints. Our republic can handle disagreements, even rowdy ones. What we cannot handle is the disrespect, the contempt and the name-calling. It will ultimately cost us the country we love.

Stop the name-calling. Remove the "-ists" and "-ics" from your dialogue as well as your Facebook posts.  It diminishes no one but you.  Everyone has arrived at their beliefs honestly. We can hold our perspectives, share them and even debate them with integrity, wisdom, and respect.  

Next time you feel compelled to post on social media, ask yourself if your words are respectful? Are they gracious, even to others who have opposing views? Are you calling anyone names? Choose your words wisely. We have seen how our words can wound and destroy. But our words also have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar.

[clickToTweet tweet="Our words have the power to bring life & healing to a nation.Let’s raise the bar.#PeaceforaLifetime" quote="Our words have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar."]

Can you recall a time when you said something you later regretted? Leave your comment below. I’d love to have you join the conversation!

My new book, Peace For A Lifetime shares the power of our words and how important healthy communication is to every relationship in our lives.  To learn more about the book, click here.  To order the book now, click here!

[yikes-mailchimp form="1" title="1" description="1" submit="Submit"]

Why We Are the Most Influential Person In Our Relationships

 Somehow we may think, Donald Trump may be the most influential person in his relationships, but certainly we could never be the most influential person in our relationships.

We can come up with all the reasons why we could never be that influential —our past, our failures, our weaknesses, our fears. Surely the people around us with whom we are in relationship, they would certainly be more influential than us. Right?

Wrong. We are the most influential person in our relationships because we are the only people we are capable of changing or influencing.

Our ability to create a life of Emotional Abundance and peace is almost entirely up to us. When we commit to seek God and His healing, we will find both. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) states, You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. The Emotional Abundance we experience as a result will overflow and impact all of our relationships.

If you’ve ever felt helpless or hopeless in your relationships, God has so much more in store for you! He longs for you to know His peace in every relationship in your life.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares why you are the most influential person in your relationships.

We all have tendencies toward certain defense mechanisms we learned early on to keep us safe or perhaps even to survive. Those defense mechanisms will destroy the fabric and beauty of any relationship. They will undermine the safety, respect, and trust that every relationship needs to thrive.

Once we become aware of our defenses, we are empowered to begin building new ways to engage in our relationships. We can keep ourselves safe no matter what. We can open ourselves to hear another’s experience, and we can open ourselves to sharing our experience. We can communicate calmly, clearly, and directly. We can lay aside our need to defend, our need to win at all costs, and even our need to change our partner. As we do, we will learn we can come into safe contact with others and enjoy the process of building relationship.

We are the key. We own responsibility for ourselves in our communication, our life, and our relationships. We cannot ask or require another person to take responsibility for our safety, happiness, or well-being. This is the essence of our work with ourselves and God. Our relationships are merely the canvas on which we get to practice and experiment.

We can never blame another for our lack of, whether a lack of safety, a lack of peace, or a lack of having our needs met. The responsibility for us ultimately lies with us. We are in charge of our safety, peace, even our needs. If something must come from another, we are in charge of using our voice to speak our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy, respectful way.

We do not even need our partners or friends to be healthy in order for us to be healthy. Many people give up and say that they cannot use healthy communication if their partner doesn’t use healthy communication; that they cannot change unless their partner is willing to change.

If our health or emotional wellbeing is dependent upon what another person does or does not do, on what they promise to do or not to do, our emotional health is on shaky ground. The more I am able to shift my focus from someone else as the key to my peace, to me as the key to my peace, the more likely I am to find peace. The person over whom I have the greatest amount of control and influence is me.

What freeing news! Indeed, we are the most influential person in our relationships. Don’t buy into the notion that you could never change. You can. You will. He will —change your life from the inside out. That alone will influence ALL of your relationships.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

[yikes-mailchimp form="1" title="1" description="1" submit="Send my free gift NOW!!"]