ASK LISA - How Do I Know If I Am Codependent?

I hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend! I will be taking a break for the month of June in order to rest and recharge. I will be excited to spend time with my husband, do a little traveling, and quiet myself to hear what God is speaking! I will be back with you guys the first week of July. Praying blessing and abundance over each of you!

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I’ve just come through a divorce.  I married my high school sweetheart thirty-five years ago after he swept me off of my feet.  I thought he was going to be the perfect escape from my family’s dysfunction and my dad’s drinking.  I was determined to change everything —to be the perfect wife, mom, PTA member, and women’s ministry volunteer.  In my naïve thinking I believed that I could somehow heal everything that was broken in my childhood and right every wrong.  My life, my marriage, my family would be different.

It was —for a while. But little by little my husband worked more, came home later, drank harder, exploded louder.  My job was to make him okay.  I was the one who knew how to handle him, or so I thought.  So I made sure the house was cleaned, His favorite meals were cooked, the kids were well-behaved so that things would go smoothly. 

As his drinking increased, he became violent.  He always apologized later, tearfully promising that things would change, that he would change.  He would be sober for a while, but slowly things would go right back to the way they were before, just a little bit worse.  I had to lie —lie to his boss, lie to the kids, lie to myself, perhaps — to get by.

All the while, I couldn’t focus all of my energies on saving my husband and my marriage, and be a good parent to the kids.  I tried. Lord knows I tried.  I was always exhausted but I just couldn’t fight more than one battle at a time.  So I gave in. I needed the kids help, their affection, their support, and their love.  I needed someone to love me.  I gave them pretty much everything they wanted or needed.  I never wanted them to do without like I did as a child.  

Now that they’re adults, I can’ t keep up.  Since my divorce I can barely make ends meet, but I work two jobs, help raise my grandchildren, pay for my daughter’s car payment, insurance, clothes, and food in addition to my own bills.  I just can’t keep doing this, but I can never say no.

My neighbor invited me to a Celebrate Recovery meeting last week and in looking through some of their materials, I think I might be a codependent.  Lisa, what exactly is codependency and is there any way to be healed from it?

Sincerely,

Tearful in Texas

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Dear Tearful,

Codependence is such a challenging issue.  First identified by those in the health community as they worked with wives of alcoholic men, they noticed that the entire family of the addict displayed addictive tendencies.  What they saw were couples whose relationship became responsible for maintaining the addictive behavior in at least one person in the relationship.

According to Mental Health America,Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Codependent people need external sources, things, or other people to give them feelings of self-worth. 

Often, as a result of destructive parental relationships, or past abusive relationships, codependents find themselves reacting to the people in their lives, constantly worrying about them or caring for them because in truth, they depend on their loved ones to make them feel useful or alive. They put other people’s needs, wants and experiences above their own.  Their relationship with themselves is so painful they no longer trust their own experiences, living trapped in a continual cycle of shame, blame and self-abuse. 

Codependency’s Beginnings

At birth, we are utterly dependent on our caregivers for food, safety, and comfort. Because as infants, our attachment and bonding to our caregiver is critical for our physical and emotional survival, we become reactive to the needs and weaknesses we often see from them.

If we have an unreliable or unavailable parent, we often take on the role of caretaker and/or enabler in childhood, to ensure our safety and to make sure our most basic needs are met. Unfortunately this starts a lifelong destructive thought-pattern that says, If mom or dad is okay, then I can be okay.

Intimate feelings are those that are most deeply personal.  From infancy, those feelings guided us as we attempted to get our needs me.  If our caregivers couldn’t respond to our needs, we concluded that our needs and the feelings driving those needs were a mistake. Finally, we concluded that we must be a mistake. _ Peeling The Onion: Characteristics of Codependents Revisited

Because dysfunctional families rarely acknowledge that problems exist, as children we often repress our own emotions and disregard our own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent. Once we become adults, we can recreate the same dynamic in our adult relationships.

Codependents In Relationships

Codependents may never confront partners because in becoming the caretaker, we often assume it’s our responsibility to clean up after and apologize for our loved one’s behavior. We might even help them continue to use alcohol or drugs by giving them money, food, even drugs and alcohol. We come to believe we are so unlovable and so unworthy that this dysfunctional, destructive relationship is the best we could hope for.

Innately we live out of a false belief that tells us we cannot survive without our partners; therefore we will often do anything to stay in our relationships, no matter however painful. This is what drives us.  We fall in love with an ideal of what love will do for us, how the other person will complete us, fill us, even fix us.  Using sex as a means of false intimacy, relationships temporarily fill the void inside that God Himself was meant to fill.

The fear of losing our primary relationship and thus being alone overpowers any other feeling a codependent might have. The mere thought of trying to address any of our partner’s dysfunctional behaviors can leave us feeling so unsafe we will excuse their behavior, we will deny it above all else, because in doing so we can avoid the rejection we fear most of all.

We say to ourselves:

• I’m the reliable one.

• They need me.  They can’t live without me.

• If I say ‘no’ they might reject me.

• Who is going to help them if I don’t?

• This is just my lot in life —to take care of everyone.

We lose perspective.  Our vision becomes blurred and the line that distinguishes where we end and another begins disappears.  Codependents have never developed a strong sense of self —who we are, what we think, feel, believe, want, or need.  We’ve never learned how to speak our wants and needs directly in our relationships and learn instead to abandon ourselves to what other people want. We learn to unconsciously manipulate people and situations to get our needs met.

Healing Codependecy           

We can adopt roles that support our own codependent needs —the martyr, the savior, the advisor, the people-pleaser, and the yes-men. This never heals the codependency and only fuels the destructive cycle in our relationships. Fortunately, as we become more aware of our defense mechanisms, our lack of boundaries, as well as the underlying needs that fuel our codependent behaviors, we can learn to develop new ways of being with ourselves. We can learn how to care for ourselves. Draw boundaries for ourselves. Perhaps even love ourselves.

We can notice and prioritize our own emotional needs in order to better care for ourselves. We can focus our energies not on solving our loved ones problems, but on being present with ourselves and empowering our own solutions for our own lives. We can draw better boundaries to avoid rushing in to care for and provide for others, choosing instead to take a step back and become less invested, less involved.  We can learn to say no, even in the face of potential ridicule or rejection.  We can learn the blessing of the internal yes, our internal yes —and to speak our yes’ and our no’s to others.

We can heal from our childhood wounds, learn to feel our own emotions, name them, speak them, own responsibility for them.  We can learn to get validation from God and ourselves.  We can resist the pull of the fantasy and learn to embrace the possibility of a healthy, stable reality.

We can learn to believe:

• I don’t have to enable poor choices in others in order to feel reliable. I am discovering who I am, and I no longer need to be something for someone else in order to feel good about myself.  

• They don’t need me, they need God.

• If I say ‘no,’ they might reject me. That will hurt, but I will be okay. God will never reject me. With Him, I am safe, I am loved.  I am enough.

 • I cannot be other’s savior.  Only God can rescue them, heal them, grow them, and save them. 

• My lot in life is not this —God has designed so much more for me.  I can accept His love and learn to love myself.  I can heal, grow, and become healthy in my relationships.

Friend, God is not done with you.  He has so much of Himself He wants to teach you, heal in you. Your journey is just beginning.  Don’t give up.  The healing path is never a straight path, but the rewards are better than anything you could imagine.  Safety, rest, hope, joy, abundance, wholeness, peace— that is His promise for you and your future. Keep taking steps on your journey. Keep believing. Keep trusting.

I will be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve created several extensive tools to help you learn more and begin your journey towards healing!

LISA’S MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCE KIT

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How I Leverage My Time To Maximize My Peace

I’ve always been intentional with my time. It’s one of the most important tools I have. It impacts nearly everything I do. Well, almost everything.

Like many others, time is always something of which I never seem to have enough. Too many distractions and too many demands make it difficult to accomplish the goals I have set.

Many of our schedules are not condusive to a defined regiment and life today isn’t as neat or tidy as it was growing up.

Today I leverage my time to effectively manage much of my complex personal and professional life, and to maximize my peace.

Here’s a list of a few strategies I use:

• I realistically look at the pockets of time that are not spoken for throughout the day. Sometimes it may be a 30-minute segment of time before work; sometimes, there may be 10 minutes in between meetings.

• I mentally prioritize or write down in my journal the goals that would be most meaningful for me to accomplish. Sometimes deadlines force something to the top of the list, but otherwise I try to focus on what is most meaningful. That allows me to stay connected with my passions and purpose without becoming sidetracked or exhausted.

• I strategize to assign smaller goals to smaller pockets of time and larger goals to larger pockets of time. I know my physical and mental make-up as well. I know the morning is when I am most refreshed and focused to write, so I try to schedule more in-depth creative tasks earlier in the day and easier, more administrative tasks later in the afternoon or evening.

• I focus on the meaning in the moment. As I am engaged in one project, I do my best not to become overwhelmed by everything else I need to do. I spend a few moments deep-breathing to help keep me connected and centered on enjoying whatever the task is at hand. This may sound weird to some, but when I can look for meaning even in the small, mundane tasks, it allows me to be fully present in each moment and to find joy wherever I am. The rest of the day will come, the other tasks will be attended to. I do not want to waste this moment focusing on, overwhelmed by, consumed by another moment. This moment is the only one I’m guaranteed.

• I schedule downtime. Again, depending on the pockets of time that emerge throughout the day, I make sure to assign time for unstructured play. This may mean a few moments of deep-breathing and guided imagery. It may also mean a cup of tea and a good book. Unstructured playtime is just as important as any other task I accomplish throughout the day. It allows my mind to relax and recharge. It grounds and soothes me physically and emotionally.

[clickToTweet tweet="The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule,but to schedule your priorities.-Stephen Covey" quote="“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” Stephen Covey"]

[clickToTweet tweet="“We will either walk well throughout our day, or our day will walk all over us.” @Lisa Murray " quote="“We will either walk well throughout our day, or our day will walk all over us.” Lisa Murray"]

Leveraging my time allows me to accomplish the things to which God has called me, but also frees me to enjoy each moment for the beautiful gift it is in my life.

Question: How do you leverage your time to maximize your peace?

To learn more about my new book, 'Peace for a Lifetime' where I share tools to make the most of our margin as well as how to de-stress and enjoy the greatest meaning in life, click here or visit Amazon to buy the book.  

Blessings, 

Lisa

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What Plumbing Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

 Most of us have had little training in understanding emotions or how to effectively deal with emotions in life. What we learned from our families growing up was usually some sort of extreme —families either ignoring, shaming, being completely disconnected from their emotions, or families being entirely consumed by drama and emotion. Few of us have had a balanced approach in dealing with our feelings modeled for us within our childhood families.

We’ve been left to figure out emotions on our own. They don’t teach us emotional health in school, they don’t show us a video on how to manage our emotions well. Yet, studies show that emotional health (or emotional intelligence) determines about eighty percent of success in life.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that explains what plumbing can teach us about our emotions. Plumbing isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind when we think of emotions, but adequate, functional plumbing is necessary for the overall functioning of a house. If something is wrong with the plumbing, the aftermath isn’t very pretty. Likewise, when our emotional plumbing is leaking, or has a stoppage, the aftermath isn’t very pretty either. When our emotional pipes are aligned and functioning well, they allow us to find the balance we need to build a strong foundation for abundant living.

When I was growing up, my dad was a plumber. Talk of flappers, traps, valves, drain fields, seals, connections, and fittings was normal conversation at the dinner table. My dad loved his job and was devoted to excellence in everything he did.

Dad would often take my brother and me with him to work, partially to instill in us a strong work ethic, and partially to educate us with the hope that one day, one of us might want to follow in his footsteps. Okay. Maybe the hope was more about my brother following in his footsteps and I was just a tag-along, but let’s not tarnish a memory!

I wanted so much to please my dad and learn whatever he was teaching, but as soon as he would explain something, I would forget what he told me almost as quickly. He could show me an Allen wrench or a tube cutter and, ten minutes later, I’d have a distinct look of confusion on my face when he asked me to hand him one.

What I remember most from those days with my dad is he always gave me the job of painting the ends of the PVC pipes with purple primer. I somehow felt that my job must be incredibly important, so I worked diligently to be the best purple-primer painter anywhere.

Obviously, I was not exactly mechanically inclined, but what I did learn from those experiences with my dad was that the way the pipes worked had a profound impact on the overall functioning of a house. If the pipes were laid out, connected, and sealed properly, the plumbing would function well. However, if there was a leak or a stoppage, the flaw would affect everything else around that failure in the system. You might not see the cause, but a leak could destroy the structure all around and result in an expensive repair.

Our emotional interior is much like the interior of a house. We, too, have emotional pipes that if connected, flowing, and functioning properly, allow our individual selves to function at optimal performance. However, if there is a leak or blockage in our emotional pipes, the result is either a flood or a back-up. For some, there is a complete emotional disconnect. Sadly, they feel that if they can cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, they will never have to experience the potential pain or messiness that can result as a consequence of feeling.

Yet even for those who have cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, the emotions don’t simply disappear. They will drain into, contaminate, and infect some area of their lives whether they want them to or not.

We cannot run away from our emotions. We cannot push them down or close the door on them – not permanently anyway. Emotional Abundance empowers us to find the proper balance between our thinking and feeling, and equips us to become more calm, more present, more thoughtful in responding to the challenges of life.

You do not have to remain a prisoner to your emotions. Nor do you have to expend so much energy to keep your emotions locked away. There is so much more God has for you! There is hope, there is freedom, there is abundance we can experience in our emotions.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you connect your emotional pipes and create balance and clarity within your heart and mind. This material will empower you to build a life of indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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How The Power of Relationship Can Help You Overcome the Monsters In Your Closet

Were you ever afraid of the monsters in your closet as a child? Are there monsters in your life today, areas of your life that you have been too afraid to face, too overwhelmed to muster the courage to conquer?

Me, too. I spent much of my childhood afraid. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of being rejected, of being ridiculed, of not being enough.

My fear followed me, like my childhood monsters, into my adult life. They paralyzed me. They crippled me, until I was able to find the key that empowered me to face my deepest fears. It was so simple, right under my eyes, but I never saw it.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares how the power of relationship can help us overcome the monsters in our closets. We know running away from our fear doesn’t work. We know mantras don’t work. Pills only work for a brief period of time. It is intimate relationship that holds the power to break through the fear that holds you captive and build a foundation for your life that will stand solid and strong.

As a small child, I remember being afraid of the dark. I would get so scared before bed that every night I would scour the closet, search under the bed, and peer in every nook and cranny to make sure there were no monsters or ghosts hidden anywhere in my room. At bedtime, my mother would pray with me, and all would be well until she said goodnight and turned out the lights ... then things would get worse.

I could see the outline of the monsters moving through the shadows as the clouds passed over the moon in the night sky. I could hear creaks in the floor, and I would stay there with my fear rising until I could take no more. Then I would run to the safety of my mother’s room. I remember lying beside her bed on a blanket and thinking that as long as I could feel her hand rest on mine, I was okay, and I was safe! You see, my fear didn’t need a formula; my fear needed a person.

As an adult, what I need is not a mantra, nor a theme song, to pep me up for a few moments. What I need first and foremost is a relationship, an intimate encounter with the God of the Universe, who is so intimately acquainted with me that He numbered the hairs on my head.

Perhaps as we start our journey there, we will be able to muster the courage to face the monsters in our closets. I’m not saying this is a three-quick-steps-and- you’re-cured program. What I am proposing is a lifetime journey that begins with a relationship with your Heavenly Father.

I sometimes wonder what life would feel like today if I could actually feel God’s hand rest on mine, quietly, simply, as I make my way through the ordinary and sometimes unbearable tasks of the day. Though I cannot tangibly feel Him, He wants me to know Him intimately and to rest in Him just the same.

God wants to be more than a distant judge with a set of rules. He is so much more than a genie in a bottle. God wants to grow a relationship —an authentic, powerful relationship with you that will change your life forever. Being with Him, knowing Him, trusting Him will give you the strength and confidence to face whatever challenges or fears that threaten to overwhelm you today.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Exercise Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

 We’ve all made them. New Year’s Resolutions. We’ve over-indulged through another holiday season and we’ve made the commitment to begin working out after the New Year.

We begin the process of getting ourselves up early in the morning so we can head to the gym. Each step, each day, an act of will. The first few weeks are horrific. Muscles that haven’t been exercised in years are throbbing from use. We are told to lean into the pain. “No pain, no gain” – right?

For those who make it past those first few weeks, things begin to change. The muscles that had initially ached now feel taut and lean. We can feel ourselves growing stronger. We feel good.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, where I describe the important truths exercise can teach us about our emotions. Physical exercise is necessary for our overall health, for us to grow. Yet if we spend our lives running away from the discomfort associated with exercise, we will never grow solid and strong. We will never know what physical health feels like.

The same is true for our emotional health. We will never experience the emotional health or abundance God desires for us if we spend our lives running from any painful or uncomfortable emotions. We will find freedom, fullness, and peace as we learn how to lean into and develop a new relationship with our emotions.

Growing is a double-edged sword. The results are generally positive, but the process never occurs without some amount of struggle, effort, and pain. A few years back, I decided the time had come for me to start exercising.

As I began to near my thirties and the realities of an aging metabolism set in, I decided that perhaps now was the time to dust off my 1980s aerobics gear and head to the gym. That my best friend was a body builder and trainer, not to mention that another sweet friend, Sheila, offered to train with me, I felt was divine providence. This is like a two-fer, I thought. This was perfect.

Neither Sheila nor I were fitness types. We probably had fairly similar body types and athletic skills. Nevertheless, we both showed up the first day eager to become lean and trim. We didn’t know what awaited us.

To say our trainer took her job seriously might have been an understatement. She kept yelling, “One more set, one more set!” I have never been a quitter, and so I tried my best to push through the pain in order to finish well. By the end of our first day, Sheila and I were both exhausted. I drove home feeling sore, but exhilarated. Once I arrived home, however, things began to change. Little by little, I noticed my soreness increased. By the next day, I could no longer walk up the stairs; I could only crawl. Sitting down and standing up became monumental and excruciating tasks. There were moments I thought the pain might never end.

Over time, the pain did subside. As my muscles toned, I felt stronger, more capable. I could walk farther and faster on the treadmill. Steadily I was increasing my weights and adding repetitions. I was feeling good. My physical body was growing, and the results were worth the struggle.

I distinctly remember hearing my trainer encourage me to “lean into the pain.” She would push me harder than I thought I was capable of going, not to run away from the exercise, but to press forward. What is the saying? “No pain, no gain?”

The same is true for our emotional growth as we work to cultivate peace with God. If we can lean into our emotions instead of becoming numb to them or distracting ourselves from them, we grow. If we can reason through our emotions, understand our emotions, and effectively manage our emotions, the more Emotional Abundance (EA) we build into our lives.

It is never too late to begin cultivating a new relationship with your emotions. You don’t have to keep running from difficult emotions. You can lean into your emotions and use them to gain insight, wisdom, and strength on your journey.

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I’ve included more information about the importance of establishing a new relationship with your emotions. I’ve packed it with basic, easy-to-understand life steps that will yield abundance and peace in your life and relationships. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

 To learn more about the book, click HERE!

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